I was only 6 years old when I was told I was to fat and my grandparents bribed me with $100 to lose 20 pounds… I did but little id I know this was just the beginning to my eating disorder…. Threw out schooling all the kids forced me to go on diets so I would look how they wanted and be like them so they did’t haft to been seen with ugly old me… After a while my parents joined into the torment… for as long as I can remeber I binged my problems away.. around grade 4 I started starving myself to be skinny…. Everyday I’d throw away my lunch and hide my dinner… I’d go days without eating…. I still starve to this day. After I got to grade 6 starving and binging we not helping anymore… I exparemented with cutting.. I liked it! So I added that to my list of addictions! It was the end of grade 7 when I decided I had had enough of thoes assholes and switched schools for grade 8! It started off awesome! I loved it! people LIKED me for what I looked like and I even got a boyfriend for a couple weeks. all of a sudfden my best friend from my old school was being bullied so much to the point where her arms were so cut you could berly see her skin… I began to cut again.. we had a plan to attempt suicide together… her mom took all her electronics away for an unknown resin and she went ahed without me… luckaly her parents caught her in time and took her to the hospital where they fixed her all up! I had hoped… I was so happy she was okay she slowly fell back down hill and we were both into drugs now.. he mother ended up kicking her out so she stayed at another friends house and I spent all my time worring about her and started failing in school. she ended up getting shipped off to her dads house in manatoba… we lost conection.. this was around grade 9. I was still suicidal and cutting and smoking a lot…. I also started drinking.. one night I was sleeping over at a friends house and her brother offred to get us drunk. Life teenagers we said YES! so we went and got drunk.. after my friend passed out he asked to see me by the washroom… that is where he raped me twice… I was so drunk I wasn’t able to move my body but I was awair of everything going on… It was HORRIBLE! I ended up cutting all the way up my arms after that.. my parents found out but we never pressed charges as I didn’t want people to know… little did I know it was already all over school and people though I was a whore! so I lived that “name” they gave me and slept with this guy I was dating to the extreme… we dated for a year but I’ll get onto that later…. after this things just went down hill…. my best friend did move back after her mom got pregnate so she could help take care of the baby. her and I had fights a lot because I didn’t want to get help when she knew I needed it… she ended up getting frustrated as told me our friendship was over and that I could never be helped and I deserved everything that has happed to me… I’ve been purging since grade 8 as Ii forgot to add in.. after she left me… my best friend named chris ended up telling me to go kill myself… I tired… all my “friends” took his side as i’m “CRAZY!” I opened up an instgrm venting acc called @Dreaming_for_the_end summer had finaly started for the end of grade 9! I was so happy but close to the end… august 13th my bestfriend the girl who told me I could never be helped killed herself… I went to her funeral 3 days later… it was the hardest thing in my life…. i cried everynight for 4 days straight when I found out… I hadnt slept bacuse all I could think about was her… I ended up cutting more thasn I have in my life… my leg is shredded…. ive never cut so deep…. i final found a way to ease my mind to go back to school to be bullied being called a crazy bithc from all  my scars and my crazy ex ( the guy i dated for two years) he is still as I type this spredding nasty un true shit about me behind my back.. I now have no fiends because of him… but i don’t know how mut I really am still inlove with him even if he is trying to ruin my life… Tonight is my time… Ive gone threw so much and I am finaly ready to take the pills and let go.. thank you for reading threw this and stay strong <3 It’s just my time to go </3
Tag:
6 Years
My life has no meaning. I spend almost all my time doing nothing, when i try to do something different, i fail and feel like i can;t do anything. since i was 6 years old, my older sister would of called me names and yelling to me im incapable and retarded. It might sound like it’s not so bad but then again i have my mother yelling and shouting to me how much of horrible daughter. she tells me how my brother and sister are better and that she would of never got me in this world if she knew what i was going to be. I cut myself and the need is so big i can;t keep avoiding it. i feel relief when i see blood coming out and then guilt and embarrassment. I feel worthless, i have no one that cares. I have thought about suicide for so long. Pills,cutting,rope. These thoughts keep coming back to me. But no ones even cares and no one knows what i’m going through. It hurts.
