Hi.I’m New Here And I’m Glad I Found This Site.I Can Relate To Almost Half The Posts I’ve Read Here.Dying Inside,Dead,Suicidal Attempts And Fantasies.During The Day,I’m ur Typical 20year Old Girl.Popular,Socialite,Pretty Slim,Bubbly.Heck I Make The Jokes Half The Time.But The Nights..The Nights Are The Worst.The Real Me Emerges.A Pretty,Empty Vessel,Disturbed Girl,So Broken,So Torn.I Used To Self Mutilate Becoz The Pain I Inflicted On The Outside Was Better Than The One I Felt Inside.Sometimes(all the time)I Just Wanna Sleep And Never Wake Up,I Dont Want To Do Anything Or See People.I Question Anyone That Claims To Love Me.Becoz I Love Myself.Infact,I Hate Myself.So Its Really Difficult To Fathom Why Anybody In Their Right Mind Would.I’ve Mixed Some Pills And They Knocked Me Out But Just For A Few Hours.I Dont Wanna Think,I Dont Wanna Live..I’m Just Tired..
I am a 23 year old girl from India… I am an engineer and I am doing my post graduation now… I have a loving sister, an over protective mother and a really nice father… they love me indeed but out of all the love they have for me, they just fail to see how screwed up my life is…
I was in a really committed relationship for almost 3 years… And itâ€™s been a year since we broke up… HeÂ was my first and I wanted him to be the only one… here in India SEX is everywhere but itâ€™s just a taboo when it happens out of the wedlock…
It does many times and when things go wrong itâ€™s always the girl at fault… you lose respect in the society and people look down upon you as if you have done the gravest sins of all… Family elderâ€™s relatives everyone..!! You and your family becomes a mocking stock in social gathering let alone you are invited to one…
I was bought up a vegetarian… But I learned to cook meat for my guy… I turned a non vegetarian for him… he was a Christian… and I am a Hindu… he never asked me to convert… but I thought that it is something that I have to do to prove my love for him… After all no matter if itâ€™s Jesus or Ram or Rahim… there is only one god… just different names…
But after 3 years of dating he said that heâ€™s dumping me for someone else… which I now believe was just a lie to get rid of me… 2 weeks after he dumped me, I found out that I was pregnant… I asked him hypothetically what if I was pregnant; he said he wouldn’t want it… I had just quit my job for higher studies and I was still living with my parents, I had no other way but to kill my child no matter how much I hated doing it…
My life has been hell ever since… my parents never knew about my little affair, and they forced me to live with my uncle (my fatherâ€™s youngest brother and his wife) throughout my 2 year PG course… My uncle and aunt found out about my Ex and me and snooped around to find out other details including the sex and the abortion… they mixed it up with other false accusations that I am on drugs and that I drink and smoke.. They topped it up with a cherry and told my parents that I am a slut!!! My parents confronted me and I denied it all including my ex…(I still live with the same uncle and aunt who told my parents)
Parental permission means a lot here and they are not even letting me move out… every day I look at these people I have to laugh at their stupid jokes and dine with them, knowing the kind of things they told my parents… if it was just my parents I would have been alright… they told other family friends and relatives too.. Every now and then I get calls from my distant cousins and acquaintances asking me if the things that they hear about me are true… it hurts the most when they ask me about the baby…
I have begged pleaded and even logically asked my EX not to ruin my life… to help me out of this misery… he says that wants nothing to do with my life and I have to face the consequences of my action… he asks me to hope for a future and to make a new ‘friend’… he is out there having fun, partying and sleeping with other people, enjoying his life to the fullest and here I am suffering., every one looking at me as if I really were a prostitute.. I cannot attend a family function without strange glances and lewd comments passed at me… the worst part is the despite everything that he put me through, all the pain and cussing and rejection, I still love him very very much and I wish and pray every night to keep him safe and only for good things happen to him..
