I said I wouldn’t be back…… but after hovering around watching a lot of other posts I felt I couldn’t resist posting again.
I haven’t cut in 2 months, or drunk anything either. Have been going to work at night, exercise. Have eaten food now again (but instead of the anorexia it is bulimia that has taken over – binge and purge and have not kept any food down in 2 months). Feel so fat and even have put on weight because of the stupid puking, but only a kilo, not much but feels like 20.
I tried to find meaning, tried to see something, but there is nothing out there. I feel nothing anymore, everything tastes nothing, I see, hear and smell nothing and only feel my panic attacks and anxiety ripping through my chest. Still cry every day, but mostly because I am so miserable and alone and isolated, but not in a good way.
Have started selling all my stuff now, will sell my apartment and will either take off and travel or do what I have tried before, and that is ending it. I know now though it will be the last and final time, I have the right mindset now and the right technique combo that will not fail. There is nothing left in life that I can even hold onto anymore. It is all but done and I just need to take this final step to get it all done. So very, very tired and sadness I will never be free from.