Not too much to say except, I came a long way but never really reached that mountain top. It’s a long way down the hill now and all my dreams lay dead below.
I’ve never really met anyone like me. I feel trapped in my own head. I can be so superficial, really, to be honest. And I am ashamed of it. I don’t know if  there could have ever been any other way for me, but I remember it all started by trying to scape the pain I was feeling. Movies kept me alive in a far away land where beautiful girls were loved for being beautiful and where dreamlike kisses only belonged to them. I so much wanted to be there. My sad and empty teenage heart keep beating only for the promise of tomorrow…
Now time has gone by and I’m only left with bittersweet memories of great stories that could have never been and ashes of impossible fairytales that hunt me. I’m chained to guilt, locked up in the tower of regret and left to the sole company of my own obsessions. Ego tortures me while age slowly consumes me. Mirror, mirror, my long best friend and worst enemy. Say good bye to all those pretty boys now and don’t cry if you don’t have a husband. You chose to live that way, well, this is the price you pay but go on and keep on living.
I prefer to die than to live this way I say, yet I am still here. Yes, days go by and I am still here. Here, here, here!
20 comments
How old are you?
I for one am glad you are still here.
@User425. I am in my 30’s. @Mimito, thank you for the sweet comment.
Oh that’s sad, I kept away from girls because I didn’t think I’d be a very good match for them and they could do better and have someone with less issues then me.
*hugs
great movies aren’t a form of escape but strive to answer life’s greatest questions. Black Swan was quite a masterpiece, interesting that you chose it for your username. 🙂
I think 30s are the new 20s. You’re still a baby. Many of my friends’ parents are 50-60 and they are all divorcing and remarrying. If you want a partner that definitely achievable at your age. Thanks for the wonderfully honest post by the way. Honesty is a great virtue
hi Black swan i’ve allways felt the same about how movies take you away from pain there still my only escape and now this place,I’m 18 and is there anything you wish you’ve done defrently ?
Black Swan, a hug from me as well.
It’s not too late to find someone. Why is external beauty so important? Maybe it would be easier to find someone you connect with if you stopped caring about that. Sorry if that’s insulting.
It’s not too late to find someone. Why is external beauty so important? Maybe it would be easier to find someone you connect with if you stopped caring about that. Sorry if that’s insulting.
ive always loved movies for their stories, but many times the romances just aren’t like real life, no matter how much we want perfect love
@User425, I also have too many issues to deal with but I still kept on getting into relationships with men hoping for a miracle. Unfortunately in the end it always turned out to be a tragedy.
@Sonic. I my case movies transported me to a different reality. Unfortunately as you say, they also answered some of my moral questions. I learned that life was full of empty values and that the world was a place where only the rich, beautiful and famous were wanted. I chose the name Black Swan because just like the main character of the movie I also suffer from psychosis when I am manic. I am also a competitive perfectionist that drives herself crazy. And I am a dancer too. Just unfortunately a different type of “dancer” :(.
@one_day, thank you for the encouraging words. It’s no difficult for me to meet guys but as soon as the discover the complicated nature of my conflicted personality they walk away. I’ve been reading your comments on this site and I must say that you seem to be a very insightful and kind person.
@Fancesco, thank you. A hug back to you.
@Scar, you’re right and you’re not insulting. It started by admiring and wanting to be like the people advertised on the big screen and turn into my life’s biggest obsession. I worked so hard at it that I forgot about growing more as a person. I didn’t go to school nor developed any skills that would have given me more opportunities and confidence at this age.
Thanks for your kind words. And yeah a lot of guys don’t have patiences for a complex personality but others realise the worth of it. I’m guessing by the kind of ‘dancer’ you are, maybe you are not in the best environment for meeting guys who look beyond the surface? Seems lately all my friends are Internet dating, and there’s a huge variety of people to meet If that’s what you’re looking for.
Yes it’s the definitively the worst place to meet someone. But I am trapped there because of all the poor decisions I made and it’s either that or waitressing at this point. I am too “proud” to do that and I would make a lot less money. I sound horrible I know.
I’d like to meet someone outside that environment but whenever I do I have to lie about my job. In time I end up looking suspicious and strange to them and I push them away cause I feel like once they find out they will look down on me, feel betrayed and walk away.
Why would you need to lie about your job, that’s not important
Unless you work in the sex industry then I can see how that might cause a problem. You get a lot of those on Internet chat sites.
You don’t sound horrible… I’ve waitresses before and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I have a friend who does what I think you do, and she makes it work by keeping very strict seperation of personal and proffessional life. She’s not ashamed of whatshe does, but at the same time only talks about it to those she trust because some people are judgemental as fuck.
I think it’s natural you would see the worst side of men in that environment. Remember, it’s the exception not the norm. Plenty of decent guy out there.
@one_day, does your friend have a boyfriend? To have a boyfriend is really hard. I wouldn’t want to have a boyfriend that it’s ok with me “dancing” but then there are very few that could support me if I didn’t. I am going to sleep. Thanks for your advise. You are very sweet.
@Duke, I wouldn’t call it the sex industry cause it’s mostly teasing. It can escalate at times but never way too much. Perhaps I am just not too comfortable with the term. Didn’t know there were a lot “us” in chat sites. I guess it’s a lonely life you end up living.
I understand. I think it creates a psychological barrier. Equally, people that go into it are already detached and it’s not just about the environment they find themselves in
She is currently engaged but I think they only met after she stopped dancing as a main gig… I think she now dabbles every now and then when she wants to save money quick. But in general she works as a freelance hair extentionist now. Her bf is probably ok with it since its very rarely she does it now… But I do think there are guys open minded enough to learn to accept it. Helps if they get to know you outside that environment first! Also know a girl who’s a porn star (soft porn, no penetration) won’t say her name here but quite famous in France. She got married a while ago. The guy is really nice. He doesnt seem bothered by what she does (which is kinda soft sex shows, without a partner) she’s not cheating or anything So I don’t think any guy has a right to complain…