When I met him first I was very popular in college…I had many friends…I was ambitious and wanted to excel in my field… now all that is left is a vague shadow of the person that I was… family reputation is quite important in Indian society.. 95% of the marriages are arranged by parents and they do everything to find their child a good match… My reputation is affecting my younger sister too… My mother is forcing me to marry her choice and calls me selfish when I decline… she says that I am being a road block in my sisters life.. I cannot tell her what I am going through… I just want to run away… I was a fool in love and now everyone knows about it… I just wish I could escape the judgmental glances and mocking tones…
Ps: I donâ€™t believe that getting in a relationship and getting married is the ultimate aim of life… but I have done much for my ex, risked so much, I risked everything for him that I donâ€™t think I can do the same with anyone else… I just donâ€™t think I can trust anyone anymore… I just donâ€™t think I can love and loose myself in any one the way I did with my ex… Every time I even remotely try picking up the pieces and decide moving on, I see my babyâ€™s face and it all goes downhill from there once again…
I bought what I thought was KCN form an online dealer placed them in gelatin capsules and gulped them down last night…I went to sleep hoping never to wake up again.. But here I still am… this seems like a only viable option… I donâ€™t want to be a roadblock in my little sisterâ€™s life…I want her to be happy… it been a very long time since I have smiled… I have no friends… the only wishes that I got for my birthday this year were automated emails from my bank and my email account provider… I am just fed up of fighting and being trying to hold on and hoping to be strong…
I never wanted my life to be this way.. Is there any other way out?? I am going to try partial strangulation tonight… if anyone is reading this post I wish you would pray for me to succeed in what I intend to do tonight…
- Abandoned by my mother
- Raped by my grandpa
- When i told abandoned by my grandmother
- Raped by my brother
- Abandoned by everyone in my family but my dad
- Went to court
- Diagnosed with Pseudo seizures
- Struggling with depression, anxiety, ptsd, insomnia, cuttingÂ and other mental illness’s
You would thing my life wouldn’t get any worse.
About 3 month ago, I noticed a lump in my upper left abdomen, it hurt but i ignored it.
1 month ago the pain moved to my lower right abdomen.
In my right abdomen I had an ovarian cyst. Nothing bad right?
I told them about pain on my left side. They did a CT scan. And found a mass.
For the last 2 weeks we’ve been hoping it wasn’t cancer, and that it was kidney stones.
Today I went to the urologist, and was told, it was not a kidney stones.
I’m a 15 year old girl with cancer.
After doing a CT scan today, I found out there’s tumors in both Kidneys.
In 11 days a cancer board will look at my case, decide what to do next.
Their still is a 0.01% of it being “benign” but they told me it is highly unlikely, were now trying to find out what kind of cancer it is.
If its Wilms tumor the fact that I have tumors in both kidneys would make it a stage 5
If its renal cell carcinoma stage 3. ( but cant not be treated with chemo and can progress rapidly.)
In 11 days my life can change.
.. After all I’ve been through, you would think my life would finally start going up hill
Honestly, I don’t know how I ended up here on this website. I’m not even sure when I started feeling like this. It’s a scary thing when you’re lying awake and finding yourself thinking ‘What if I just died?’. ‘Would anyone care?’. ‘Everyone dies. Life goes on. People move on.’, ‘It wouldn’t be any different.’
I don’t think I could ever actually kill myself. I’m far too scared to ever do it. It’s just the fact that I’ve ever considered it that scares me more than anything.
I found lately, that there’s not much point in trying to explain to my friends how I feel because they can never really understand it. Outward I’m this, calm, happy 24 year old girl with the best group of friends anyone can ask for. Inwards, I feel like I’m abandoned, like I’m the loneliest person in the world and I feel like nobody can hear me screaming. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have clinical depression but it has been a really, really rough year and I just wish someone would understand.
I’m a 14 year old girl going into highschool and I basically hate my life. I’ve attempted suicide once with pills but I ran out. I self harm. Only 3 of my closest friends know I hurt myself and I’m afraid word will get around. I don’t want to be a freshman and have a harder time in school because everyone knows I hurt myself. I’ve went maybe a month the longest without hurting myself. I hurt myself because I feel useless. I’m not pretty or very smart or athletic or talented or rich. Those are the only things people care about. I’m fat. I’ve tried loosing weight but people bring me down. My brother is mean to me. Over the summer I’ve have a few problems with different people. All are more popular than me. No one ever takes the time to know me yet they judge. I dont know what to do anymore. I cut my leg so no one knows. I want to stop but I’m having a hard time. My family doesn’t even know and I don’t want them to find out. I feel like my brother gets treated better. He gets things handed to him while I work for what I want. I really want to stop with the thoughts. I don’t even think. I grab the knife and cut without thinking. Everyone thinks I am happy but I’m not. Everyone thinks I look happy. The people who talk to me. Yet we aren’t close… I don’t know what to do anymore…
Hey. I’m a 14 year old girl. I was suicidal last year, I was referred to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services)
I didn’t go. When I was young, my mum used to hit me when I made her angry. I told my school and she got a warning.
My eldest sisters told them I was lying. COINCIDENTALLY the same social worker got involved last year about my “suicide note”.
