When I say I feel trapped, I mean because I really don’t want to live, but to kill myself  I’d feel SO selfish towards my 4 younger siblings and boyfriend, I wouldn’t want to ruin there life because of me killing myself.
I wish my life would get better but things always seem to get in the way.
I haven’t met my boyfriend yet, but he’s SO amazing, I have issues that have made me put of meeting him for a little while, mostly insecurity around the issue, and he’s really understanding of that, I’m so worried he wont like me when we meet.
I really want to sort my life out, but I’m finding it harder and harder to leave the house, I never used to be like this, but the more I don’t go out, the more I fear doing so.
My main motivation is my boyfriend, but I really don’t know where to start with sorting my life out, is it really too much to ask to be happy?
The list of things I want to sort out are;
1: Loosing weight, I try, I really do, it lasts a few days, then I’ll just binge, I think it’s a comfort eating type of thing, I did it tonight, but I made myself sick after (something I don’t normally do).
2: Sorting my issue out, that is my main problem, and the main reason I’m so depressed all the  time and started me not leaving the house as much, I’ve been to the doctors on numerous occasions about it, but they can’t seem to do anything, it’s a physical problem, but people say that they don’t notice it, maybe they can’t, but I can, and in a intimate relationship, I’m pretty sure it will become noticeable as I’m not covered up.
3: Leave the house more and gain my independance again; eventually getting a job again.
4: Be happy.
5: Stop self harming.
6:become more social.
I’ll probably self harm tonight, I don’t know why but it seems to help calm me, lately I’ve been crying a lot, I think it’s a mixture of all my problems, just a build up. Also I feel bad for making my boyfriend wait longer than he wanted to meet, not many guys would wait this long to meet, I’m so lucky to have him.
I genuilly believe that if it wasn’t my siblings (and now my boyfriend too), I would have killed myself a long time ago. But I hate the feeling of being trapped (Does anyone else feel like that, in the same context as me?), and I know that I’m the only one that can sort this out. I’ve started counselling too, I hope that will help, but I’ve felt like shit every time I’ve left a session so far.
Does anyone have any input to this? Any advice?
8 comments
I didn’t quite understood what your issue was but… i get it. I mean I’m going through almost the same right now. It’s like you feel so happy sometimes (when you’re talking with your boyfriend for example) and then for no reason you start going under and feeling bad. If you wanna talk… please email me, don’t close yourself up
I do want to talk, but I really don’t know where to start.
You have losing weight as #1 is that really important? If so what are you doing now? Losing weight is a lot more then eating right; excercise is paramount. Exercising also helps to alieve depression as well as boost your self confidence which would help being more social.
As for self harm you say it calms you. Is there another way you can take your mind of things that’s not so destructive? A hobby or talking to someone.
They weren’t in order per say. I know, i was doing really well for a while, and I felt really healthy, but then I just stopped, I don’t really know why.
I really don’t know, I’ve tried other ways, but it’s not so much the pain that calms me, it’s the bleeding.
Look I’m here for you… I’m Ana, I know it’s not much but you have a friend in me okay? Let’s make it through… togheter
Thank you, I’ve sent you an E-mail.
Psstt. You know what I find that helps? Gum. Holy crap, sometimes I just need something to chew. And, let you in on a secret, it used to be my hands. I would chew until I bled. A lot. It wasn’t good. And there were reasons other than I want to chew something for doing that. But gum helps, if you don’t want to binge. And can’t get out of your house? Just maybe take a walk every now and then. Make a path and walk it every now and then. It can just be some absent minded walk. You can listen to music or whatever. Exercise and getting out of the house can go hand in hand. You just have to start small. Gum and walking, that’s how I started. Then I went to random squats and lunges. Just small tests to get yourself going helps. And it will take a while, trust me, it takes a long while. As for the blood, I understand that. There’s something about blood that sparks something… it calms me… and it excites me… and it makes me act differently. It’s an odd thing. I try to stay away from it…
Gum makes you more hungry doesn’t it? As it gets your saliva working and makes your body thing you’re being fed, when you’re not? I love going for walks.. But my area, is horrible. When I exercise, I normally follow a YouTube exercise routine for 30 minutes to an hour. I haven’t been to bad with self harming, I’ve only done it twice the past 2 months, which is A LOT less than usual for me. But when I do, do it, it’s pretty bad.