Taken from Robert Crumb’s Plunge Into The Depths Of Despair (1983)
And if anyone wants these comic strips in a PDF form:
Today I came across a post of a someone who said he’s changed, he’s unhappy and says that he has to wear his old happy mask in front of others..
And I’ve come to the conclusion that, maybe accepting the new mask and wearing it, as different and somber as it may be; forming a new life (which is a collection of ideas and actions) around the new mask is key to rebuilding one’s life – as opposed to living a lie with the old mask, the wrong mask.
How can anyone live comfortably or truthfully with a mask that no longer fits them? That’s like wearing a pair of shoes that’s too small, it hurts and you can’t walk anywhere in them.
Just like this feeling stagnant feeling of living a dead life, unable to move in any direction.
Perhaps it’s time to accept the new changes and stop fighting it.
Somehow our faces are important in this realm of existence. Our faces are the masks of our consciousness, where exactly that point is no one knows. It could be any where and every where in the matrix.
I believe our ego has a chokehold around our potential expanded consciousness that is the key to freeing our minds and ironically the death of our minds.
Ego is where fear lives, I have got to overcome this thing, this evil thing that is implanted in me. How can I find the answer to the riddle?
I think I found it one day for a brief moment in time when I believe to experienced an Ego death that allowed my senses feel no boundaries. This Oneness, am I supposed to hold onto that feeling forever? What if i was just hallucinating?
Is the secret to life energy, all this pain is for nothing, unless it’s meant to raise our consciousness to a higher level of understanding, so when we die we get to proceed to a higher plane of existence?
God, I never want to come back here. Is this information true? Is it not enough to help me live happier because I can’t get over the feeling of being unworthy of anything good? Am I too stupid to live with that knowledge, or maybe I think I am, maybe Ego tells me I am too weak.
Maybe my war isn’t with God it’s with Ego, and not just my Ego but the whole world’s collective Ego. “The Evil ONE”
What is this life? Who are we? Questions I keep asking myself and everyone I know, and no one has the answers.
Thank you to the creators of this site, I just had to get it out of me, my suicidal thoughts, my mind falling into the black abyss, I needed to write about it, read about it, connect with others. Thank you so much, I feel so much better. I’m going to put down the mental gun and figure out how to beat this Ego problem before I waste the rest of my life away.
(I) IS THE EGO MAKER the false self (i am just is) to write what 1 thinks dont matter anymore bcuz 1 knows it is in the being the silence of nothing that i find myself as free immortal love primordial energy although i have chosen to loose myself and be a trolling bstad to survive i get angry and frustrated from that bliss i used to be my heart broke this is what causes me to want to suicide and i am very capable as i have done it b4 and was saved i live for other 1s there attachment and love to me but secretly i wish to disappear i know to much and even my writing is contradictory to what i know maybe this is a successful suicide story the end feels near my broken <3 wants to go home and thats a good thing but not for all the friends and family that have attached me i feel trapped by there energy i wish to be free!~
don’t read this
just wanted to say thattttt, well, not even feeling suicidal now, because I’m drunk, buttttt I understand how about 90% of you feel (after reading the posts as a non-member for a while) annnd i think this site is amazing. because when i was feeling these thoughts i was a lot younger (not that I don’t feel them now) but let’s face it when you’re younger you almost have to depend on your parents and it only worsens that feeling of helplessness when you can’t drive/escape because you rely on your parents’ money/support, etc. and when I was younger I didn’t have a computer much less know about sites like this where people could actually comment and vent together…. it was just me.
anyway alsoo i’m pretty sure my hopelessness is just a part of me now call it depression or whatever you will but that feeling you get when you know there’s no reason for anything and you’re not even happy so what’s the point in living righttttt well yeah that will always be there but guess what life is all there is so unless you believe in some fucking heaven (and if you do im pretty sure suicide aint gonna get you there) then you might as well just face facts. and yes i have been there where i have felt like even nothing absolute nothing would be better than this pain but at the same time i mean dont any of you just go outside and fucking sit in the grass under the sun maybe witness something ridiculous in nature and just think holy shit life is so much more than just me and all the shit i am dealing with. true sometimes the ego is so big of course we can’t see past it but all i can say is, try… and if it’s not working, try harder… and if that doesn’t work either… when you think you’ve tried your very best and you still can’t deal…. well listen to Tool and be “Patient” .
to that one person i know will never read this: i love you………… andd i honestly just hope with all my heart that you are happy because well to quote a song “the fact that I can’t be what you need, is cutting off my air supply” haha… and if i just knew somehow that you were happy anyway maybe i could get over you and move on. but that probably will never happen.