No. I said, “Won’t death be the perfect escape” among other things. It was private. like a diary.Â SO MY FRIEND DECIDED TO RAID MY ROOM WHILST I WAS AT SCHOOL AND SHE FOUND IT. Anyway. no more social worker business its ended but its still a part of me. I hate her. she ruined my life. She bullied me.
i feel sad. all the time. i used to cut, last year i started and finished within 5 months. i don’t know why i stopped. it felt so good.
i started again a few weeks back. i cut my thigh deep but not that deep. my carpet was stained. so i haven’t done it since in case i get caught.
i want to die. i tied a scarf around my neck at night to stop me from breathing in my sleep but i chickened out and ripped it off.
i overdosed on paracetamol (i know , i don’t have any other medicine) and i was taken to hospital for “food poisoning”. hm.
i missed 2 weeks of school. consequently, i got low level/grades which meant my mum and sister could blaze me and take the mick
this girl has been on my case in schoolÂ i hate her 🙁 she “rearranged” a print screen of a conversation with me and my other friend to make me look bad. so I guess im a “cyber bully” . But im not i promise
i miss my dad. my old dad. he’s still the same though except he’s ill
pulmonary lung fibrosis and the arteries to his heart or something are closing. he’s going to die. doctors gave him 5 years to live, in 2009.
but I love him. he’s the nicest person ever.
im still angry about how my sister said, “you never get it do you? not everything is about you” (she’s 21 by the way)
My dad came in, and i was so mean to him i told him to get lost i am crying now because i made him sad 🙁 🙁
i only have 2 true friends but i only say true to keep myself happy. i’ve been bullied by them in the past but whats done is done right??
i literally don’t have anything.
no memories no prized possession.
except for my dad
all the time i was thinking of dying i thought about my dad how sad he’d be after his princess is dead
i want to wait until he dies i know its selfish but i literally cannot carry on anymore
time after time i make mistakes and people bully me
everyone says “fuck them” but no i can’t i just can’t
i always let it get to me and thats why i suck im a failure why am i even alive i don’t deserve this
im muslim. we , not including me, believe that if you commit suicide, you go to hell
but God, why are you letting me sufferI’m going to hell anyway. for questioning you, for *probably* committing, for doubting you.
i hate myself even more now
what if God hates me and takes my dad
what if He takes my only friends
I have bulimia and two years ago I cut 3 little cuts on my stomach. I’m a 14 year old girl and on terms of being depressed, I’ve managed to keep my actions in check. Something change last night. I got into a fight with my best friend that I have told absolutely everything thing to and he’s been totally supportive but, he just full on changed and was against me and called everything what I did or what I think stupid. Â I know that I cut 3 cuts on my stomach 2 years ago but that’s nothing compared to how badly I cut my arm last night, 3 cuts is nothing. I would proudly say that last night was the first real time I cut. I used to think that people would self-harm out of pity but, I learned that people do it out of rage. I always cry and feel so guilty but I didn’t cry once and I don’t feel any bit of guilt. I’m actually proud that I did it because it has truly made me stronger and has pushed me to not only be bulimic but I feel like I can actually starve myself. And right now I can’t trust a soul and I’m relived that I don’t have to deal with anyone’s bullsh!t. My arm might be stinging like a ***** but I honestly don’t give a crap. I’m going to high school this year and I used to be scared and afraid of what people would think of me but right now I don’t give a crap about what anyone thinks because I know I’m the bigger person. I just don’t know what to do from now on and who to tell, or to even tell anyone. Cutting is painful.
Wow, that sounds weird for some one as new as me, because i tend to not gain attention, Internet-wise or not, but thats besides the point. I am a 13 year old girl, nothing special, and to be honest, i’m not that serious of a case, compared to other people,Â ButÂ what my problem is that i suffer from my negative emotions, and i do mean it quiet Â literally. Let me try to clear this up for you. For example, lets assume that you and i used to be really close, but then our relationship… fails. Like i wasn’t as great as a friend then you thought i was, or if i was unintentionally hurting you and making you feel depressed. And then we end it, have a heart-to-heart chat or something, and then…i feel like horrible, like a criminal, like a monster, etc, etc. And my world kinda turns into a melted mess, and reality becomes rather… gloomy, sick and horrible. There is no ups, just downs and frowns and me, disgusting, rotten old me. And every thought becomes a twisted message reminding me on how horrible i am, and depending on how bad the scenario is, i’ll act differently. If its shitty, all of my negativity is bottled inside and if it’s horrible, i just lose it in front of everyone, and i need to leave the classroom i’m in because of so. Anyway, back to the point. Below me are some poetry and drabbles from 2012, with the last two from 2013, Â and… i dunno, it just represent the madness i feel during those moments, from mad, to depressed, to suicidal. With my personal favorite “An ordinary kid told me…”, to my earliest one, “Dear Allah”, I question God, Myself and sanity, so i hope that i have, at least, made my mark.
An ordinary kid told meâ€¦
Deep inside my numbed mind
A dark shadow is where I hide
Paranoia lives inside
I made my grave
Now I must lie.
