Out of darkness

This is my first time on here but thank God I have joined. I have felt so detached from myself for such a long time now. Its like I cant feel anything and everything around me is happening on tv or something because im not feeling it. This makes me feel incredibly guilty but I cant help it. My depression has hung around my neck for 2 years strongly now and began about 6 yeas before that but I didnt realise it at the time.

My dad suffers but he will not admit it and has adjusted his life to suit it I think. But I dont want that. Im 43 ive still got the last part of my life to see to yet. But I find it very hard to keep up and motivated. Every day is a struggle. Ive begun not sleeping until 4 in the morning then I cant get up. That makes me feel lazy and useless and I can feel my family looking at me and wondering what the hell am I turning into.

I used to teach in a high school. Now through this curse called depression I seem to have lost just about everything. I have 3 grown children who I know concerned and dont know what to do. I go off at people at a drop of a hat, just blow up really aggressively and its not me, well not who I used to be. Its all very scary.

It has cost me my relationship and I watched it go without feeling, like a robot. But may be thats not true. Anger and hurt came out, only Ive forgotten how to say it with calm words. The only emotion I seems to feel like its coming out in anxiety attacks and I’m skitty and nervous, flight or fly feeling sometimes all day and that terrible feeling that something bad is going to happen. Oh god sometimes I feel I am going insane.

The guy has driven me mad though to be fair to myself. He certainly has not helped me get better but pushed me further under. I guess to analyse what and where our lives have gone wrong, is the key to repairing ourselves as well as we can.

I feel more ashamed of myself than anything. People used to look up to me, always come to me with their problems because I was always wise and gave good advise. People have stopped coming now. I feel in a constant state of fuzziness and my mind just wont clear. I m not interested in anything really other than my gardening. Its the one thing that calms me and makes me feel at peace, if only for a short while. I can detach in my garden and get hours of joy just looking at the plants and widelife around them.

Im in big trouble I think, and I dont know how to get out of it. Im going to a therapist but to be honest with my lifestyle I cant be honest and the 20mg of Citalopram dont seem to work.

But I do feel strangely abit better tonight after getting this off my chest. Thank heavens for people like me who hopefully truely understand how im feeling.