Hi people, been like this for as long as i can remember, most of my problems are from me being lazy, i mean apparently a doctor says iâ€™ve got depression too but truthfully i just think its my own stupid fault. Iâ€™m a big, lazy fat, 20 year old who spends his days indoors doing nothing, I see you great, amazing people and i wonder am i allowed to complain, you people are having to live through the real problems and i donâ€™t feel like i should be allowed to complain. Iâ€™ve wanted to kill my self for such a long time now, though Iâ€™m too cowardly to do it though, plus for me (not that Iâ€™m judging anyone) but for me i couldnâ€™t do it to the people that love me (i know i have an ego) because they say it would hurt.
I dunno what the answer is, i try to think off life in as positive way as possible and it just keeps on coming up with shadows. i did have a life once, then i threw it all away, now Iâ€™m too lazy to get it back, if i never existed that would be the perfect option, then no-one gets hurt. i used to be a decent drummer, i threw it away the one true calling i had in life. my uncle very thankfully has offered to pay to get me some help but the thing is i donâ€™t want any money or material goods, i just wanna be a good person and help people, is that too much to ask?
so as you can see thereâ€™s no real problem, so should i even be allowed to do this?
thank you for reading 🙂
Most of the time, I don’t need people. They’re irrelevant. I can manage ok without them, better in fact as I find people tiring. I have to smile and laugh and pretend everything is fine. It’s so much easier by myself. I can relax and be myself – even if that means crying in a corner. At least I have that freedom when I’m alone. But every so often I find myself reaching out. Trying to find someone to listen to me, to accept me – to like me. I want acceptance and to be admired. I want people to be surprised by my intellect – to find me witty and insightful – all the things we would like to be. I know I’m not. I’m average – always have been. I suppose it’s natural to feel disappointed when I’m less than brilliant. I know I need to learn to accept me as being unexceptional but there are times when I have trouble. I want to be more than I am. Which is stupid, I know.
I want people to like me. But I’m not a naturally likeable person. I have no charm or charisma. I’ve never been able to make friends. In my life I’ve interacted with people, but they soon drift away. Nobody stays and even when they’re around there’s no closeness – no camaraderie. At some point I usually find out that the people I thought were friends had parties or get togethers with the others but not me. I was always left out. So now I reach out on place like this. Leaving comments and occassional posts venting my spleen at the world because there’s no-one who I feel that I can talk to in real life. And then I get upset and feel even MORE alone when I don’t get the vast numbers of comments that my stupid narcarcistic ego seems to crave even though I KNOW it’s stupid.
Why can’t I just be happy on my own?
Why can’t I just accept that I will never have the adulation that I seem to want (which is reasonable since I’ve done nothing to deserve any)?
Why do I insist on reaching out when I know that it will only make me feel worse?
Don’t worry. I don’t expect any answers. I’m just being stupid as usual.
But really I don’t!I wish I did, and people tell me they are, and it seems that people want to talk to me, but I am alone. See I wanted to tell you, I have no friends! I live my life, and I know people, and those people talk to me, But they don’t care.What they care about is their ego, or their agenda. They don’t care about me or my problems.
There is this one girl. Who I like very much, and who I can sometimes confide in.
But I am that guy. That guy who is her friend. She doesn’t want to confide in me.
But I like her. A lot. Wait that is an understatement, I love her. What I am trying to say is that no matter what happens I feel alone, and I am suicidal because I feel alone
Does everyone else FEEL? Because even when the pain is so real, I feel so different. As if no one could compare themselves to me. I just want to know what is wrong with me. I wish that there was someone out there who would want to be with me. If that is so wrong then strike me dead (see what I did there).
Does anyone else every wonder why they feel isolated? Right now writing on this website is the most connected to any human being that I have ever felt. Talking to some one who seems like they are listening. Talking to someone who has no judgements. See sometimes I would commit suicide, but any route available to me seems to be painful.
