Opening up and Friends

Last night was a very rough night for me.

It started with just hanging out with one of my new friends here, I call her Teru. She has multiple personality disorder. So talks to them in her head and functions everyday like normal with them. Well, her and I hooked up with a couple of our guy friends. The one she hooked up with, she felt that they could trust each other and do whatever and still be friends. She trusted him. Later that night, at two something in the morning, he broke her trust and hurt her. He poked at one of her personalities. You don’t poke at her personalities. You just fucking don’t. I won’t say what exactly happened, I don’t want to share it, but it was extremely offensive. She called me, in tears, wanting me to come to her. I did, of course I did, I care about her. We spent the night with my guy friend talking and cheering her up, which wasn’t bad because we laughed. It was ok. But she’s still hurt. And I want to kill that idiot who hurt her.

For me, I ended up opening to my guy friend, who I’ve known for hardly a week. Already I’ve told him about Belle and I’ve told him about Niel. I can trust him with that. I had a few drinks, and walking out at night… altogether it seemed to spark something that made me feel horrible. I don’t know how I could trust someone who’s pretty much a stranger with benefits like that. I find it very very odd. But he’s a very caring person and he listened to me while I had a psychotic breakdown. I was crying and hysteric while i told him about how Belle was ‘born’ and how I lost Niel and how I made the last month of his life hell because of how fucking stupid I am. I don’t understand how I can open up to a stranger like that, yet I can’t talk to someone I consider my brother and tell him that I am crying when I really am crying. It confuses me. It doesn’t help with Kai not talking to me or anything… and I can’t see the other person I consider to be like a brother. It’s weird, trusting strangers yet not feeling up to talking to someone I call a brother. But I opened up to this guy. I cried and cried and cried. He even talked to belle! Belle weaved her way in and talked to him. She threatened him and said things… But he still listened and he’s still talking to me and he’s still caring about me. How come strangers can do that, yet people you’ve known for years will hardly look at you? I’m not insulting my bros, I know they care about me, but I mean my other ‘friends’, my stupid family. They know when I’m troubled, but they don’t do shit. They just stare at me.

I feel really tired today and just drained. I’m not sure what to do about the situation last night. I want to defend my friend and beat the shit out of that idiot who broke her trust. I’m also offended by what he did because that day, I told him how he had earned my trust. How I could trust him and not view him as some dude being a fucking moron looking for tail. That takes a lot. Having that trust broken is a horrible feeling. I’m tired of feeling that.  I trusted him because Teru trusted him. Why do people do stupid shit like that?? They just break trust and move along like nothing happened. I don’t really know how I’ll react if I see this guy again because I’m shaken from last night, from opening up like that, but I’m pissed off at him and I just want to kill him. I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk to him or if he’ll let me talk to him. The only way Teru would forgive him is if he begged for it and sincerely meant it. She told me herself, once you break her trust, it’s nearly impossible to get that trust back. I don’t want her to be convinced that she can’t hold a friendship without it crumpling to sharp pieces and having them bounce back up and stab her in the eye. Her past friendships were like that, and she found someone to trust, someone she connected to, and then he broke her trust. I’m repeating myself, and I’m sorry… but it just pisses me off so much.