Call me a coward
Call me a fool
Insult me whenever you want
Because I know itâ€™s true
Before I was just sad
But now, I must be mad
Because what I considered normal
Is now just a disorder
Slave to technology
Books are now empty
A mess is what I made
Money is burning the more words that I say
At home, Iâ€™m just a shell
At school, my true self just fell
Down the stairs, so now I must wear a mask
To cover my shame
But damn, my mask is covered in cracks
Do I have friends? Why yes I do
Well, when they arenâ€™t yelling at each other about
Who did this, or who did that
Or when a heart-to-heart conversation
Ends up in yelling or screaming
And a call to room 307
At my school
If I was weird, Iâ€™d be proud of it
But Iâ€™m not, Iâ€™m just retarded
She said, the girl next to me
When I wanted to do my work in humanities
Whereâ€™s daddy when you need him
Somewhere else in the goddamn world
What happened to my little brother
Heâ€™s dead, replaced with an unstable blur
Of mental issues, and asthma
Yelling and schoolyard trauma.
And mom, poor mom,
Her life is just a wreck
With her broken children
And a job that she struggles with
No matter how much she loves it
Not enough money comes out of the bank
I canâ€™t take it anymore
Iâ€™m just so sick and horrible
Let blood out my blacken soul
And treat my like a criminal
Iâ€™m a good person
And a smart kid
But no matter, I still procrastinate
Thus leading to not-so good grades
And because Iâ€™m far away
I tend to be late
Always lowering the bar
The expectations, the chances
When I see the good life
I never see myself in it anymore
So I put my broken dream up high
On top of my mountain of lies
Hidden in my mind
A dark corner overrides
And now I want to die
So in hell , â€™ll feel alive
When fire licks my eyes
Pain going though my body
That way Iâ€™ll feel something
This good little girl a lie.
Reasons why I suck:
- I lie
- I am a hypocrite
- People still hate me
- I am lazy
- I sin
- I am a horrible friend
- I want to die
- I am greedy
- I am selfish
10. I am useless
11. I want what others have ( Envy )
12. I suck
13. I generally go for the more â€œDarkâ€ things
14. I donâ€™t think I am considered â€œSaneâ€ anymore
15. Iâ€¦ canâ€™t be the good guy.
16. I am mean-spirited.
17. I am confused, about life, meaning, death, and god.
18. I use scapegoats
19. I am a pain to everybody
20. I *****
21. Iâ€™m too moody.
Hi..i’m a 16 year old girl and i really don’t know where to begin..
but I will begin by saying i’m suicidal and under a lot of depression…
the cutting has temporarily stopped, but when I get the urge to do it..nothing can stop me.. I will cut myself with anything and everything…
i used bobby pins, box cutters, scissors, knives, plastic, dried up paint, rocks, needles, safety pins…you name it ; I’ve used it..
I had to undergo therapy for it when my mom finally noticed..but it’s all a bunch of bullshit..
nobody really cares if you’re alive or not. and once you die, everybody starts faking like they miss you.. i’ve been cutting for about 5 years now.
and i really can’t find a reason as to why i do it…i just do..
my anger , fear and depression take over my whole body and it’s as if I’m not myself.. i just start cutting nonstop until the blood drips down my arms and legs and suddenly i feel better
. I’m happy.. i turn into the same person i was the day before..
each and everyday i find it more and more difficult to cope. .
