My Mistakes

When I die

I already know

I am going straight to hell

I will be a forgotten soul

My wings will be torn apart

Life isn’t for me

Was never meant for me

I just wanted her

After found out she wasn’t real

After found out that her mother always hated me

I isoloated myself for many years

Hated the things that I really loved

Only cuz she liked them as well

So frustrated

Didn’t know how to express my true feelings

I hurt and bullied a lot of people

I truthfully didn’t trust anyone

I mean

Yea I’ve always wanted to talk about my feelings

I’ve always wanted someone who understood me more

That I was never alone

I’ve alway wanted to fall in love

Wished someone had loved me

My wish came true

But I was too afraid to open up

I’ve made too many wrong mistakes

No one ever really told me the truth

No one told me there opinions

They just lied

The babied me

I risked my life running away from people who actually loved and cared about me

I risked it all

Day dreamt to be with all my former (fake) friends

Always thought they were my real friends

Prayed to protect them no matter what happened

Always asking god why they did what they did

I had to communicate with specialists and counselors about my nightmares

Didn’t want anyone to know my problems

But they still told my parents

In my dreams and day dreams

Just weird nightmares

Where I would come back to my hometown

Fix friendships and try to be the best friend I could be

But instead they kicked me out

Beat me up; pushed me away

I would have dreams where one day it would be different as well

One day they’ll just accept me for me and we’d both be friends again

Just one day

I just wish everyone would be happy again

I plead every night for eleven years

Asking god why

And hoping

but it never came true

It just got worse and worse

Pushed everyone; family and friends away more and more

Then when I finally came back

Reality kicked in

The one person that I really trusted the most

Left

I risked it though

I thought if I told him everything

He wouldn’t

Couldn’t leave me if i told him everything

If I tried to open and love him

But nope

I just annoyed him too muchI annoyed him way too far that he left

I messed up

I shouldn’t have lowered my guard

He moved on

Now everyone has gone away

Afraid all my life

Pushed everyone away

Mostly the friends that I really pushed away

Are the ones whom I met in high school

As harsh as I was

They forgive me and gave me chances

All they wanted from me is to move on

To find someone that will make me happy

The person that made me happy the most

Left me

I messed up twice (in fact)

And now I have to isolate myself again