Hi everyone,
My name is Tony and I’m a 29yo white male from FL. I’ve been dealing with depression for a good part of my life now along with ADHD and anxiety. I’ve always been the loner type and found it hard to make friends, when I did make some it wouldn’t last long for reasons beyond my understanding. I’ve always wanted to have a normal life like everyone around me seems to be having, but I know deep down that will never happen. The thought of suicide is always in my head no matter where I am or who I’m with. I have no one to talk to about my problems or feelings cause none of the few friends that I do have want hear it or give a shit. When I was little my dad use to give me baths and do things to me and have me do things to him, at the time I wasn’t old enough for it to bother me cause I guess I didn’t really understand what was going on. When I got old enough to have some understanding about it and knew it was wrong I told my mom, she just looked at me and said it was all in my head and blew it off with out a care in the world, from that day on, I started to notice that other people didn’t care and didn’t want to hear anything I had to say or even get to know me for me. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder why?, why am I like this? why do others treat me this way? what is so wrong with me that I can’t even call someone my best friend?. Life is a up and down battle for me with no end in sight and that’s why I feel its best for me to just leave it all behind, forget the hurt, forget the sadness, hopelessness and torment that I go through everyday. It would be cool to find someone to go out with but that’s going to be asking a lot. I’ve researched all kinds of ways to end my life and found hanging to be the best bet. I wanted to do the exit bag way but the helium control value is hard to make cause I can’t seem to find anywhere on the net on what parts I need to get. I’ve got a spot picked out where I can die with out someone finding me before I can finish, I have got my suicide note ready and all of my stuff is going to a good home. I’m hear to tell a little about myself and my story and see if any of you guys can help with somethings. First, whats a good rope to use and if any of you know about the helium control value?
I just kind of threw this together, sorry if its kind of sloppy.
5 comments
dear tony, you find it hard to befriend people, and most of the time the friendship dont last long; you want a normal life like everyone else but you cant seem to have it. you have suicidal thoughts no matter where and when. and its true. but one thing is not, you do have someone to listen to. you can talk to me. you can tell me your problems, and you can ask me for advice. and i will give if i have the answers to it.
i know you want it all to end, promptly. but give me a try. hanging can wait for another day. email me would you? thesilentbomb@hotmail.com
I don’t know anythinq about the helium contol value or the method and I was lookinq Into hanqinq myself to but for one hanqinq m thinq I don’t like beinq choke and I’ve been holdinq on to hanqinq myself so I don’t know what a qood rope would be.
Have you ever wanted to confront your father about It?????
I have thought about it but at this point I haven’t a clue where hes at. He was my first dad, my mom has been married 2 times since then but I don’t speak to her anymore.
Before you go I hope that you will take some time to explore the connection between what happened to you as a child and how you are feeling now.
I hope this for you because this awareness could help to move you beyond this depression.
Maybe somewhere inside of you is that little boy, still waiting for someone to listen and care.
You can be one of his caregivers.
Peace.
It sounds to me like you grew up in a household of selfish people; your sexually abusive father and your uncaring (or unwilling to admit the truth) mother. That can really screw up a kid. Blame them. Blame them and then move on and become a better person than them. They shattered your self confidence and self worth. Screw them! Don’t let them win by killing yourself.