Once when wanting to die I got ememensely drunk. Left what I couldn’t drink of my pay check on the bar and walked till I found a woods and found a wood pile and buried myself at the bottom. I didn’t want to die in a sudden gory way that was definitive. The worst on the people that knew me is that they would occassionally wonder where in the world I might be. The best is some wild life would have a good feast.
It would have made things easier now if I hadn’t woken up with the solitary need to get warm. I have been catapulted out of hyperthermia a number of times. And as for believing that my essense would be better of all I can truely believe is that it would be different. The trobbing pain would just be elsewhere in the universe.
Its like now. Now is like the past and certain to be my future. I found myself as child lured into someones liar who got me to promise I would not tell the truth of our experience of the pleasure and pain of sexuality. As long as the angish of now is so much like then it will be in the future.
I know there are some times when this now was just a faint shadow behind me . That I had structure enough supports to live in a different world. Some of those world were undenialable different. One time I live in/with a decacycletrain. It was a cycle followed by a tricycle cargo trailer, followed by a tricycle trailer beveaverhut (my living quarters), followed by a wheelchair to keep the beaverhut from flipping over due to street winds. Lived in/with it for 14 weeks.
Was reading some Readers Digest book on how to live well. It stated that the reason for most mental malajustments is when people wanted to live lives out of the reallistic possibility of who they actually are. My father thinks that I should find a job a dishwasher, I moved back to my mothers she wanted me to apply for SSI. Such a confusing thought you would have money to support yourself in whatever public good you would want to do if you could convience the government that you are incapab;e to finding a place in the public market where you could contribute a valuable service and negotiate a reasonable reward.
Well there is the problem my mind when the subject is how can the world be radically different that there could be a job for everyone is with an adequate diet. There are jobs for a full employement society if we could change what it means to be employed our society would be best served if everyone had someone to serve. It is so lopsided with the refinement of the tools of captialism.