So I went onto Google today, and not for the first time this year typed in the word “heartbreak”. My boyfriend and I broke up on the 29th of October, 2011. So it’s been almost  a year. We’d been going out for 6 years.
Insert here a movie montage of every rom-com cliche – the kisses, the hugs, the tickles, the laughter, the constant “I love you”s in a variety of tones and funny voices. It was gorgeous and silly and life seemed light.
When it ended, it’s an understatement to say that I was stunned. I never saw it coming. In August he started acting weird. By October, he was completely non-communicado. In the end, I was the one who pulled the pin on the break-up grenade, after two months of first demanding, then begging, then pleading for answers. He’d only say he was “confused” and “lost”.
I starting Googling “heartbreak” shortly afterwards because it was like a physical pain. It was a physical pain. An actual constant, dull ache in my chest, with sharp, sudden counterpoints whenever I passed a place we used to hang out, or listened to a band that he used to like.
When you watch tragic love stories on TV, they always seem almost exciting. Yes, there’s the crying and the pain, but it’s all so purposeful. It’s not like that in real life. In real life grief is boring. It’s monotonous. If you had a movie about real heartbreak it would just feature a person lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for 1-and-a-half hours. It’s pointless, and draining. And for me, thoughts of suicide came on almost as a defence against the boredom.
A stupid act to try and take this stupid, dull plodding story forward. Just to stop thinking about him, and missing him, and having to feel that ache. Plans formed in my head – all ridiculous. All risky. All fortunately un-attempted.
I pushed through it. I buried myself in work. I did all the Oprah-esque things: keeping a journal, working out, talking to friends. (Not about suicide, but about the pain.) I was getting to a point where I’d wake up in the morning and he’d be the 3rd or 4th thing I remembered – not the first, sickening one.
Then two months ago, he got in touch. He said he wanted to return some of my stuff. I thought I was safe. I was through it. But when I saw him: hello the pain. It didn’t help that he appeared completely gutted. He told me he missed me, he got all wistful about returning my stuff, saying: but will it be the last time I see you?
I thought: damn. maybe I’m being unfair, maybe I didn’t really give him a chance to explain.
I made the hectic decision to be friends.
It went  well too. We were hanging out again at all hours, comfortable as ever. I even felt like I was being a good person, you know? He was going on about how lonely he was, how he had no friends.
He was mostly clear though that he was not  interested in trying again. And I accepted that readily enough – I didn’t know if I wanted to either. Or so I thought anyway.
He also made a big deal about how the end of our relationship would be the biggest regret of his life. How he couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. That I was his first true love.
And while I knew I was being stupid, I let myself hope against hope, that maybe, if we take it slow, we could just find our way back to ourselves.
Right up until yesterday.
Yesterday I discovered that he loves someone else.
I’m not proud of how I discovered it. I caught sight of  a note on his refrigerator. I shouldn’t have been reading it. It was on the second page of a shopping list. I should never have flipped the page. I just noticed that it the front pad of the pad didn’t rest evenly, and so I snooped.
And I was bitten. With a note that said: “I love you:) Thinking of you”.
At first I was confused, thinking that he had written it. Then I realized it wasn’t his handwriting. Then I think the world just kind of imploded – at which point I realized (much much too late) that I hadn’t come around because  I wanted to “be friends” but because I still loved him. Was still in love with him.
From that moment, my hard won peace was shattered by six words and a smiley. Months of clawing back to myself reduced to nothing by a shopping list.
I think that hurt almost as much as the thought of him with someone else (which is a truly agonizing thought by itself). I walked away without asking for an explanation. The very thought of having to pull myself back up again is exhausting.
Today, instead of just Googling “heartbreak” I googled “heartbreak suicide” – which is a first. Mainly to see if there were others who did, as I seriously considered this morning, just given up entirely on their healing abilities, and just looked for an exit.
I stumbled onto this site – and I have to say profoundly: thank you.
It’s still very painful – but knowing that I’m not the only person in the world who’s love for someone seems to have stayed way past its expiry date.
I was particularly moved by the posts from Trent – who described, pretty much to the letter, exactly how I feel. That feeling of thinking of someone so intensely, missing them all the time, feeling so bereft without them.
But thanks to this site, I’ve picked my sorry self up and agreed to go out with a friend tonight. And he gave me a pep talk which was a bit of a kick in the head. So I thought I should paraphrase it, in case it helps someone else out there as well:
He said: life is about perspective. right now you feel like this is the worst thing that could’ve happened, but 10 years from now, this may seem tiny. at the very least, you may look back and realize that you wasted valuable time and energy worrying about something that’s really beyond your control.
if you just took your eyes of that mutt head, you’d see that you’ve got many good things in your life that deserve your attention. don’t feel sorry for yourself. it’s a trap.