The list goes on and on.
My complaints go on and on.
My life goes on and on.
I don’t want to go on.
I want to give up so badly. When I do give up it wonâ€™t be sudden or unexpected. It will be slow. Slow and not so brutal. I canâ€™t live with the notion that my father never gave a fuck and lives multiple lives to satisfy his ego. I can live with the fact that someone is always there for me. I canâ€™t live with the fact that Iâ€™m such an ungrateful, self-centered ***** that canâ€™t see beyond her own pain and suffering. I probably do deserve this. Then again maybe this whole thing called life never gave me a fair chance. I could argue in my mind all day about this.
Lyrics to song I pretty much jus stayedÂ up all night writing..
i am unable to control my anger towards my husband. Â i love him so much….. but things are sooo worse that i have to give explanations for every small reason………. i dont want to hurt him but my mouth is not in my control….. not at all………….
what makes me to control my anger?
i love my husband but i cant agry for every thing he asks………….. does that mean- i dont love my hus as much as i love myself? or is it just my ego which is making a far distance between us?
pls help me!
The biggest piece of bullshit I have ever heard, is when someone tries to comfort me. I know that sounds weird, but maybe oddly true. Only one person on the world has ever been able to make me feel not alone, but she doesn’t know I am in love with her. But that is besides the point. Everyone else, when they comfort me, seems to have ulterior motives. Maybe they feel obligated. Maybe they are trying to stroke their own ego. Maybe …….
The point being is that They have their own ulterior motive, They don’t really care about me, or you. Though why should They? I am the biggest ***** to breathe air! Let me explain why.
Ever think about committing suicide (obviously you have) and wanted to do so badly, yet you cannot bring yourself to do it? Ever try to make yourself cut yourself, but you can’t. That little voice in your brain is saying “aren’t you truing to avoid pain? Why cause more to yourself. What if you fail, or someone notices your cuts?”Â Then after the moment passes I sit there and curse myself because I want to end my life so much. Why? Can’t? I? Bring? Myself? To? Do? It?Â
A lot of you out there are 1. Either saying “Who is this kid” or 2. “I couldn’t agree more”. Â I wish so desperately I could end it. By myself, not like anyone would notice. I am alone, what does you or the next person care about this post? Or about the life behind the scenes? Some would look at my life and laugh. I seem to have it so good, a good school………. and wait I ran out of things to say I am thankful for.
Emotional abuse? Fear of myself, what I can do? Stressed to the edge of my existence? Yes all these things happen to me, I want to sit down and cry, but what is the point of crying if no one is there to comfort me? Someone to promise me that things will be alright, Â and promise that they will be there for me?
In the end all I want is the end.
Two Final Notes
1. I do not want any bullshit reasons on why not to commit suicide (ex: It’s selfish, or religious reasons)
2. If you feel the need to talk to me, message me and we can talk.
Not too much to say except, I came a long way but never really reached that mountain top. It’s a long way down the hill now and all my dreams lay dead below.
I’ve never really met anyone like me. I feel trapped in my own head. I can be so superficial, really, to be honest. And I am ashamed of it. I don’t know if Â there could have ever been any other way for me, but I remember it all started by trying to scape the pain I was feeling. Movies kept me alive in a far away land where beautiful girls were loved for being beautiful and where dreamlike kisses only belonged to them. I so much wanted to be there. My sad and empty teenage heart keep beating only for the promise of tomorrow…
Now time has gone by and I’m only left with bittersweet memories of great stories that could have never been and ashes of impossible fairytales that hunt me. I’m chained to guilt, locked up in the tower of regret and left to the sole company of my own obsessions. Ego tortures me while age slowly consumes me. Mirror, mirror, my long best friend and worst enemy. Say good bye to all those pretty boys now and don’t cry if you don’t have a husband. You chose to live that way, well, this is the price you pay but go on and keep on living.
