I zone in and out of class at least once or twice (or dozens of times in a particularly uneventful lecture). And it’s far from the typical daydreaming I used to do. My eyes widen and I nod my head as I am overcome by ethereal sensations. Loathe as I am to mention his name, I imagine my face looks exactly like James Holmes sitting in that fucking courtroom. One of my professors asks his students questions quite often, and it is a class of about four people so I get called on routinely. Many times I have no idea what he just asked or what the context even was; if I’m lucky I snap to and piece together an answer but other times I just look clueless. I’m hearing impaired but trust me, I can hear this guy because he speaks very clearly and I sit in my usually spot in the front (but right next to the door).
The silver lining is that when I’m not nodding off I’m able to concentrate far better, though some of this may be due to the fact that I have been keeping up with reading. Still, these incidents bother me even when I’m alone. Is this some side affect of my medication (though I’ve been on the same doses for a while now and this has just recently begun happening) or is my mental illness progressing into something even scarier? Part of me has always wondered if I am at risk of becoming schizophrenic. I do experience hallucinations, though rarely in the form of voices. I try to stay as logical as possible when dealing with them, as I know delusions can be a particularly devastating ailment to anybody. Socially I am basically a complete loner, a common feature of schizophrenics. At night I find myself struck by bizarre moods which vary from seething rage at nothing to giddy euphoria. All while sitting alone in my tiny room.
I guess the bottom line is that I’m terrified of losing control. Though not a psychology major anymore, I have taken a few courses so I have a basic idea of how such a mental illness functions and progresses. I’m also quite aware of how bad the prognosis is (and I’ve been put on medications consistent with treating schizophrenia, all of which are hell). If I really am becoming schizophrenic and my concentration/focus go kaput, I truly will have nothing left. School is all I have.
3 comments
Also, I apologize for my excessive use of parentheses. I’ve been programming a lot recently and it’s hard to switch from coding to English at times.
Hi Nir Dakon, Through my battle with depression, i have noticed and shat myself about if it is drifting into something else, but i have found that so many symptoms sneak very close and sometimes over the line into what seems to be something else, the freaky thing is i think so called professionals seem to be unsure as well on any definitive lines on diagnoses..Also, just to make it more confusing, i know that medications can have side effects that mimic depressive symptoms, tide, lethargy, poor concentration, lonely, isolation, so its hard to know what coming from where ? Sorry i don”t have any great answers, but i do completley understand your frustration with it all….Hang in there, hope you get some clarity soon…
#include “you.h”
#include “me.h”
main(char** argv, int arc){
char* greetings=”hey, Nir Dakon”
printf(“%s\n”, greetings);
return 0;}
well i don’t really believe in psychology because i bet if you go to 10 psychologists then you will get 10 different diagnosis’s. I had such daydreams too a few years ago and i think it is just the unconscious mind which is processing stuff which you are dealing with at the moment like we do when we dream. to me this drifting always happened if my ability to concentrate was exhausted. After a while those drifts started to suck and i just stopped them whenever i realized that i was going to drift which means i basically reprogrammed this behavior pattern by not using it any more (the brain is a neural network and if a network is not used anymore it will eventually decay and die). At least in my case this self-therapy worked. but yes i had the same fear of developing a faint schizophrenia.
Aren’t those medications altering the way the brain behaves (signals) by a lot? I guess it could be them and i guess it is not possible to stop taking them from one day to another.
did you read the facts-sheet which comes with your medication? i what does it say about hallucinations? i wouldn’t ever take medications which interfere with the signaling of the brain on a regular basis at all because i believe they make thinks worse in the long run but as i am not a neurologist my guess is just what i said a guess.
yours beatenup