Im out eating at resyraunt,please understand that this is a big deal tp me i havnt done this ina while then when i mormally wpuld like 6 years ago
Lately I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night. i keep seeing my dads dead body when I close my eyes at night or I dream that he is still alive. It’s twisted because when I was still in the womb he attempted to stab me. I hated hearing that as I grew up. He was a drug addict, and had about 6 fatal infections leading up to his death. The flesh eating one is what killed him two years ago a week before my 16th birthday. We had a rocky relationship. From the age of 6-12 he abused me. I lived with him through those years because my younger sisters father had passed away due to enlarged heart and having a heart attack while walking to the store. My mom had lost her mind and dropped me off at my dads where my brother stayed, and never came back. His abuse was terrible but I was too young to understand that the drugs made him angry. He beat us with anything, even fists if he had to. I went back with my mom when she discovered we were homeless living in hotel. My mom is an escort, pill addcit and heavy drinker. to this day. and I love her, there’s a lot more I could say but I can’t. Before my father passed we got a long fine. The morning he died I was in trouble at school and the vice principal (who ended up taking me to his funeral) asked me to tell her my life story. which revolved a lot around my dad, the drugs and abuse. but at the end of the conversation I remember saying I don’t know what I would do if he died. He was dying when I said these things, his roommate found his foaming at the mouth, stole some of his week, smoked it then called the ambulance. i recently found that out. But I can’t shake the playback of my brother and I walking towards his coffin for the body viewing. it’s in my head. I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times, cutting, pills etc. I can’t handle the pain, If i could snap my fingers and be dead I would. I tried to open up to my bf who I’ve known for 6 years and he’s not seeing it. I have no motivation, i hate myself. all I do is cry. and until i am asleep. then I see him sometimes it’s his body and sometimes im talking to him. I can’t take this feeling anymore, I feel so alone.
I’m coming closer and closer to the day when finally the pain and misery of my life is greater than my ability to be able to cope with it.
I graduated college in 2007 with a Bachelor’s degree in Economics. Since then, I have applied to 1000s of positions. I can count the amount of just interviews I’ve had on two hands. I can’t even get hired on to bag groceries or work fast food.
I sleep on my parents’ couch. The only way I will ever get out of here is by dying. I have no money and as stated before absolutely no chance of finding employment. I’ve been trying everyday for 6 years to find something, anything.
So what am I supposed to do? What is the point of going on? People my age are married with kids, have careers, have homes. I sleep on my parents couch with not even a glimmer of hope of ever having a life.
I go to church every Sunday. I pray to God every day to help me. I’m not asking for some 6-figure job, all I want is to be able to work. Why won’t anyone hire me? Am I that worthless? Am I not capable of bagging groceries? How do people land the careers they do? I’ve tried and tried and tried and no one will help me. I’m don’t have much left in me. Sleep is the only thing I still enjoy. I want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Let’s just fall into this.
”I wish someone cared about me when I was a child.”
”I wish I was strong enough to raise myself.”
If someone cared I would have been a much different person and not the garbage I am now.
If someone raised me because I can’t do it alone. If someone actually loved me because I never felt loved or even wanted here.
If my dad would have held my hand as a child instead of saying with an angry tone: ”I don’t need to hold your hand do I?! Come on!”
If my mom would have hugged me as a child instead of pushing me away and yelling at me to leave her alone because she wants some time on her own, the other she spend with my brother.
If a teacher didn’t prepare my class for my death from suicide when I was 14. (Eventhough I didn’t want to.)
If my best friend didn’t say goodbye to me when I was 15 because she knew that someday, sooner or later I was/am gonna die.
If the person that seemed to care didn’t litteraly say: ”I give up on you.” and stopped talking when I was 16.
Everyone gave up on me without even caring in the first place. They go without coming
Yes, I have a family that will say to other persons that they love me and how proud they are of me but the thruth is none of them ever talked to me. I mean really talked.
