When I was about 10 years old, I began to notice how, after survival, power, was the second most important instinct for man kind. As a little girl reaching puberty and as ambitious I must have been born, I asked myself: Who are the most powerful women in history? I came up  with 2. Marilyn Monroe and Cleopatra. What did both of them share? BEAUTY. Unfortunately, at 10 and being tomboyish, I was far from beautiful. I remember having suicidal tendencies even then, as I held a pair of my mother’s panty hose around my neck chocking myself while I looked at Brooke Shields in a magazine. Why was I so ugly?
Since then, I became obsessed with beauty and because at school I was faaar from popular, I thought I would outdo them all by becoming famous in revange. Lol. In time, thanks to exercise, destiny, determination and some plastic surgery;  the ugly duckling got the wish and turned into a swan. Still, sadly, no matter what others said, I never thought of myself as being beautiful enough so I constantly tortured myself with negative thoughts and all kinds of insecurities and complexes. If a prettier girl that me walked into the room my mind would immediately  make up tales like ” Hey V, the guy you’re with probably wants her more than you”. “He just went to the bathroom cause he wants to take a better look at her”… It became a living hell and one of the reasons to my very many failed relationships.
Now in my 30’s, after having been a model/actress and travelled the world in search of “success”, I finally realize that everything I looked for in that shallow world, was just a fantasy. I sure had incredible moments and managed to make a few fragments of my dreams come true, but the acceptance and love I really yearned for was as temporary  and deceiving as a movie can be.
Now I feel like the curtain is closing down on me. I am getting older. My looks are starting to fade. My mirror, mirror only shows me demons. The bipolar condition, depression, suicidal thoughts, low self esteem and loneliness that have always followed me have finally caught up with me completely. What will I have to offer now? I do have a beautiful caring heart but my distorted mind has convinced me that it’s worthless.
I am paying the price for having set sail on this expedition at 18. I never wanted to study a career like everyone else did, I figured I had nothing to lose since you only live once so I followed my dreams. I now look at all the people around me that went the conventional way and I see they are much happier than me. They have stability, a skill to validate their existence and purpose in life and what I long for most: A FAMILY! I am sooo lonely right now.
Anyway, I would like to die… After the glitter, only shit is here to stay. This is not the way I want to be remembered. Funny I never thought back then that the other  thing that Marilyn Monroe and Cleopatra had in common  was SUICIDE!
4 comments
if you want to die i wont stop you. suicide is a beautiful thing. all your flaws and insecurities are what make you human. and they make you who you are. you arent happy with your life. i get that. im not too happy with mine either. im still young but i already wish i would restart. do things differently. maybe then i might be happy.
I think alot of famous people have very intense lives, I think special good people do. my beautifl caring heart has been damaged by spite and by pain, it turned me into someone i wasnt really, rejection all my life made me think i had to be different which clouded my qualities, I can relate alot with the things you say. well apart from the model/actress bit lol. I would love to find a woman with the depth you have so im sure you have alot to offer!
Thank you for your sweet comments :). CharlieMarbles, Flaws make us human but some of them don’t even exist but we make up in our mind until slowly they start becoming real. The distorted image we have of ourselves, takes a life of it’s own in the outside world sometimes, after we create that portal. I used to think suicide was somehow beautiful but now I think it’s the loneliest place to be.
Painman I understand how your heart has been damaged… Bitterness, jealousy and a certain sense of unfairness are slowly taking over my character, I hate to admit :(. Thank you saying such nice things about me :). I am sure you have a lot to offer too :).
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