hi there, im a girl
and i am currently suicidal.
everyday i wake up, and try to think of three reasons to live, i only ever think of one. My friends, even though none of my friends know im like this, no one knows (except for my sister and i will explain that later), they are literally the only reason i keep on living because i love seeing them everyday, those four people being the only ones who can make me smile. I have a feeling one of them is like me, but i haven’t got the nerve to ask. I told one of them about my mother, i regretted it instantly, But thats another story entirely.
sometimes, i truly feel like killing myself, i have tried…and failed. My sister found me, I thought I had overdosed enough on the sleeping tablets, turns out they were able to pump my stomach…. After that i told my sister it was ‘just a phase’ she believed me.
I have these drawings, they make up my diary. A bunch of swirley shapes with hidden letters only i can read and see. I just draw one to let out all my feelings and hope every-time that they never return, I have this theory that If i look at my drawing a week later and I cant find the words, the thoughts are gone. Its only happened once, and I started writing last year.
I cut, i try to make them not as obvious because I have school 5 days a week, usually i just do three and continuously re-break the skin… that seems to work well….
It usually gets to the point where my emotional pain outweighs the physical. I guess that just makes the deed easier though right?
Some people question cutting, that is bad for you… but its good if its a way for you to keep from ending your life all together right? Well thats how I justify it anyways…. im not even sure if anyone will read this, but i just need a place where there is a chance someone will hear me out, without being scared of me
“Doctor: What are you doing here, honey? You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets.
Cecilia: Obviously, Doctor, you’ve never been a 13-year-old girl. ”
– The Virgin Suicides