…why?

I’ve never complained. Never whined about how horrible it is to wake up, never screamed at the people who call me lazy, when simply existing takes everything I have. Nothing bad has ever happened to me. I can’t cry about not having a mom to love me, bad friends, abuse, rape.. all I can say is that I don’t want to live. Thinking back n my life I never had that drive to live. Never. The one person I dared to talk with about this made me regret it every time. I have never trusted people, never let anyone inside my head. I now have a wonderful friend I could tell anything to, anything at all, and not be worried if its going to come back to bite. That’s great, but I still can’t explain why I think about suicide so often, and I have very few reasons to live. Got talked out of a suicide attempt a few times now. I wonder why I listened. School will be starting soon. I can’t do it. I can’t.. how do I explain to my mother that I miss the bus not because I’m lazy, not because I’m tired ( even though I never sleep anymore. Its 4 am right now.) But because the thought of enduring the day brings me to tears. Whine whine whine. Thatsvall I’m doing right now. Complaining to someone about how much I want to kill myself, all whining. I thought I was stronger. I blocked everyone out for years. Why now?why am I writing this? Why can’t I sleep? Why am I alive? Why? Why? Why?