I feel weak.. i used to be able to hold back the pain when i was aroumd people; now i can’t even do that.. i have to scratch myself until I bleed or bite my lip until i bleed…as soon as i am home alone i cry.. i don’t know what to do to stop myself from being depressed when i don’t know why i am depressed in the first place
I have had a really hard life. And I bet a lot of you people reading this have had one too. But not all.. This is my story…
Hi, I am a fourteen year old girl who has been humililated, tortured, and bullied my whole life. I don’t have friends. I am very anti-social. I am home schooled because of everything that has happened. I am only in 8th grade. And My life is a complete hell. I have been bullied for about 9 years now, since the day I moved here. I used to here people in the hall ways, and I was just a little girl. No little girl should have to hear the people she thought were her friends call her such horrible things at such a young age, actually never! But I did. People would even come up to my face and tell me how I am a waste of space, ect. For about 3 years, second grade, i just tried and tried to ignore what everyone was saying about me and my family. But it got really hard day by day. Finally, in about fourth grade i started to believe everything that was being said about me. I am fat, I am dumb, I am not-good-enough, I am a waste of space, I am a b*tch, ect… I then entered middle school with that same attitude, and nothing changed except boys got more judgmental, and girls got more Â b*tchy. Everyone blamed me for being the bully and the horrible one. But what no one realized is that i was only that way because everyone made me like that. From all of the tormenting and taunting and teasing and humiliating and sarcasm about me made me the person i was… am today.. Life can be a b*tch people say, well they are completely correct. I was known as the bully by my whole town and shockingly enough my own mother. When ever i tried to tell people why i am the way i am everyone refuses to listen. I guess they just find it easier to blame me. I guess i am.. an easy target. Everyday of school i would wake up thinking about how i would get through one more day of this torment. When 6th grade came, I lost any shred of friends i did have. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was turned on me at this point. I was alone against the world it felt. i understand people like me are out there all over the world but my heart cant see that. All my heart sees is all of the people around me praying and screaming to take my life. People probably even look over at their calender and see if they won a bet of how long it would take for me to actually call a quits. I did the same. I would wake up and stand up and look in the mirror and pray i was see nothing and i would just be a ghost, a shadow. Nothing.. Like everyone thinks i already am. Some people say they wish they could just wake up and find out that everything was just a big nightmare. But not me. That is a nightmare i wouldnt be able to handle. That would push me over the edge most likely because of the possibilities of how my life could have been. i don’t wish this life on anyone. Yes, I may be spoiled, I may have some nice things. And Yes i do know that there are people out there with way less than me and real horrible lives. But just because i get things doesnt mean i am not depressed. Doesnt mean i dont have feelings. Doesnt mean I can’t hate life. I pray to the god that i dont believe in saying “I would give up everything in the world that i have just to be happy. It went like that from 6th to 7th grade. Finally, 8th grade comes. In the beginning, I had a mini group of friends and i thought my pray came true! But what i didnt know was it was going to pass. They all eventually turned on me. By the middle of the year i was alone, depressed, lonely, and scared. I started to be scared of my own echo because i didnt want to be near anyone because the fear of them judging me was always hanging over my head, like a dark cloud. My paranoia started to become very obvious to everyone but those close to me such as family. They had no idea of anything. Everything inside me was almost gone. People just had drained every inch of me. I was really just, nothing. I started cutting. Cutting gave me a sense of relief. Like my whole life i was not in control of how much pain was caused to myself and how much scars would show and so i was finally in control of it. I controlled how many cuts i have. I control how much pain i cause by how hard i press. I know it may not seem like a lot but it made me forget how much my life really sucked for even a second. Sometimes a second is all anyone needs. I wish people would see how hard i try to please them! But no one does. All i ever hear is you can do better! Or, You’re not doing anything! When honestly it may look that way yes, but inside i am doing this biggest thing anyone could ever have to do, trying to keep myself a live when there seriously isnt much to hold on to anymore. I am losing my grip on reality and was getting ready to end it all. I had a huge fight with my therapist and everything took a turn for the worse. I tried to commit suicide. People say “it may seem like to you it is telling people to leave you alone but to everyone else it is a cry forhelp. It is prob a cry for help ryanne.” No it isn’t I just wish i could close my eyes and one day wake up a be alone. No one to argue with. Be able to be the real me which i am not able to do even in my own house hold. People see I am hiding behind a mask everytime i am around anyone. Even my own family, which is very hard to do. I after a little while tried to commit suicide. I had/ have nothing left inside of me. I am completely empty inside. I wish no one would save me. I wish someone would take all the misery i i cause myself including everyone around me away by just taking my life. If there was a way to end it all without hurting my mother and grandfather, I would do it as fast as light travels.One minute you would see me and the next nothing. But it would not be a big deal because No one would notice if i was gone anyway. It is not like i make an impact in anyones life, or make anyone whole. I am not needed nor loved. I wish that night i tried to take my life i succeeded. People say that i would regret that if i actually did. But honestly I wouldn’t i would be free of all of this sadness and furiousness, and depressing feelings that are eating me alive. I have actually started cutting again. I have been cut free for a while now. People are proud of me. And they say cutting is horrible and the wrong thing to do. And once someone asked me if i could go back and never have cut would i go back? and my answer is always the same and always will be, No i would not go back. I would still have cut. cutting is not wrong to me. It got me to the day i am in now. I know To some people that may seem like a punishment and it really is. But i have my mother to think about. Cutting saved my life. And still is right now…
Why am I like this?I’m a 14 year old girl, at the end of my freshman year of high school. And all I can think about is killing myself. I don’t understand why I’m like this, am I crazy? It feels like everyone else is just strolling along happily while I’m stuck in a hole deep underground. I’ve felt like this for the past 3 years, I cut myself for a while and I’m trying to stop because I’m sick of being embarrassed of myself but the urges are returning. The feelings of desperation and loneliness take up most of my day. I can’t seem to get out of bed anymore, and when I’m out of bed I feel like I should be standing on the edge of a ledge or in front of a train like it’s what I deserve. I deserve to stop being a disappoint to my entire family, to stop being an annoyance to my few friends and to stop breathing all together. I have come to the realization that I am without a purpose, I will go nowhere in life and I’m beginning to accept that. It’s just that I don’t know how to deal with that acceptance. I want to die. But then again I want to be kissed before I die but no one will ever even like a girl with scars, they’re not a desirable item. It’s just that I’m slowly breaking apart day by day and I’m sick of keeping it bottled in. I’m sorry for wasting your time, nights are the worst for me.
