*This is just so I can get my feelings and everything thats being said in my head into writing.*
Everything in my life is seemingly perfect. Good family, good grades, good at soccer, seemingly normal life. “Oh, she’s always happy.” “Oh, she’s the one who’s always making everyone laugh.” “She’s the one with the smile that’s always there.”
Everyone could not be more incorrect about me. Sure, I smile. Doesn’t everyone know how to fake a smile, a laugh, anything? I’m the person always comes to for a joke or if they feel like shit, I’m the one they talk to. So, I should be the happy go lucky kid right?
Wrong. I’ve attempted suicide three times last month. I cut almost daily. I’m depressed. I cry myself to sleep.
I’m smart about my cutting; I cut my hips so nobody can see but me. I cant really remember what started my cutting. Maybe it was the rape, maybe it was when my only friend died. Everything goes downhill in my life anyway, why should a little cutting matter? Why should one suicide attempt matter? One small cut turns into twenty, one suicide attempt turns into several. I cant count how many times a scissor blade or a box cutter has met my hips. I cant count how many pills I’ve swallowed, just to numb the world away. I dont know if I actually want to die. I think I want to die in a way that I can still be here, but everyone and everything is just… silenced. Kind of like being in a coma. That would be nice, in a place where I’m inbetween life and death. The calm center.
I dont really know why I’m writing. I guess I need to get this off my shoulders for the time being. Maybe, I want someone to actually listen to me for once, I really am unsure. I just want to know that people will be there for my final cry for help, because I already know that none of the people I know in person will do anything to actually help me if I decide to end it. Sorry. I needed to get this out.
51 comments
Don’t be sorry, this is a palce where people will listen to your story, people who care and underststand how you feel. It’s not nice to hold everything inside, sometimes just talking to someone or even just writing it down like in a diary can relieve a lot of weight. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve suffered sexual abuse and that you lost your friend, have you ever talked to anyone about it? If not it may be those pent up feelings that started your depression.
It sounds like you want to live but your tierd of life, don’t end it yet. So why does everything go down hill?
Much love.
Hello, you didn’t mention if you have sought help for things ?
howard ino: I have seen a therapist, but she quit on me a week into therapy. after that, all I did was talk to friends.
Scar504: The only people I’ve talked to about the rape and my friend were two people that are more family to me than my own family is.
I honestly dont know why everything goes downhill. It’s as if the universe knows I’m starting to be happy and then something has to happen to me that makes me want to die again. I’m not sure I want to live anymore. But I’m not sure I want to die either, if that makes any sense.
What about pursuing other therapists, dont give up on that as an option after only 1…
therapists arent exactly my thing… They always happen to be male and they always make me feel uncomfortable.
Sure, i think most people are like that. What did you do to the universe to make it so angry anways? I’m guessing you’re still in highschool, try life for a little while longer maybe things will change once you get out of your house and away from the past.
<3
Hell if I know what I did to the universe. I guess I pissed it off by being born?
Yeah, Im a sophmore. Somehow I got here.
I believe there was a reason your multiple attempts failed. You spirit is not yet ready to leave your physical body because it knows, or should I say, subconciously you know, that you still have alot to do here, even if you don’t believe in spirits and things of that nature, there is a reason for everything. Be strong, and find out what your life mission is, this will be your key to happiness. Bad things always happen to everyone, whether something major like a death or what you went through, or something minor such as a breakup or their money getting stolen. Just remember to give love to everyone.
I dont believe in love. And the only good thing that happened to me was … oh wait, nothing.
If you don’t let good things happen, then good things will never happen. Love is in all of us, you just have to find it. I’m not talking about lovey dovey kissy kissy crap. I’m talking about the energy of kindness that can brighten anyones day with a simple smile. Love is not Romance, but the respect and hospitality for your fellow man. Continue to be the good friend, and let your friends help you in your time of need. If you give love, you will recieve it, but you must accept it, and when you do, good things will happen.
Good things never happen to me… I wish they did, but honestly, the last time anything “good” happened to me was when I got pain medicine for broken bones.
Then go out, and make good things happen, if they don’t come to you, go to them yourself.
I dont know how to find good things. I honestly dont know how to actually function outside of my house other than pretending to care about what goes on around me.
surely it’s not all bad, is the person who abused you still in contact with you?
If the person who abused me was in contact with me, he would not be alive.
try to find some hobbies are you interested in anything? sports? singing? music? build upon your interests
I play soccer and I paint, but it only works momentarily.
Then replace the pretend, with reality. From what I’ve read you are still very young, and have alot of life to live. Go to the front page of this website, notice something about your post? It has the most comments from people worried about your well being. I would say that that is a pretty good thing.
I suppose..
do your friends play? maybe you could call them up and practice or something or just hang out. i know how you feel im cooped up in my house 24/7
a few of my friends play, but I’d rather be in my room on tumblr or sleeping than outside dealing with people I can’t stand.
thats what tempman means you cant just stay in your room all day of course nothing good will happen. you dont wana end up a failure like me. btw feel free to tell me to shut up and go away anytime if im bothering you
No, it’s nice to talk to someone about this kind of shit. And you dont seem to be a failure. I’d rather nothing good happen to me than go out and do something and have something bad happen to me.
I can’t tell you what to do and what not to do, only you can make that decision, but I can tell you, that only you can decide how you feel. But all I ask for you is to at least try. I can garauntee that you are not the only depressed person in your school, give your love to as many people as you pass in the halls, you may just save a life.
I’ve saved a lot of lives at my school. Nobody’s tried to save mine.
Yeah, i understand what you mean. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just not love anything because then you can never get hurt, but then you never get to experience what makes life worth living. What bad things are you afraid of?
an easier question to answer is what am I not afraid of..