No one looked at me when I was 14 with my arms full of cuts, quite school and decided to stay in my bedroom for 24/7.
No one cares now 6 years later when I’m still doing the same thing.
I don’t want to go on living much longer.
When I’m dead, maybe than they will care.
My mother hates me. I dont know why she does, I have four siblings and she nevertalks to them the way she does me. She’s always looking fr something to shout at me for. I lost count of how many times she’s told me to go kill my self or how she wishes that one morning she’d wake up and find me dead. I’ve no one to talk to and it hurts. Growing up all I knew was abuse from my mom and brother she hit me with text books for getting wrong answers when I was 6 years old. When we would go out she’d tell me not to walk too close to her because I was fat and I looked embarrassing, the list goes on. I’m about to turn 16 and I dont know what to do anymore I wish she would endure the pain that I go through so she’d stop abusing me, even if it’s verbal now it really hurts my feelings and sometimes I think maybe I should really kill my self and make her and my self happy..
Well, I’ve been psycho for past few months. I got betrayed by my friend, live bullying and shit. Some damn kids use the adult relationships to ruin my life since kid. They bully me for so many years already and still do. It’s very humiliating cause they’re like 6 years or younger than me.
At school, I am forced to tell jokes to please my friends. I just get addicted to it. I couldn’t quit.
I also got severe pain or knife moving inside my face. Yes, I mean KNIFE. It mutated, moves and hurts like hell for every damn second for the past decade. It’s like my face is bleeding inside. It’s not a disease, just my post-trauma shit.
I got severely traumatized since kid. My brother teach me porn when I was five and I got beaten badly by my mom, crying in front of those demonic kids, laughing at me.
When I was called strange in high school, I got no more friends. Only one, who’s my junior in high school who doesn’t know anything.
Then, I got bullied severely for being called a troll. They ignore me, make fun of me and call me names (back in middle school).
Those kids are still bullying me when I’m out of high school. Now, I’m a shut-in. I need people to get food for me and shit.
If you tell me to see psychiatrist or something, then get lost. I’ve seen one. I’m afraid of people either.
My name is Benjamin and i’m 13 years old and a half. I’m an atheist and i live in Montreal. My first language is french and my second is english. I have a disease called hemophilia since i was born. Its a disease that makes your body more vulnerable to injuries. That means that when i’m hurt, it will hurt more longer and it will take more time to recover. I’ve been hurt to my ankle a lot so now i’m in a wheel chair and i can’t walk for a long time. I am a sportive guy and i love sports especially hockey and football. because of this i cannot play the sports i love. I didn’t even learned to skate. When i started school, i was obligated to have someone to look for me. She was women and she used to humiliate me and scare people. I’ve had less friends and less liberty. it’s been going on for 6 years up until middle school. It was going worse and worse after each year. my teacher even began to hate me and the class to reject me even if i wasn’t doing anything really bad. when i got to middle school i thought that my problems where all gone but i was wrong. I began to love science. i began to ask myself many philosophic questions like why are we alive, what was before the big bang and what happens after you die. This is also how i became an atheist. My grades even got lower and my parents were putting pressure on me. The only positive things were that my class wasn’t rejecting me, the teachers didn’t hate me and i had more friends. i’m doing a lot of depressions these times because of my parents putting pressure on me even if it’s vacation and because i ask myself more and more philosophic questions. i am going crazy. please help.
My ex husband walked out on me because of my severe mental illness that happened 6 years into our 8 year marriage. He left me for being sick. For trying to get help. I has to leave my son for a month to try and get help. I thought I was doing good and so was our marriage for the month before he left. I wasn’t cutting and I was happy and didn’t want to die. He walked out on us.
Now I’m married again and I don’t feel my husband is attracted to me. He accepts my mental illness because he has it too. My bipolar is quite more rapid than his is. So I had one man who treated me like shit beat me and leave. Now I have one who can’t “perform”. He says he doesn’t know why, but I can tell by the timing it’s me. Why can’t I be loved or attractive?