i found this website by searching for ways to overdose on pills so i decided to make an account to see if it wouldÂ help but, now from reading other posts from people that are around 30 and over that i cant relate to in debt and what not, it just makes me feel even more alone. I’m only 13 and i really shouldn’t be deserving any of the crap i get. I know that people have it worse than me but right now, i should be worrying about boys and whatever a 13 year old girlÂ worries about, i shouldn’t be worry about hiding my scars. Â and i should be reaching comfort from my mother. i know most of you understand what it feels like to have crappy parents but even though i get sooooo much shit from my mom that makes me want to kill myself, but Â i still love her for some unexplained reason. that’s one thing about myself that i hate. i’m too nice to people and i forgive them. and right now i just need someone to relate to.
I’m a 17 year old girl, and I’m still alive. I suppose I should start off with the positives.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression a year and a half ago, and most of my friends know. I don’t have the energy to do any work at home, and at college I can’t concentrate and just keep having to go to the toilets and cry. I’m going to fail all my exams, I’ve accepted that, and for the moment I’m just trying to concentrate on staying alive. I want to drop out and get a job, but I would keep breaking down and crying there too and get fired. I’ve told a few people that I was suicidal a few weeks ago, and they all seem to accept the “was,” but it’s not that simple. I’m fighting every day, but I’m running out of energy to.
My boyfriend keep telling me he can’t see why I’m so depressed when I have people there for me. The thing is, my friends are used to me being the one who will help them out, so they come to me with their problems anyway over facebook, and I’m trying to think of what to say to them while crying. I cry nearly all the time when I’m not with people, because I don’t like people seeing me cry, but people keep catching me. I’m sick of having to explain why, and I’m sick of living like this. Crying for a bit then coming back out helps more than having to explain everything to someone.
It feels like I’m in a swimming pool that I can’t get out of, and I’m tiring and I keep going under. My friends wave at me from the sidelines and tell me I can get through it. When I’m with my boyfriend it’s like he throws me a raft and I can keep afloat for a while, but when he leaves so does the raft. They all seem to think they’re helping, and going to my boyfriend’s house is something to focus on to help get me through the day, but it’s not enough. I don’t want a raft, I want someone to pull me out of the pool. I want to be able to go a day without crying, or wanting to hurt or kill myself. The thing is, they won’t give pills to someone my age. Last time I had a counsellor, but it lasted all of a few weeks, didn’t help at all, made things worse.
I missed my bus on purpose today because I can’t face college. My friend’s boyfriend broke up with her last night, and I knew she was going to be crying all over me again, looking to me for support I can’t give. I know that makes me selfish and an awful friend. I know that. I just couldn’t. So I was searching for methods of suicide today, and I couldn’t find any quick or painless ones. I found this site, and figured posting this was worth a try. Believe me, I don’t want to kill myself, I just want to stop being depressed. I wantÂ to stop driving my boyfriend/friends away by being permanently depressing and feeling hopeless and worthless.
Before someone says this, my mum and stepdad know I’m depressed. They don’t know I’m suicidal, but they know I’m feeling “a bit under the weather”. My stepdad is one of those who thinks the solution would be to keep me in my room until I finish all my work, because he thinks that’s the problem. That’s what happened last year, and I got through my GCSEs, but my state of mind didn’t exactly improve, although I stopped self harming now Mum’s looking. My mum is like a Disney princess, and she feels everyone’s pain so deeply, and she’s already under enough stress, I can’t tell her how bad it is. I’m just trying to take it a day at a time and not run in front of cars, but it’s so hard.
I’m not really sure why I’m posting this. I’m just don’t know what to do, and I figured if I’m looking for people who do know, this would be the place. If you’ve taken the time to read all this, thank you.
My friend is now texting me about my friend who’s boyfriend broke up with her. “(Me) get ya butt up here (friend) is crying,” “(Me) (friend) needs you you had better be there at dinner”. I feel like the worst friend ever but I just can’t. I wish they’d stop expecting me to be able to help, I can’t even help myself.
I’m sorry for the rant….