I prefer to die than to live this way I say, yet I am still here. Yes, days go by and I am still here. Here, here, here!
i can create a beautiful life in my imagination. i am able to share my imagination with people. however, i can’t live the beautiful life which my inspired imagination painted for me. my ideals that ostensibly obstruct my connection with humanity are strangling me now. i am a man who lives in a constant fear state. i live out my life in other worlds that are not real since i cannot live in this one. it’s not that i want to die so much as it is that i can’t live. i will always be half of a great man. never a great man. a man who can speak the beautiful truth that he interprets in symbols, but never will i be a man who lives the beautiful truth. innocence provides my ego with the fuel that it needs to keep itself detached from my brothers and sisters. i can’t feel anything at all anymore, nor do i want to. there is no point to my existence at all. i do nothing for myself or the world around me, i’m already dead
There are a few background things you might want to know. Firstly, I’m a clinical psychopath. This doesn’t make me a killer or a psycho, although it is generally a daily struggle to keep from being either. To me, the world is black and white; there exists, for me at least, no shades of gray. My parents have known about my condition and have actually by and large done an excellent job of raising me. I come from a privileged family and have had everything I have needed provided for me, within reason. I’ve worked to secure that which would not be provided, namely the most extraneous of luxuries. If I use the word feel, its more of an intellectual thing than an emotional thing. It helps to have the same vocabulary as people who do actually feel, as it helps to fit in.
I’ve never cared for anyone in life. My parents provided what they need to, and I have used their provisions as best I could. I’m highly intelligent, highly confident and have a huge ego, but I have always tried to temper it as best I could. My grades in college are exemplary, and my social life is about as good as one can ask for. I have a healthy sex life with many partners, but never at the same time, I see no reason to hurt other peoples feelings. I wish I had them myself. It is the thing in life I covet the most, every second of every day as long as I can remember.
I’m often accused of being cold and unfeeling, almost robotic, and that’s just how I am, how I was born.
Now, the issue. For some reason unbeknownst to god or man, I have somehow managed to feel something for someone. Someone I actually care for, someone I would actually perform a selfless act for. And for me, that’s so massively monumental and unlike me. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend even though she admits she likes me, and she knows I like her. That’s not the issue though. Because for the first time I think I’m actually in love. And it hurts, it hurts so badly.
I’m a complete stranger to emotion, I have absolutely no clue how to handle it. On the one hand, I have this terrible emptiness and yearning for emotion, and on the other having it scares the crap out of me. Â It is, quite literally, tearing me apart, and I’m willing to do anything to make it stop. But I’d giving everything to have it continue.
I’m just so terribly alone and scared and afraid and confused and I want it to stop. I no longer see the value in staying alive.
Had a rough few days. I’m so drained, and still have things to take care of. Crying every now and then. Music by my side, stuffed animal by my side. I do not hunger and I do not thirst. I just sit here like a brick as I keep moving forward. I read a an old posted link and It made me realize I am not as good as I thought. While other want to fight but don’t know how I’d just like to get away from everything. Away far away. I don’t know where that is. But it’s what I want. And just like everything I don’t and probably won’t get it. Creating hope just enough to do chores, and force my self to sip or snack. If I lived on my own I’d be dead already. Staring blankly at a wall with music going in the background. dying with my eyes open in the dream world.
My past is haunting me vigourously lately. I’m fighting in maladaptively as a waking dream. The bullies I wish I were physically strong enough to over power, the girl I could have persued a little harder. Or the day I could have jumped out of the school window. THe people who teased me I wish I could just break their jaw, but I already know I’d be no better than they. The days my dad tried to hit me out of some strange rage. The times I wish I could have ran away from home, but knew I had no family who was on good terms with my folks to go to. All the bridges I burned because we change. We change so much it’s too awkward to converse.
Fear? Yes fear is all I’ve known and I’ve known “bravado” and I’ve done a little courage once or twice. 23 yrs old. A long and painful life ahead of me. I try to stay thankful in small ways each day. Ego? yea I have one. I’ve never had a positive one for as long as I can remember. That was broken. I’m weak and really always have been. Obviously you have to be or else nothing would get to you easily. The tinyiest thing can bring out the greatest frustration.
I want to go back to cutting. Something I gave up years ago because i didn’t have the correct tools. I still don’t. And the decorative knife I bought years ago cant even slice bread.