Everyone always says my mom is so nice but she is the most evil person I ever met.
And she doesn’t even hit me like my brother and father used to.
I’m at a part in my life now where I wish I had parents, where I wish they raised me.
Because I realize they didn’t and that made me become this nothing.
They never encouraged me to do anything, I didn’t even have to go to school. They only made me feel neglected, abandoned and lonely.
I wasn’t strong enough as a child to raise myself. I’m not strong enough now to do everything alone. I’m not strong enough to become strong.
All I need is a little love but I doubt if that exists.
Never did they give me love. They don’t even talk to me, I always tried to breath as soft as I could as a child because I was scared to make a sound. I tried not to move.
When I lied crying on the flpor because of them they just ignored me, stepped over me. I was only a small child.
They always made sure I knew they were better off without me.
My mother would tell me in one of her hate speeches.
She just gave me one again, she said she didn’t care about me anymore and that she will tell my brother not to bother too.
They never cared.. They are the ones that always brought me down and always will.
Because of them I’m stuck in this depression, all they ever did was push me further in.
They just tell me I’m childish and selfish, that it is time for me to change because I’m too old for this.
She will repeat selfish a million times very loud, saying I only care about myself.
But if she knew me a little than she would know I only care about others.
Apparently I’m just too hurt to make that shine through.
Or she is just blind, I know she is.
Hopefully someday she knows they are the one that push me of this cliff.
Even as a child I wasn’t happy to live. We’ll see how much longer I can survive.
I still wish I jumped under that train 6 years ago when I was 14. They already got me that far back than.
I still wish I did it.
In my mind I beg someone to be my parent. To do the simple things a parent should do. But it only happens in my mind.
Im not a very important person. I don’t tell people about my problems. I have many. They drive me insane. I wish I was better person. I cant tell anyone abut this side of me except my only friend cole. he is the only one who will ever understand me. ever.
this is a list 0f my problems
1.im different
2.i cut
3.i am bulimic and anorexic
4.suicidal
5.family death
6.commitment issues
7.my mother has been dating a married man I hate for 6 years
8.my family thinks there’s something wrong with me
9.bullied
10.no friends
11.awkward
12.shy
13.anger issues
14.migranes
15.lack of sleep
16.i hear voices
17.cant focus
18.sexualy abused by half sister [longstory]
and last of all
19.i cant stand myself
please help, my family or anyone who knows mw cant see this, please help me.
Why doesn’t anyone help me?
They are just waiting for me to change.
I haven’t left my room in 6 years now. I’m reaching the point where I really don’t want to live anymore.
I never smile and they think I’m happy.
I’ve been feeling sick from agony the last few days, can barely eat. It hurts my soul to breath.
Please, I want to die and I dont want anyone to remember me.
I’m so lonely
That’s it. Â It will be a mercy killing if I off myself. Â I’ve been pondering/obsessing over this for 6 years now and I think I’m getting to the point where I need to make a decision or live another 60 years of torment. Â I can’t keep putting this off.
I am 39 years old I have thought about suicide since I was 6 years old. My life has always been so difficult. I had one person that kept me alive and that is my dad. I didn’t want to disappoint him. Now I live for my son but my life is imploding and I just think about dying more and more. It makes me sad to think of leaving my son but its just too much. I feel broken, bullied, abused, abandoned and alone. Today my husband let me know that I am a failure, an idiot, a fat fuck, a loser and a few other choice things. Only my son and my dad love me. I am alone in the world and I have nothing else to give. I pray tonight as I have most nights since the age of six that my lord will just take me. He never does, maybe I’m not good enough for God?
