Hey there, I know it has been a few weeks. Lately just been thinking, not over thinking like I did before, but still. I have isolated myself for a few, but started and tried to hang out with a few old buds of mine. Since Labor day Monday, my dreams have gotten better. I’m not stressing out like I used too. I have realized I have done a lot of disappointing choices in the past, but I am accepting the consequences and slowly developing, understanding what I have done wrong, and accepting the choices on why things have gone down the drain. Since I have always disliked changes since I was younger, it has been a slow and difficult path. I am a very clingy person. I like to leech onto certain people who I feel comfortable with. I show who I am when I am comfortable. I need to slowly unattach myself from people though. Isolating myself at first was really scary, cuz I haven’t done it for a really long time. I thought that I was ganna lose the friends that I had. Cuz I wasn’t as close to them like I thought I should have… Cuz I had moved away years ago… but for one person I have been really used too. One of my lessons, never compare people. Never rely on just one person. Including an ex relationship… That has gone down the shit hole. That was one of my mistakes.
Since I have hated myself for the longest time, over a few years… Cuz of what had happened with a former friendship that I thought would go on forever. Since I mostly relied on one person… I have noticed, my parents were right. Take care yourself. That is the #1 main; most important thing and rule to do as an individual. I have ignored that for the longest time. I have dispised; hated my life since I never had the answer to that former friendship. It was embarrassing for years. Thought everything was my fault, that I had I lost her.
I mean, I did that, but not 100% of the time. Usually blamed myself for everything. Losing friends, and doubting; over thinking, and stressing out for no reason (mom says). I have done the opposite on getting over certain things. Every time I hated people, I actually hated myself even more. I used to beat myself up of everything. I always thought death was the only way out. I wanted help, but whenever I called for help, I would stop and back out on it. I know not everything is my fault, but I would always have doubts. Every relationship I have ever got into, was because I thought once I really loved them, I wouldn’t be alone ever again… Thought being in a relationship would protect me, but it had gotten worse. I had gotten jealous, I have gotten more and more afraid, stressed out. That one day they’ll leave me. I was too afraid to get heart broken again, that I started to think, I had to break their hearts first. And that’s what eventually happened.
When I was younger, and since being the only child living with a single mother, she just wanted the best for me. Protected me in somewhat ways… but she did her best. There was this one girl; we had spent almost every weekend having play dates, hanging out, sleep overs, bike rides, flying kites…etc. Then one day, something bad happened. We were both different. I realized now, that we weren’t really besties. Realized one weekend, and other weekends were ever the same. Its like all the good were never really there. Around junior high, all I remembered, was that her little posse, where the girls who never liked me came up to me, wanting to ask me questions… I freaked out and walked away. Ever since that day, everytime I had tried to speak with her, nothing came out of my mouth, and I looked like an idiot. The summer before freshman year, the most embarassing thing happened. A three way call happened with a friend of mine and myself and once I knew it. Truth and lies spilt out. I started to hate myself. I didn’t know the reason why before, so I just blamed everything on myself. My friend told me to just burn everything from and what had been shared with her and her mother. Everything was a waste of time. It took me nine years just to get over her. And ever since her mother told us that they never heard of me ever, darkness ruled over my spirit and soul. It has been years since I actually like flying kites, watching butterflies, liked on what we both liked. I let her and her mother control my life. I actually thought I was unlikeable, I thought being different and unique wasn’t good enough. but now I know. Well starting to actually now.
First relationship I had gotten into was pretty fun… immature, but surprising. Different. Thought we would be friends for a long time; longer than my former friendship. Only thing I was afraid about was that we were in two different worlds. I was in one location while that relationship was in another. Afraid cause since I was bi-curious at that time, communication was awesome but a bit terrifying. We’d talk about everything, but there were times when we discussed about other girls. It wasn’t really a problem, but I had gotten more and more worried… We were too comfortable that he would talk about this one girl that he’d been crushing on for years. Yes I would get jealous, but I didn’t let him know. I didn’t really thought about it, didn’t really care I guess, but it did bug me. For years it always bugged me. I think I remembered the last time we discussed about it, it really ticked me off, it pushed me off the edge. Where everything started to bug me. I had gotten doubts. Kinda had started to overthink, stressed out, but I didn’t let him know. The real reason that I broke up with him, thought he would be better off with that girl or someone else he had been crushing on for years. I tried to push him away for so many years, but relied on him for so long as well. Didn’t know how to let go… I guess. And for those years, thought we were actually still friends in a way. But I guess not. And comparing him to my former friendship wasn’t as good as well… So much guilt, and frustration had built up, but I stopped. Afraid that he would really dispise me if I tried.    Â
Yea, I tried. But I messed up. Old emotions got in the way. and thats when everything fell. That’s the worse thing that would happen, when you cling onto someone. You’ll hurt easily. Though I understood it the first time. But not even close.    But yea, since middle of July, been a bit crazy. Mind had gotten really doubtful, little situations had turned ugly. History repeated itself once again. but thankfully not as embarrassing as the last, that had happened. I think this time, since I am grown up, I think I have matured just a bit. But the world that I knew for years, had eventually collapsed. Gotten really tired of taking risks. Holding back much more than I would usually have since the last year. But mistakenly I had compared a friend that I once knew to the last friend. It has been really difficult. Nonstopped crying, tried so hard not to bad mouth about that good former friend. Memory lane had really gotten to me. Emotions… one of the reasons I don’t like showing and being really sensitive. but thankfully since Labor Day Monday, I had been slowly taking steps. Little by little. Take one step at a time. Its really difficult to lose a good old friend. Been through a lot. Wished things were different. Now, sometimes before I go to bed, what if nothing had happened, comes across my mind. Some times I would wish, nothing would have happened. Just left me alone. But now, moving on and not dwelling as much. I guess I am thankful. It wasn’t as bad. At least it was fun and memorable… than most unsuccessful -ships… Anyways; I better stop.
All I gatta say is Learn from ALL mistakes. It may be tough, rough, disapproving, and must really dispise life, like I do… Yes I admitt it, but that’s life.
You want to survive life, well then, take care of yourself, have fun, accept the choices that has been made and move on. Literally do not dwell.