I just don’t want to be here anymore. Lately I really have just lost the will to care. I can’t really go to my family or friends with how I’ve been feeling. My family would probably put me someplace and I really don’t want my friends to see me in this light. I’ve been in therapy practically all my life and it hasn’t helped. I can’t even go through all the medication I’m on. My appetite has gone to complete hell, I just don’t want to eat anymore. According to my bmi, I’m extremely underweight but in a way it makes me happy because hopefully my body will just eventually shut down. I’ve already graduated from school once but thank to the economy there were no jobs available, so I went back for another degree yet school is stressing me out to the point where i’ve actually felt that I’ve come close to having a stroke. I spend most of my time in isolation, mostly because the friends I have are either moving on and getting married and started families. New friends that I’ve made are just basically busy. I am the only one of my friends from growing up that hasn’t gotten married. I feel left behind. They’re all so happy, and I am happy for them but I’m also jealous and I hate myself for feeling like that. I’ve never had anyone say they loved me in that way. I really do just want to give up. It’s like I’m constantly going down the tunnel, looking for the light, but the light is constantly turning into a train and running me over. Every night before I fall asleep i pray over and over to not wake up in the morning. I’m just too physically, mentally exhausted to care anymore and I just wish everything would just stop. I don’t why I’m even posting…I guess I just needed to say this
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I know exactly how you feel, I wish I could give you some positive advice but I feel as though I don’t know what positive is anymore, any happiness I feel is temporary and superficial, I fear that if I don’t end it soon my whole life will be like this
Awwwww,
I read this and feel so sorry for you.
But what can I say? I’ve struggled with depression much of my life as a blind indevidual so I know how you feel.
But you can always talk if you want to, my email is brl.cents@gmail.com
I understand where you are coming from completely
It just seems that things will never get better. I’m tired of waiting for them to get better. I’ve been waiting 20 years for them to get better, but it’s constantly just one train after another. I don’t know what to do. I just cant believe the “its always darkest before the light” thing anymore. What if there is no light? what if it’s always false? you know?
you said you understand and I thank you for that. whats your story?
It is kind of comforting that I’m not the only one who feels like this. Don’t really know if it;s because you guys are strangers or what. Funny thing, I was never actually supposed to exist in the first place. I’m only here because I had a sister that died and then I was conceived out of grief. A replacement baby. My mom constantly tries to tell me how wanted I was yet, after her first two kids she had her tubes tied. I wasn’t even a glimmer in my parents eyes before she died. I’d give anything in the world to switch places with her. She would’ve had a better life. My family would’ve been happier. My parents probably would’ve never gotten divorced and my other sister would have turned into a happier person. I think everyone would’ve been happier and better off if she was here instead of me.