I am new here. I attempted suicide about 3 weeks ago, twice in less than 24 hours. The first time I was found by my siblings who got into my house and the second time, I was found by the police. I ended up in the hospital unconscious for two days and spent a further day in a ward with old people, who were bed ridden. I was under constant observation, not even able to go to the toilet unattended. As a psychology student, it was one of the most degrading and humiliating experiences of my life. I felt so ashamed facing my family after that and everyone was so shocked because they thought I was so together and strong. I myself could not understand my actions and was unable to give anyone answers. Slowly over the last 3 weeks I have realised that my partner of 6 years and father of my child, was a narcissist who reveled in my pain and anguish. He had been telling me I was mentally unstable for years, to the point where it became true. I realised that he has been the worst thing that ever happened to me and even though our relationship ended almost 3 months ago and he moved on to a new partner within a week, he is still trying to make my life hell. He heard about my hospitalisation and his family, friends and girlfriend have been posting about it online and making fun of me ‘having voices in my head’. It really hurts to know someone I once loved would not only share this information with others, but post about it in public forums and make fun of me. I am the mother of his child after all, who I have raised basically on my own since he was born. I am reeling from the way people have turned on me almost over night and I am so confused as to what I have done to deserve this. I was mentally stable and well, a high achiever you could say once. Now I am broken, joyless and unable to find any relief from the pain that my life gives me.
Every where I look, there are constant reminders of what has been taken from me and it is like a knife to the heart every time. I wish for death, but I am so afraid to try and fail yet again. I do not want to end up on a psychiatric ward, or back in the hospital and face a life without my son. I am struggling not to believe the things my ex partner is saying about me, but it is so hard. If I am not evil, if I am not poisonous and if I am not agressive, why am I alone and he is not? Why am I hurting and broken, when he is not? Why do I want to die and he seems so happy and in love with his new girlfriend?
He has done many things that are terrible. He has threatened to kill a friend of mine by stabbing them in the neck 4 months ago. He used to beat my dog, who now suffers anxiety. He shouted in our sons face at 4 days of age to “shut the f#ck up”. He raged against me when I did anything he disliked. He was never there for his son, or put him first. He withheld access to any money while we were living together, so I was completely dependant on him. When I left he refused to provide any financial support for 4 months until I forced him through the child support agency. And yet, I still believe somehow I deserved all of this because I am inherently bad. I feel like the people who say I am good and love me, do not know the real me.
I keep wishing for a way out. I do not know what to do.
I’ve been depressed for about 6 years. Â I’ve been thinking pretty much these thoughts throughout the entirety of that time period- the thoughts becoming more complex and clear or unclear as time passed. Â I’m 18 now. Â It has been especially bad this year getting ready for college. Â The thoughts of moving out and beginning the rest of my life are eating away at me. Â I never really thought I would get this far but I did. Â The fact that I’ve only been here 18 years is killing me. Â I’ve only been here 18 years. Â How can I possibly put up with 70 more years of this? Â 50 if I’m lucky.
Jesus, I don’t know. Â Do you?
I have no ambitions and there isn’t really anything I want.  I hate the shit you have to do- go to school, get a job, ect…-in order to have whatever it is I’m supposed to want.  I don’t want to get married or have kids or have a house. Definitely no kids.  I don’t see how anyone could force someone into life and all of the dreadful decisions and thoughts that come along with it.
I feel that The only reason I’m going to school and still working for my future is because I can’t mooch off my parents my whole life.  If it wasn’t for my family and my fear of whatever happens  after death  I would be dead.  I don’t really believe in heaven or hell or god, but I believe in the possibility of them.  I believe in the possibility of anything really. I guess I don’t just hate life, I hate my existence.
I would never do anything to hurt my family, so even if I knew for a fact that death was a good way out, I would stay alive for my family.  I say I love them but I don’t really feel anything for them or any of my friends for that matter.  Apart from my brother at least.  Maybe I do love them.  I do enjoy them and have fun with them -family, not friends-  but if they all told me they hated me or kicked me out or something I wouldn’t feel hurt. Well, I’d be upset about losing my brother.  I don’t know why, but I never feel close to anyone.  I never feel like I truly care for anyone and I hate it.  I want to love people and to be loved but I never care or feel like I do.
I never feel sad or happy.  I just dread everything.  I could probably count the things I like on my fingers, and even those things aren’t worth existing for.  If  I could choose to erase my existence- everything, my past, present, future, any memories of me, any god’s knowledge of me- I would probably do it.  Assuming it didn’t hurt my family of course.
