I can never catch a break. My life screwed up long before I was able to walk. When I was 6, 8-9 I was sexually abused. Idk why I’m putting that out there. No one gives a fuck. People say get over it. Trust me, I would if I could. Every moment of my life I experience the whole thing over again. All I really want is some sympathy, someone who could listen and understand me. But even that’s too hard to ask for. Sill I sit here and wish for death to consume me. When will this be over? When will this pain end for me?
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i want to listen and i understand.
It’s going to be ok
I always feel so sad. I wasn’t even expecting a response until tomorrow maybe. Reading both of your comments made me cry.
It’s like no matter how much I care for others, they’ll treat me like shit. All I want to hear is “how are you doing?” so I could for once tell the truth about how shitty my day was. I always give other the benefit of the doubt because I know how it feels to be in a bad situation. But when I listen to them they ignore me right after. It’s like I don’t matter.
I was talking to a Chinese girl on a chat site yesterday. She was very pretty. Anyway, our entire conversation was based on our dislike for people asking us how we are. We came to the conclusion that it was mostly said in politeness or to start a conversation. An empty question that people can keep. Furthermore, no one ever expects you to say you feel like shit.
I understand you. I was raped but my uncle and even though it’s been years since that happened the trauma has hunted me my whole life.
It’s not like that. We are friends because we both suffer from depression. He gave me his number so I could have support when I’m dealing with some hardships. But it seems like the other way around. I always ask him “what’s wrong?” or “how are you doing?” he gives a truthful answer. It’s just that when he asks me those types of questions, his next response always leads me to believe that he doesn’t care. It’s a lot for me to talk to a male and be open with him. I think that’s a given when u meet someone who is a victim is sexual abuse by a male. Anyways, I’ve never told him the full story of what happened to me but it always feels like I have to compete for his attention.I’m not about that, I already made the decision I won’t compare myself to another women.
It’s just hard, I don’t have too many friends. The one person that says they’ll actually be there for me isn’t. I just want a friend that I can talk to and fell like I can trust them enough to say what’s on my mind. It’s sad, I’m the type of person that will ask about your mother but in turn I get treated badly. I’ve been through enough of that. But every night I have to get high or drunk just so I could get a decent 4hrs of sleep. I’m a walking zombie.
I’m so sorry to hear that Black Swan. It always makes me sad when a survivor of abuse comes out. I wish this never happened to any of us.
There is evidence that 7/10 people end up here because they are lonely. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Yeah, maybe that’s just they way he is. We should both really see a doctor about the sleep problem. I do the same as you
Seems like it, lately I’ve stopped talking about myself to him but ill still text him because I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I’ve never seeked professional help. How do you get help for alcoholism when you’re underage? I drink 24/7 to get me through the day or I’ll take xanax and valium. If not ill spend my time contemplating suicide, that’s something I don’t want to do.
Do you drink to help block out memories or is there something else
Mainly to block the memories. I get triggered easily but I don’t get flashbacks too often. But every night I get nightmares. Other times I can’t deal with life so ill drink or get high so I can be ‘normal’ and on everyone else’s level. I really do hate all of this, I wonder if I’ll ever be well enough for go a week sober.
You should see a psychologist. You might want to talk to someone about the drink problem. Being underage doesnt make any difference, everyone does it.
I used to think I had a problem until I read about people who claim to drink 18-30 pints a day
I would if I could. Although I’m 18, my mom is very controlling over me. It definitely stretches beyond drinking. I have an eating disorder I’m trying to recovery from, I sell my body to women so I can afford to buy coke, almost everyday I cut myself, whatever the list can go on forever.
I call hotlines frequently so I can feel like someone cases, I wish I could meet someone like that face to face.
Really, women pay. I might consider doing that.
I’ve been to Alcohol/drug abuse meetings when I was 15 so I doubt they mind, give yourself a little attention you deserve it, I’m a good listener I may not always know what to say but I can listen (:
Newsflash, it’s like you’re describing my life story after what happened to both of us. I also had an eating disorder when I was your age and became a stripper. So you’re a man?