I want to thank my parents for the negative words they gave me when I was younger and the few positives they gave me that made me think “Yea it’s all my fault they’re normal” And now being in their 60s and not remembering a got damn thing wrong they did to me and say I’m making it up or they don’t remember, yet here I am cleaning up a grown man’s messes and accidents. Here I am doing the very damn best i can to make this house look nice inside and out because they are no longer able. Just like they wanted me to when they adopted me. I remember the out louds you spoke when the news came on and a child helped their ailing elder. “Oh isn’t she or he an angel. I WISH SHE WAS LIKE THAT.”
I want to thank the bullies.
First the middle school girls who you to poke fun at my burned hand, and the ones who loved to pull on my long hair. The ones who thought i was so weird because I was masculine by spiritual nature and didn’t like sitting and gossiping or doing my hair and make up. That I thought they were attractive but I was some type of monster.
Second the middle school boys who were so “religious and pure” God don’t like ugly, you twisted hand freak, Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. You ugly face monkey. You smell. You can’t play with us this is a man’s game.
Third the high school boys who punched me, pushed me, teased me, taunted me and one who nearly tried to rape me. To the one who broke my finger, and back stabbed me. To the other high and mighty God don’t like ugly taunters. To the one who bothered me at the crack of dawn during the last year of high school. With his innocent eyes to the teacher who petted him as he teased me and another in the class. My germs, and the what happened to your hand question, You eat ****? Why you like girls when guys have what you need most. To that same guy who put me on the spot at every fucking chance he got.
Fourth to the high school girls who sat in the groups and gossiped out loud, to the ones who looked at me like some type of disease, the ones who said I like dick every time they saw me. To the one who reported me to the principal because I wrote her a love letter and hadn’t realize she wasn’t like me. To the girls who also back stabbed and double crossed me. The ones who actted one way and felt another.
Fifth to the queer crowd. The people I thought I would be accepted in. The few in the group I thought i could relate to were the very ones who treated me like the rest. To the ones who played the back and fourth game between guys and girls. And yes I apologize to anyone reading this who’s bisexual I’ve had a very hard time with people like this. The ones atleast who changes mates like they change their britches.
I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the one girl I should have pursued harder but backed down because her friend wanted you to herself. I’m sorry because I thought you hated me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the one you fought for. I’m sorry that I’m now back on facebook to come back and live my life like before behind closed doors and you just happen to still be a member. You were intelligent, beautiful and shyer than most in your group knew. You were sweet as pie, but you have your own life now. You have your own goals and routes and friends. You even still have her. and I’m thankful that I didn’t go with you. I realize 7 years down the line, that if I became who I am today. God you would have been so hurt. And you don’t deserve that. I don’t want to break anyone’s heart. Never want to. But I’m sure I did.
I probably will leave. But I have a year or two worth of planning to do. I need to be in an isolated place covered in lush grass and flowers. With a beautiful cabin for two. Not to far and not too close to a body of water I can filter and drink. When I reach a place like this I’ll make my bed. I’ll polish my gun and I’ll lie in my bed and sleep. But I’ve got so long to go. And if I still don’t do it? Well I’ll have my dream done and I’ll kill myself slowly by plowing the fields, planting the seeds, and fixing what needs to be fixed as my already declining body starts to break down even more. Even if I had that one as my wife she wouldn’t want to live on a farm. Muddy, or dry, or too hot, and frostbitten. Flooded or too stormy. Too buggy, to dangerous or to humid. I don’t know women in this type of life who’d want to live like that. So I go it alone. I don’t want it too take too long.
I still have so much to release and the maladaptive nightmares just don’t help at all. I need to go back to fighting the air. Lots to do
the coward’s way out, then I’d rather be a smart coward than brave and delusional
ever since I’ve stopped going to college (sept. 2011), I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do next, what path to follow .. in vain
but the truth is: a future where I’m glad I’m still alive, where I’ve found a purpose is a self-inflicted lie .. my ego+personality knows that when I die, it will be the end of it and it can’t stand the idea of its own death .. so it would rather fool me into believing there’s still something to gain from, something to accomplish while being here (wait and you will see)
I’m tired of reflecting on how I got to this level of disgust for and disinterest in life as a human .. tired of trying to find my place in this world when I’ve realised I don’t belong .. tired of learning through negative experiences, of looking for answers (some goddamn truth for a change) and of living to enjoy music, sometimes food and occasional sex .. seriously, what’s the point of being involved in a place where suffering is the rule ? if you’re a sado-masochist, this place must be heaven to you
whoever is behind this world must be an evil bastard
I have pushed so many people away from my life… I’m so sick of being fake around people… if I’m genuinely not happy with myself I don’t want to be around others nor do I want to bring them down… I just want to be left alone to deal with my own emotion and problems.
