just another story

i’ve dealt with complicated thoughts and feelings my entire life, all of them in their most extreme form. i daily go from being angry at everything else that exists, to quietly loathing myself in a corner. i had suicidal thoughts from the time i was very young, maybe as early as eight. i first really plotted to kill myself when i was sixteen. i even learned how to tie a perfect hangmans noose. i’m 20 now. and the thing is, that it really has nothing to do with my life. i don’t have any significant problems, hell, i even just got engaged to my girlfriend. but i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i’m an angry, violent person. and even though i’ve never hurt anyone, i know i can never have children, and the only reason i feel like i can get married to my girlfriend is because she’s not the type to just put up with bullshit. she’d kick my ass in a heartbeat if she had too… i just really cant be trusted with anything fragile, because if i get angry with it, i’m worried i’ll destroy it out of rage . it’s shameful really. i’m pathetic. i’ve always been pathetic. and honestly, i wish all my family would just start hating me as much as they should, so i could finally end it all guilt free…