I went to my friends house last night. He told me to try a shot. I have nothing to lose so I did. The night ended with me taking 7 shots of vodka with some fruity stuff and some captain morgan. I have never felt so out of control. I can’t really remember anything that happened. But now I see why people drink. I never thought a fifteen year old girl like myself, would stoop to such a low level to escape the empty feeling even if it was only temporarily. I didn’t feel empty at the time, I felt warm and fuzzy and happy.
I’m such a hypocrite.
I talk big about staying positive and happy, yet I can’t find my own reasons for this. I’m literally so stressed out right now that I feel like I should just end my own life to end all this pain and torture.
Anything I ever do isn’t good enough. Whether it’s getting good grades, getting accepted to a good university, or to winning a sports tournament, nothing is good enough for my parents.
I’m a lazy person. That’s just who I am. A 17 year old girl that’s at the end of her senior year, who’s lazy and likes to lay in bed or in the hammock all day playing Pokemon. Coming from a family that actively plays tennis, my parents are constantly nagging at me for laying in bed and not wanting to go exercise or play tennis with them.
Truth is…I hate tennis. I hate it with the biggest passion. I hate how I’ve been forced to play it since I was about 3 or 4. I just hate exercising in general, and I’ve already accepted the fact that I’m fat because of this. Sure I may not be obese, but I’m overweight and I’m perfectly fine with my body. But no, this isn’t good enough for my parents.
My mom has got to be a bigger hypocrite than I am. She’s clearly twice my size and lays in the couch all day when she’s not playing her hour of tennis, but of course my dad (the one who’s always nagging at me to go exercise) doesn’t say anything to her because my mom’s like the “man of the house” and he won’t ever do anything that defies her.
Anyways, I thought I was stress free ever since I got accepted into college. Well, boy was I wrong. I’m probably the most stressed I’ve ever been in my entire life. I have to worry about doing projects for school, orientation for college, and now my sister’s forcing me to do some classes at a community college because it’s easier and cheaper than the university I’m going to (which by the way, she also attends) so now I have to take these classes before I go to university this summer. On top of that, I’m getting yelled at for not doing this myself (even though it wasn’t even my choice) because my dad favors my sister and is mad at me for making her do more work than she needs to. To wrap this all up, I have a school tournament tomorrow so I’m going to be missing two days of class. Normally people should be happy about this, but just missing one day in my classes is enough to get you lost. And let’s not forget…on Saturday, my dad dropped a ladder on my foot on accident so now I can barely walk. If I don’t play tomorrow, my team won’t make it to Regionals, which is just a higher level tournament. I also forgot to mention that thanks to my orientation for university, I’m going to be missing my finals week…meaning I have to take my finals earlier. Oh joy.
So now I’m alone in my room crying because I can’t take this stress anymore. I only slept an hour yesterday and to make sure I’m well rested for tomorrow, I tried going to bed at 8. Now I probably won’t get any sleep tonight. I wish that if I do miraculously go to sleep tonight, that I won’t wake up the next morning.
i have scars. yeah, they’re pretty bad. all up my arms and legs. But they serve a nice purpose. they remind not to do dumb shit like trust anyone, or believe there is hope, or even believe in general. they remind me that life is one big game of lies, of which, i lose. They remind me that life is like a funhouse mirror, you think everything is perfect until you step in front of one. and then BAM! everything just goes wack. so yeah, I wear black. “typical emo” though right? (*bastards*) I wear black to remind me that everyday is a day to mourn the birth of myself, that everyday is a day without my friends who died (*suicide’s a ******) I wear black cause I can.
Now for the one question that EVERYONE who knows me wants to know: “what’s an emo?”
well, if you weren’t so narrow minded, you’d know that emo is a shortened version of emotional. so, an emo is someone who has a lot of emotions. people get emo[tional] confused with depressed or bi-polar. emo[tional] is completly different, and really. to be honest, I don’t like to be considered emo[tional] but i am a hormonal thirteen year old girl, i mean c’mon. I gonna get mood swings. (*like as if i were on a swing at that one park i used to hang out at with……..nevermind…*) Probably no one will read this. No one ever reads my posts unles their eyes wander from the other posts. and if you do read this. have fun getting back the last however many minutes you spent reading this.
