I am a 23 year old newlywed. I’ve struggled with self-harm in the past, but was able to overcome it for a time after receiving inpatient care. When I married my husband, I thought he was absolutely perfect. When he deployed a few months after we married for around six months, I still thought he was perfect. I missed him. Then he came home.
My marriage is bittersweet. I love my husband. He makes me laugh, and he can make me happy. But mostly, he makes me so sad. The man who came home from deployment is not the same man I married. The man I married put on a mask and promised me so many great things. The man that came home from Afghanistan, I didn’t even know him. The change in character wasn’t due to PTSD, but due to the many things he hid from me that I’ve been discovering slowly over the past year since he’s been home.
I cannot deal with these things anymore. Though we’re working on our marriage, I’m just too tired. A year of trying to make things work with absolutely no effort from the person who is supposed to make the most effort has worn me down to the bone. I don’t even care that things are getting better. The betrayal I experienced, the lies, the disrespect, the humiliation — I just can’t stand thinking about the past year. Our Christmas was ruined. Our anniversary was ruined. Our post-deployment leave vacation was ruined. All because of my husband. It’s driving me mad. And he won’t even take me on another vacation to make up for the one he ruined because he decided to build a fucking computer. I cut myself with the goal of seeing muscle tissue and bone.
It would be a very kind gesture from God if He would kill me. Strike me with lightening. Cause an earthquake to topple our house right onto me so that I am quickly killed. I wish so much for that to happen. But I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I feel so useless and stupid. I am such an idiot for not getting to know my husband more before I married him. I am such an idiot for falling for all of my husband’s lies. I am so useless. I can’t cook well, I’m awful at cleaning, and my husband doesn’t even want to have sex with me. I am worthless. I cannot socialize. I’m too scared to. I have no friends, and even though I want them it would be impossible. Whenever I’m with someone, I have a panic attack. I am a broken human being. I can’t do the things I’m supposed to do. I am unloved, unwanted, and undesirable. I am ugly. I am a failure.
I am so done with being alive. I’ve struggled all of my life. I was never meant to be here.
12 comments
hi i read your post and first of all i want to tell you viet you are no idiot or stupid because already you opened you eyeds and realise you are not happy with your husband second why dont you divorce him and start new life leave him you are too young and many year for be happy and nobody in this world is ugly everything you said can be solved because it’s not the end of the world first understand yourself and then you will understand ur husband. I would like to be your friend my msn is ajulieta_77@hotmail.com take care of you with affection julieta
Have you seen anyone about these issues? A therapist for social anxiety or a marriage counseler for the issues with your husband? Are the problems between you and your husband soluble? You’re not unlovable, you’re not a failure, and you’re not ugly. What in the world could make you say such things about yourself?
First, I understand your pain, ma’am. Getting together again but to practically someone else…. Second, many people would benefit from your insight… You could thwart a lot of misery in this world just by telling them… But please, dont believe that you aren’t meant to be here at all… We need more people who want things to be better. And yes, therapy and mediTation will help. It’s not instantaneous, but it will help you focus on achieving the thing that YOU decide you need. Peace.
Hi, just a word of advice that I would have found useful when I was at your age. If you want to take action, as in seriously committing to it, do it before you have a child. I have been contemplating for years, then my baby arrived… And I love him more and more every second I am with him. Now I don’t know what to do.
Thank you for the kind words and advice. The problems are solvable, but I can’t stop dwelling on them. I wish that I could, but my mind keeps replaying every incident that happened after he came home and I can’t stop it. My husband is a wonderful man. He really is. He hid things from me and he hurt me deeply but he is sorry for it and is making an effort now, albeit a small one due to distractions at work. And while I acknowledge these things, and I’m trying to forgive him and for the most part I have, my heart hurts every single day because of everything that has happened. I can’t shake the feeling of worthlessness and I really do feel undesirable. Having to convince my husband to have sex with me — that is something that would make any married woman feel undesirable.
I understand that I may look pitiful or selfish, dwelling on all of these things and feeling as though taking my life is a good solution to this problem. But I feel as though I wouldn’t be able to solve it by any other means because of my mind’s inability to let things go. Divorce is not an option. I can’t stand the thought of voluntarily leaving my husband and trying to go on living a normal life. So I don’t know what to do.
I feel so stuck. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I don’t want to hurt anymore. I know my family and my husband would suffer. I wish suicide wasn’t so complicated. Or maybe it isn’t and I’m over-thinking it, like I tend to do with most things. I just don’t know what to do.
It isn’t pitiful, different people struggle with different things. But it definitely sounds like you can overcome these issues. You said your husband is a wonderful person, everyone makes mistakes, i think you just have to forgive him. As for feeling undesirable, i’m not blaming you or anything, but do you perhaps distance yourself from him? Maybe since you can’t forgive him you’ve been distrustful or distant from him. I don’t know, but maybe it’s something to think about. Please try to work things out before turning to suicide. I’m sure you can do it.
And stop insulting yourself for goodness sakes! hehe bad username
Thank you for being so kind. I will try communicating my thoughts to my husband. And I guess the best circumstance in which to create a username isn’t in a frantic rush during a depressive episode, hah. 🙂
For as bad as everything is, I’d like to tell you to consider suicide very carefully.I have shot myself in the head with a .45 caliber bullet. It did enormous damage to me, and everyone was surprised that I survived it. I’ve walked away from it with huge scar on my head, and I am now under close watch.Therapists can help most people, and I suggest you try them before you hurt yourself any more. That being said, I still wish I was dead. They have me on all sorts of medications, and I just don’t want to be on this earth anymore. I’d like to suggest that you try to stay alive though! Things can get better for you at times!
Please stop beating yourself up so badly, we are here to experience life, that is what you are doing, its not always a bucket of shits and giggles, but you are just doing self crusifiction for life circumstances…Please rethink things, re look from a different angle, its not your fault, its life experience.
I am like you, except i never even had a girlfriend.
Yeah, i understand, it sucks! ^_^
i’msostupid–your moniker could apply to me, as i responded to a later post, asking questions you’ve already answered here. Sounds like things are still really hard within yourself and with him. If you don’t feel capable of divorce, you’re not ready for it. You may not be ready for suicide, either. Which means, can you live in this ambiguity for awhile? I know it hurts, but can you do it?