🙂
What do you find funny Duke?
Actually no I’m a female. I’m straight, Ill be honest I fantasize about men. But I’m terrified of them. I’m afraid to have sex with them. I’m not a hooker on the street, I’m more of a ‘freelance call girl’. I’ve met with guys but never done sexual acts, usual ill dance or they’ll ask for me to be their pretend girlfriend for the time they have me,but that’s not often neither is hooking with women. It just fuels my addiction. When I 16 I first tried this, I figured there’s no way I could do this with a man. Sex is a funny subject with me. To be honest since I was young I didn’t thin think I’d amount to much. I always wanted to try being a phone sex worker or stripper.
Being a stripper is just making it worse for yourself. I started cause I had no self worth and felt like so what and then I became addicted to the money. Only after a while I started thinking that all men were pigs and after a while I hit the wall as they say and just couldn’t do it anymore. 10 years went by and I never thought I’d do it again but circumstances led me back there and the same movie started rolling. You meet a lot of men with money that will shower you with money and even take you on their private planes but in the end you’re just another toy and once they get tired of you you end up feeling like once again you just got rapped.
Thank you for the reply, I always try to ease off the drinking, I’ve been doing it since I was 12. Even when I wrote this post I was buzzed. I really don’t want to live like this
I don’t mean to sound cliche but have you tried AA? It has worked for people I know.
That’s the thing, I’ve done it a few times at college parties. The money is the only thing that will make me stay for songs. At the back of my mind I tell myself not to even think about it. But you’re right it wont do me any good, itll just get me a longer line of coke. And I hate that. I hate my life. My friend I lightly mentioned before always wants to buy me something but I can’t seem to say yes because I’m afraid I will see him a different way. I just want him to talk to me instead. Sometimes I absolutely hate the way men treat me, but I know very well not all of them are like that. It’s scary to think. One minute ill convince myself I’m not worth it and I should just sleep with them, but the next I’m afraid of the whole thing.
I’ve never done AA, but I’ve called different hotline depending on the day. My mom is very controlling and like to pretend I don’t have any problems so I won’t be getting help anytime soon. Besides, it’s too expensive for me right now. Maybe in my future.
Most of the strippers I know were sexually abused in the past. It’s apparently a “syndrome” that could be developed after the experience. All men are not that way, but you tend to believe that they are more than the opposite. You get a distorted image of men and relationships after a sexual trauma. I don’t think having your friend buy you something would be that bad. Do you feel anything for him other than just friendship?
I am a member of AA, and believe me theere is no age that is too young to attend. You may find other women that have had the same life experiences as you.
I was sexually abused as a young boy, we each respond to this differently.
Untill the problem is addressed there is no way to move forward. There are support groups for abused people, try finding some of these groups, yet the drinking and drugs are the biggest problems at present. Learning new coping skills are important.
It seems that a common response to sexual abuse is the suicide tendency. A lot of the posts I’ve read here come from sexually abused people.
it seems as though you have a hard time moving on. hoarding negative and traumatic experiences. i know how you feel but i dont agree. i was molested from 4-6, and i’ve had alot worse things happen to me since. all i can say is not to dwell. there is no point in forcing yourself to re-live these moments.. “but im not forcing them, these thoughts never left” if this is the case then you need to get out and do something about it. help other people who have been thru this. if you always think about it than maybe speaking to others regarding this will help them and yourself. you just need to try.
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There is always somebody out there that you can talk to
Thank you everyone so much for responding. I honestly wasn’t expecting this. Just being able to get this part of my life off of me feels good.
@Black Swan, no I think of him as only a friend. He talks to two other women and always buys them thinthings. I don’t care about that, that doesn’t make me jealous or anything. But what bothers me is that he always brags about his crush that doesn’t do too much for him. I feel like I always have to compete against her just to talk with him. I always say no to the gifts, it feels like he’s invading my home and personal space.