It’s easier for me to not get attatched to anything because everyone ends up leaving in the end.
So then we are nobody? Like I said, everything happens for a reason. You came here for a reason, subconciously or conciously, to be saved. To be heard. For others to know what you are going through because you feel that your friends can’t do the job. Don’t worry, I feel the same way about mine. But I feel that you haven’t given your friends the chance to know what you are feeling. If they listen and they leave your life, then were they friends to begin with? If they listen, and they give you their love, then you know that it’s not so bad.
let me rephrase what I said then. “Nobody so far has tried to save mine.”
I’ve told my friends. I’ve called them, cried out for help and all they’ve done is stand there and then walk away because they dont know how to respond to me.
It’s hard to find friends that understand depression. My best friend is a 17 year old girl that with daddy issues who is too damn happy, I can’t talk to her about anything other than the boys she likes and things of that nature. If I tell her I’m suicidal she will literally giggle then say something like “Aw come on be happy”. It is hard to “just be happy”, that takes work and time. What about the lives you saved? I’m sure they would be more than happy to return the favor.
the people I saved dont even remember or recognize me. I look different than I used to.
My best friend is a stoner and all he does is talk about the sex he has with his girlfriend and all the pot he smokes. If I try to bring it up with him he just says to smoke a joint. No, thank you.
That’s really sad, i guess it must be scary for someone when they’re being asked to help a person in dire need of help, but anyway at least you found your way here. Try not to stop trusting people, there are friends in this world that will stay by your side no matter what. You just have to find them
I have friends that stay by me but when it comes to cutting or suicide they go speechless and dont know what to do about it.
As a smoker of the mary jane myself, I would say, find new friends. As for the people you saved, make them remember. The human mind doesnt completely erase all memories.
I would love to make new friends. However I lack social skills. Im only comfortable talking to strangers on the internet.
Plus, I’ve tried making them remember. They just brush it off and say whatever. I used to be really fat; I’m a lot skinnier now so I look nothing like I did last year.
Yeah, it’s kind of understandable though don’t you think? I mean it’s probably difficult for them since they don’t understand how you’re feeling. Cutting and suicicde are scary topics for most people. It’s nice that you don’t smoke 🙂 well i think so some may dissagree
I dont have a problem with smokers at all, I just dont smoke myself because I have asthma and it would make me sick.
Yeah, suicide and cutting isnt exactly conversation material with most people.
Me neither, just leads to sticky situations, i been in to many incidences with police when my friends were smoking in car. It doesn’t sound like you have bad conversation skills.
I’m good with talking to people I know. But make me try to talk to a complete stranger, I shut down. I get panic attacks.
I was fat too in school, my life revolves around my physical appearance now. But only you can make yourself make new friends. Sometimes you have to put on a mask (not literal) and just walk up to people and start talking, if they are interested in what you’re saying, congrats, you have a new friend, if not oh well, their loss. As I said before, give your love to everyone. A good way to understand this, is to go to a place with many people such as a mall, walk around, and say hello and smile at just about everyone. You may feel awkward at first, but it will be after the first couple of people smiling and waving back that you will begin to feel good about what you’re doing. If no one is helping you, then maybe you should help you. Try meditating, its much more than just becoming relaxed, trying reading up on it, it could help. One more thing, and I know alot of people are going to be against this. Now I know you are young, and you’re against it, but when you feel the time is right, try smoking marijuana at least 3 times in your life. I’m not saying make it a habit, but try it at least 3 times, by yourself, in a relaxed environment, it may make you become “aware” of the good in your life, if you don’t try it, no big deal, that’s your choice.
I’m still fat; or I consider myself to be. People always tell me I’m not, but they don’t see what I do. My physical apperance pisses me off too. I want to break every mirror on this planet. I feel/look disgusting whenever I see my reflection.
I really do have problems with talking to strangers because I either get anxiety or panic attacks.
I also can’t smoke because of my asthma, I will throw up and get bloody noses. I have tried smoking before; it wasn’t pretty.
Just stumbled through this comment and I agree. Sharing weed and alcohol when I’m with my friend (in my case) is the only thing that keeps me sane at this moment…but its all up to one another to find their own drug or..reality to escape to when life becomes shit.
alcohol or vicoden usually help me cope. Mainly its cutting that makes me feel normal. I don’t even try to escape, I try to be able to live with the shit I got put into.
You can work through social anxiety that isn’t something that has to be with you forever, it would probably also help if you felt comfortable in your own skin. i’m going to bed good luck with everything, nice chat.
Thank you for talking to me.
If you think you are still fat, then keep changing. No this does not mean making friends with Anna or Mia (anorexia and bulimia for those who don’t know), but keep working out and watching your diet, it’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it. As for smoking there are different ways to take in this substance, you can eat it and you can find many recipes on how to make delicious edibles online, again it’s still your choice whether you do or not, and as a warning you may become dependant on it to find happiness, try to avoid this if you decide to do it. Keep practicing with talking to strangers, the more you do it, the more comfortable you become, if you dont become more comfortable the more you do it, then try different methods.
My doctor thinks that I’m starting to become anorexic; I dont think I am though.
And by smoking I meant everything: cigs, pot, all that stuff.
thank you though
If he thinks you’re becoming anorexic, just drink more milk. Milk has more calories than you think. Well I don’t have much more advice to give you. In the end, only you can help you. You’re too young to end it now, trust me. If you need someone to talk to I will be on this site every night, that is, if I remember it. If not my skype username is btardskype, I don’t get on it alot, but if you need me I’ll be there. Finally heres a video on meditation, you may find it interesting and helpful. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMZincRddBg
Good luck, have a good day, and a better tomorrow.
haha I posted the wrong link. Silly me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TCmvrvwbRs
thank you