Being Adhd and Autistic isn’t easy for me, during my teens I’ve done a lot of drugs as an outlet to help me express myself since so much I felt I was suppressed through society, school, parents…Â even though now I don’t smoke or pop pills anymore I just don’t feel right with myself especially after the time when I got out from the U.S Military that’s when I first was diagnosed and learned about my ADHD and Autistic mental disorder problem. My mind isn’t how it used to be, it used to be a lot sharper and on point and I would pick up things so much easier… but now its like I’m off key and I’ve been out of tune with myself for more than 10years and now I’m 28years old… this isn’t the way to live in this world how can I live life to the fullest when I’m out of tune with myself? I feel confused and frustrated, I don’t do much anymore but stay at home I’m usually by myself on the internet whether I’m playing online video games or watching porn masturbating… I see life being somewhat pointless at times, everyone comparing one another according to what they do or have or how much they make, what they accomplish, achieve, what career, goal, relationship they’re in… if this is what a human being is measured by then its just fake… its all a mask a persona an ego… when you take off the mask/ego what do you have? just the Being or Spirit.
â€œEnergy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.â€
â€• Albert Einstein
Just a few hours ago I tried to commit suicide lets just say it was by using and inhaling certain cartridges that’s supposed to bring a painless death. Didn’t exactly work out as easy as some of the reviews I read online… when I was on my 20-30th cartridges I started puking because it made my stomach feel so unpleasant due to the smell of the cartridges… I was high as fk don’t get me wrong but I wasn’t dead, I was just high and puking all over myself while laying on my bed… it’s supposed to be an easy and painless death and yet I can’t end myself… I’m not sure if I can even end myself through this method I don’t even believe this is a pleasant way to go.
I guess for now I’ll just keep on living since I failed in killing myself today maybe it’s the Universe way of telling me that its not my time yet… hopefully things will get better.
a struggle with growing apathy .. to have little concern for too many things .. to live life in autopilot mode, doing things because youâ€™re used or expected to and rarely because you desire to .. your soul is disconnected from this 3D reality, you have a wandering mind and your body is what keeps you trapped in a world you donâ€™t want to be a part of
Iâ€™ve been living this way for 4+ years and Iâ€™m truly fed up with being half a zombie half a robot .. Iâ€™ve done a lot of introspection to find out Iâ€™m only interested in two things: total freedom and truth .. in my opinion, those can only be experienced when youâ€™re out of this world
my one and last goal will be to leave somewhere before February 2013 .. until then, Iâ€™ll be doing my best to erase whatâ€™s left of my ego, because ego cannot digest the idea of its own death and would trick me into staying here
I donâ€™t hate life itself nor this planet .. I believe life on here could be a more stimulating experience if I wasn’t part of the human species .. I’ve grown to dislike life as a human being, the main reason being the lack of ‘humanity’ .. humans are the virus of this planet and I know I’ll only find peace when Iâ€™m no longer part of the problem (excuse the misanthropic tone)
even if the behavior of us ‘modern’ men could all be explained by science, Iâ€™d have to ask this: have you heard of animals killing other animals if they arenâ€™t hungry nor aware of some direct/indirect threat ? (Iâ€™m not an expert on the question, I’d really like to know)
I was watching some vids on snakes the other day and learned a python and green mamba wonâ€™t kill their usual prey if they arenâ€™t hunting. Iâ€™m tempted to believe those predators have more respect for life than the average human
anyway … 2013 baby !
am I supposed to keep going:
– when it feels like my drive to desire is broken (desire being the root of action) ?
– when my ego’s been getting weaker for theÂ past 5+ years ?
– when my mind cannot generate meaningful goals etc like it used to ?