I’ve told you her story now I’ll tell you mine. I’m Angel and I’m 13, I’ve gone through so much though so don’t judge me on my age. I’ve been raped and beaten, I’ve been hated on and abused, both physically and mental, I’m suicidal and IÂ cut. I’ve gone through so much and I don’t understand why I’m here anymore. Why do I have to live on this earth full of haters? Anyway, when I was 10 I was put up for adoption and I was taken in by a family in Louisiana. They were okay, for the first week. They had 5 other kids besides me though. The youngest little girl who was 9 at the time was always stealing my food, that’s okay, I rarely ate and if I did I threw it back up. The slightly older girl who was 11 made fun of me for being on the small side. I went to school wearingÂ clothes much too big for me, no one looked my way. When I got home I was hit for being smart and burned byÂ cigarettes, andÂ called names like fag and whore. I didn’t mind, I mean words don’t hurt, right? I found my first love, she was a girl, sadly, which added more names to the list. It hurt, Â she taught me toÂ cut to make the pains go away, so I did, but sheÂ cheated on me and then ended up dying, blood-loss. My real family readopted me, but the damage had been done. When IÂ came back to New York a 51 year old man almost raped me, it’s been in the news about the man who tried to rape an OrangeÂ county 13 year old girl, hey yeah that’s me. So, anyway, IÂ cut and I’ve tried to kill myself so had my new girlfriend, but we are helping each other win this fight. Â We will win our battles. I will survive.
I’m a 20 year old girl, i have a job i don’t miss a day, i have no real friends i spend all my time playing computer games and thinking bout what i am gonna do to change my life so ill be happier but then i remember who i am and how its worthless trying to fix myself when i cant be fixed i was teased through high school we were kinda poor so i couldn’t afford any nice clothes i wore so many handy downs u could tell i was poor i was a loser i still am i dropped outta high school got a job thought i was happy but over the recent few months it has just hit me I’m turning 21 soon i have no friends no life and its all because i wasn’t able to connect to people i was too shy I’m still shy i push everyone away the minute i get closer I’m so scared of people seeing me the way i see myself that id rather end it I’ve only ever had one boyfriend he never treated me the way i no an interested guy would i thought i was just too ugly i felt rejected that where i started to realise im not very pretty well then he turned gay he has a boyfriend now i don’t no why but it hurts a little I’m happy for him tho I’ve been talking online starting relationships with guys just for the feeling that someone wants me for then i just stop talking to them last few weeks I’ve been thinking bout how i just want a new life want this 1 to be over already
I’m a 17 year old girl, and I’m depressed and Â have anxiety issues.. Apparently it is quite common to want to die but it isn’t a good enough reason to actually kill yourself. If you do, people will be seriously hurt. If I didn’t know anyone at all, I would probably do it, but I do know people. So I have to stay alive.
I don’t have close friends because I push them all away. I’m never comfortable, even just sitting alone in my room away from everyone, I’m on edge. When I actually go out and do things, I have to constantly take deep breaths and try to calm down because my heart races and I freak out. I don’t remember the last time I was happy.
I’m not going to type out my whole life story. I just want to say that I do feel this way and I do want to die, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself. I have been sure that I didn’t want to live for about a year. For years before that I was unhappy, but I wasn’t sure if suicide was right.Â I haven’t gotten help yet. I am going to start going to therapy and taking prozac next week. Even if it doesn’t work and I always feel miserable, I have to stay alive. I hope that whoever is reading this will decide to stay alive, too.
No one has any idea how completely suicidal I am. I know everyone out there must think I should get help. But I do not want help. I want to kill myself before anyone realizes I should get help. And now again, I know what you must think, well why would you be posting on a public forum? Well, I have just bottled up everything for so long without being able to tell a soul. All of my true feelings about everything have just been trapped inside me. I have to lie to everyone about everything all the time. It’s horrible. I literally refuse to make any plans because I’m convinced that tomorrow will be the end.
I did tell one person, my sort of ex-boyfriend, when I was completely drunk. I asked him if he would help me kill myself. I don’t really remember his answer. But later that night he raped me. I don’t know if I can call it rape though, because we have hadÂ consensualÂ sex in the past. A year later I found out he raped one of my best friends. I’ve lost all hope in humanity and trust since that.
Monday was my first real suicidal attempt. I’ve written the letters before. I’ve made it to the bridge before. I’ve hung by the rope before. But never made it to a point that could have been fatal. On monday I took the 15 year old girl depressed about not being the most popular girl in school approach. I swallowed 25 benedryls followed by 30 aspirins. My logic was that I’d pass out before that affects happened. Well now I realize how incredibly low the dose Â was. It was stupid. I was just puking the rest of the night. By this point I probably sound insane. Well, Â I feel as sane as a suicidal person could feel.
I’m honestly not looking for any attention or comments how life is worth it. That’s one major reason why I don’t want anyone to know I’m suicidal. I don’t want peoples’ pity, orÂ unnecessaryÂ attention. I don’t want to kill myself so everyone would find out. I just wanted to Â tell a small part of my story because I’m sick of my diary, and it feels good knowing someone will read it, since I will never be telling anyone I actually know. It hurts knowing the people closest to you can’t know the real you.