I can’t afford to live

Right now I have slightly over $100,000 in student loans, $25,000 in credit card debt, and $2,400 in hospital bills. I make around $1500 a month on average (I freelance), which is not even enough to pay all of my bills, let alone save any money. I graduated college 6 years ago. I now have no hope of my situation ever improving. I am doomed to a life of worrying how I will come up with enough money to pay my bills each month. Thanks to legislation signed into law by George W. Bush in 2005, student loans are the one type of debt not dischargable through bankruptcy.

I’ve been trying to see a therapist, but I can’t even afford the local poor people’s psychiatric clinic. they charge based on your income, but don’t take into consideration what your bills are, and they want another $150/month to see me that I don’t have, so I can’t get professional help for my depression.

I hurt my foot months ago and every step I take hurts but I can’t afford insurance or a doctor. I’m sure more illnesses and injuries will be in my future (not being a hypochondriac, that’s just something that happens, it’s a fact of life) ad I see no way I could afford any other medical problems down the line.

I live in an area between rural and suburban, and as such a car is necessary just to do any day to day tasks. we don’t have much in the way of  public transportation.  My car is 15 years old and is on its last legs. once every 30-60 days or so something breaks and i have to put more on my credit cards to keep it running.

On top of all of this, I am a transsexual. From my earliest memories, I’ve always felt I should have been born female. This has caused me immense pain throughout my life. I have been trying to deal with that pain by changing my body to match my mind. but, again, this is expensive. I don’t have insurance, but even if I did, most insurance companies won’t pay for anything involving changing gender. between hormones, doctor visits, electrolysis, facial surgery, genital surgery, etc, this process costs tens of thousands of dollars.

I have a few friends and relatives that would miss me, but honestly I think most people in my life would be better off without me. I’m a miserable person to be around, and all I do is drag everyone else down. No one likes being around people like me. I haven’t enjoyed life in a long time. I don’t remember what it’s like to really “have fun”. I still watch movies, go hiking, do things that I used to really enjoy, but it’s been years since I really felt any enjoyment from anything.

This is not pessimism, just simple realism: unless I win the lottery I will never be able to afford my debt, let alone the medical procedures I feel are necessary for me to be able to enjoy life.

look at my life like a mortgage. I am WAY under water. My life is not worth nearly what I still owe for it. the logical thing to do is just to cut your losses and walk away. I really see no reason to continue on.