It doesn’t hurt to grow up poor. It doesn’t hurt when your daughter is born with medical problems. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your father died. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your step-father died. It doesn’t hurt when you sacrifice happiness for duty. It doesn’t hurt having your dog put down. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your grandmother died. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your “other†mother died. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your uncle died. It doesn’t hurt when you sacrifice happiness for others. It doesn’t hurt watching others destroy what you built. It doesn’t hurt watching your wife’s Grandmother die. It doesn’t hurt having your cat put down. It doesn’t hurt not being there to stop your Brother from pulling the trigger. It doesn’t hurt burying your dog. It doesn’t hurt watching your Mother die slowly and painfully. It doesn’t hurt not being there for your Grandsons funeral. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your son has open heart surgery. It doesn’t hurt not being there when your wife’s Grandfather died. It doesn’t hurt not being there to stop your Step-brother from pulling the trigger. It doesn’t hurt when you watch your Sister-in-law die. It doesn’t hurt not seeing your son for 6 years. It doesn’t hurt not seeing your Granddaughter for 6 years. It doesn’t hurt having Granddaughters you’ve never met. It doesn’t hurt not being in your son’s hospital room. It doesn’t hurt having a inflammatory abdominal aortic aneurism. It doesn’t hurt knowing your son has the same thing. It doesn’t hurt having a ruptured disk in your back. It doesn’t hurt waiting for medical treatment. It doesn’t hurt to walk, sit, lie down, or take a deep breath. It doesn’t hurt to not be able to help your children. It doesn’t hurt to not be able to pay your bills. It doesn’t hurt to beg. It doesn’t hurt to give up things you love. It doesn’t hurt having your heart torn out, again. It doesn’t hurt to be lied to, again. It doesn’t hurt to be talked about. It doesn’t hurt watching loved ones in pain. It doesn’t hurt to sacrifice everything for others who don’t care.
It hurts knowing that this isn’t all that doesn’t hurt.
Same old boring bad background like everyone else:
-My sister died when I was younger, and I still feel like it was my fault that she died.
-My parents split
-Living in poverty since then
– Haven’t lived in the same house for over a year in like 6 years, Â eviction has met us more than once
-Don’t have anyone to trust
This year was the first time I really started to think about suicide seriously.  I was talking to the school psychologist about it and all she did was question me, “Do you have a plan?”, “What steps would you take?”.  Then she made me call a hotline and I for real did not want to.  I was kind of pissed.  Then she made me promise to tell 2 people before I did it..it was her and the school counselor.  Eventually they went behind  my back and called my mom in because I gave myself a concussion by hitting my head.  I was so angry, but of coarse they see it as more symptoms of depression.  They didn’t understand me.  Really ever since them I haven’t talked to them.  I see too many people just doing things to get attention.  I’m sick of it.  That’s why I bottle up my emotions.  I think that I am now a misanthropist…I hate humans.  I’m not kidding.  And I’m not hypocritical, because I hate myself also.
i can’t even begin to recount the times i’ve tried to kill myself – i started in 2nd grade – i’ve been married nearly 20 years – 4 children –
i’ve been hospitalized twice – once as an adult 2 years a go
i’m not diagnosed as personality disorder – but as i’ve read about it – i’m pretty sure i am – but this total break didn’t come until a family member did the most treacherous betrayal deed that could be done –
i never grieved the horrid act against me – but my child –
that was 6 years a go – and for me – it is like it only happened last week.
to say i’ve had every stressor even is an understatement – i had major life saving surgery after the first botched surgery – my SIL died – FIL treachery – my dh job moved us 1000 miles away – left a church under difficult circumstances.
i’ve tried to cope – even though it is laughable. i don’t want to leave a legacy of suicide to my children – but i feel i do them more harm than good – and these mom’s who are so godly – die of cancer – i don’t want to hurt anymore -and i don’t want to hurt others - i so desire to cease to exist.
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