I wanted to become a psychologist when I started going to college (sept. 06) .. it was my only and meaningful goal, my door into the future
I got to experience mental abuse & other bad things in an environment I started to hate .. unfortunately, I had no other realistic option than to go to class (and enjoy the abuse)
at the same time, I was losing interest in stuff life has to offer, I found myself detaching more and more
during summer 2011, I made the decision to drop out to save the little part of sanity I had left
(I have a BA degree and I doubt I’ll ever make use of it .. that degree has more of a symbolic value: I wasn’t bullied for nothing)
now I’m at my mom’s house, unable to envision any sort of future since I have no goals, little ambition (thanks to my dying ego)
nothing I can give some importance to and internalize, no foundation to push myself back into real life
I feel like a lemon that were squeezed out of life force/juice
I’m notÂ depressed and suicidal like I was during the colder days .. the never-leaving hellish fog has left and I’m thank-to-the-fuckin-ful for that
I’m just tired ofÂ apathy and being disconnected from people in RL, and tired of waiting for my purpose to reveal itself (if there is one)
Sometimes, when I answer you I ask a question of you;
If you really had a choice, how would you choose?
If you had a magic wand to fix your life,
How would you wave it?
If you had a switch, that you could throw, that would end your suffering without killing you, would you throw it?
More important than discussing the possibility of such magics, is discussing your will to use them.
What good is a true solution if you won’t use it?
And is there such a switch?
Does such a choice exist?
Can you have such power over your own life?
Yes there is such a switch.
You can actually turn off your suffering, and continue living in peace.
Do you remember the Matrix? The movie? The two pills? The rabbit hole?
Itâ€™s a little like that, but much more subtle and of course no robots.
I did not invent or discover the switch, itâ€™s purpose is centuries old.
In fact I speak of it here often, but few of you ever noticeâ€¦
Take no heed for the morrow,
For the morrow never comesâ€¦
Two Barriers stand in your way to throwing the switch,
one is your time-mind and the others is your ego-Atachment.
When you learn to control these two aspects of your life, you will learn to be free of suffering, you will walk in this world, but as never before, colors will be brighter, time will move slower, all people will appear as their true selves, beautiful. You can become as love itself, free from its opposite, not just in love, but made of love.
Your use of drugs and alcohol to subjagate your depression makes sense as it alters your perceptions. You dull your connection to your own past and future and to your own thoughts.
But drugs and alcohol can often make depression worse in the long run.
Better to alter your perceptions by stepping out of the world of painful illusion, into the truth of light.
I encourage you to read every post I have left here.
All are my gift to you.
Two posts focus on the Switch, they are called;
I am the Guardian.
My time here is brief.
Before I leave I will leave a map called;
the Circle Path
And I will answer as many questions as I can regarding the possibility
that you all have beautiful, full, lives ahead of you.
But for you, now, I will shed some light on the Switch:
Your thoughts are not you, you are not your mind.
You are more real and more alive when you are not thinking.
Your whole existance takes place in a tiny slice of time called now.
You can only be free of suffering if you live here, in the now.
The past is just your memories playing in your head, in the now.
The future is just your worries playing in your head, in the now.
Live right now, turn off your Atachment to past and future.
The thoughts in your head become an ego, your ego pretends to be you.
You are a being, already perfect, you are not your ego or itâ€™s thoughts.
Because you have an ego which is your thoughts pretending to be you, you attach to people and things.
Whenever you attach, you also take on the pain of losing what you are attached to, this is why depressed people cannot find salvation by finding a lover.
You will not find an end to suffering by attaching to that perfect guy or girl, if you need a helpful friend to guide you through your healing you must find a Mentor.
You must learn to only be attached to this moment, to the now, learn to reduce your attachments to the past, the future, to lovers, people and things.
You learn this non Atachment through the process of acceptance.
Learn to accept your situation, it will not make your situation worse, but it will make you better.
You cannot have a problem in the now, in this moment.
Learn to accept only what is now, all else is false and is simply the thoughts in your head.
Remember the other people who tease and bully you? The pain they cause is actually your ego attaching itself to them in a negative way.
The lover who jilted you? That was her ego, in pain, hurting you both.
As you learn to live unattached, you will learn to experience the real love that had no opposite, no painful end. You will fill with this love and become much more attractive to the whole world around you as you fulfill you destiny upholding the light that illuminates the universe.
This is not magic.
This is not science.
This is not religion.
This is enlightenment.
Om shanti (I am a peaceful soul)
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