It seems obvious now, but I think sometimes it takes a friend to gently smack you upside the head for feeling sorry for yourself. Someone who cares enough to say: you’re being an idiot, emotional pain is really just a memory, you may not be able to wipe it out, but the very least you can do is keep it in perspective.
If you don’t have that friend – well, you got me.  Whatever it is,  no matter how painful .. as of this moment, it’s the past, it will never be as big or as important as the future, which you’re writing with your own mind right now. Write it right.
10 comments
i hate how i can understand what you are saying, and at the same time i cannot. i am not whole without her, and this life is more than just meaningless now, it’s painful beyond all reason. my best friend, my love, my wife left me in october of last year as well. ten days before our third wedding anniversary. i have planned so many times to kill myself since then… and i hope one day soon i can finally finish off what little hope i have left, and just be gone already.
sorry… but yay for you, and stuff. :/
I’m sorry jmvsic
To be honest, this whole love thing boggles my mind. I think it sucks that a year down the line, I love him as much as I ever did. And it’s like that love that once sustained me, and got me up every morning is now my enemy, and it wants me dead.
And it sounds like you and I have an enemy in common.
Can we at least agree that when it hurts this bad, when it’s dragged us to this point where we’re in a corner, then it can’t be love anymore? It’s something else.
And if we were special enough once to be cherished (you more than me, because at least you made it down the aisle. I made it to drawing up guest lists part) … then those people that we once were, would probably not curl up and die.
We loved people who ultimately left us – and we think that because they left us, we’re the weak ones. Maybe we’re the strong ones, because we were the true ones.
I don’t know what happened in you marriage – but in my relationship, I can say that I was loyal, and always honest. When things fell apart, I tried to make it work. When I spotted my mistakes, I tried to make amends. I was there for every moment, and when I said I would love him forever I meant it. I probably will love him until the day I die. But it’s not going to be the reason I die.
If you’re the same, then don’t give up – the world needs more people like us:)
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Glad you’re being able to pick yourself up one more time. I wish I could keep every bad thing in perspective…
This paragraph made me shed some tears. Yes, world needs people like you. Hope you can find someone who really deserves you.
“I don’t know what happened in you marriage – but in my relationship, I can say that I was loyal, and always honest. When things fell apart, I tried to make it work. When I spotted my mistakes, I tried to make amends. I was there for every moment, and when I said I would love him forever I meant it. I probably will love him until the day I die. But it’s not going to be the reason I die.”
Thank you Bmn, that means a lot to me. I just hope the positivity doesn’t turn out to be as temporary as the peace. Clinging to perspective like a teddy bear at this point.
Well here’s what I don’t understand. You say that you found this note on the fridge and that he loves someone else but….how do you know that? Anybody could have written that, including a friend. Has he tried to contact you?
to be honest, i screwed up in my marriage. i have posted about it before, so i won’t go into it, but needless to say i didn’t appreciate all that i had. i made stupid mistakes because i was blinded by my own fears and weighed down by my own depression. that’s not to say i was no good whatsoever. and i also do not accept all of the blame entirely. but i am way beyond assigning blame anymore. i just want the chance to prove myself to her again.
and actually, no. i cannot agree to the statement that “when it hurts this bad… it’s can’t be love anymore”
too many people think that love is supposed to be idyllic and always happy. stupid movies and tv shows nowadays do not evaluate relationships in the long term .and sadly that is where a lot of people around my age (30) and younger compare their relationships too. if it’s not like in the movies (i hate nicholas sparks) then it must not be love.
my understanding of love is that it is actually pretty easy to fall in love with someone, but it’s difficult to maintain that loving relationship over time. it takes work. it doesn’t just happen magically ever after and stay that way. so, in answer to your statement, i wish it were that simple, but i don’t believe it is. i believe that the reason sooo many people end up divorced (often more than twice) is because they are happy as can be going into a relationship, but as soon as it get’s a bit hard, they give up. and people just accept this as “life”… but why is it that our society tells us “never give up in school. never give up in sports. never give up in business”… but in the one thing that really matters, love & family, we say, it’s okay to give up and walk away from that.
i know i am not perfect. i broke her trust, and i deeply deeply regret that. but i also know i love her so damn much, and i never went one day without telling her that. she is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen, and i tried everyday to let her know that as well. i know i made mistakes… but loving her was never something i stopped doing.
sorry. i am ranting.
An excellent point. I did consider that, I was really desperate for any explanation rather than the obvious one.
… So I cross checked, with a friend of his, who I kinda caught off-guard with: So, tell me about this new girl… is she “the one”?
This could’ve backfired. I wish it did. But it didn’t. I even know her name. They’ve been going out for about 3-months. She doesn’t live too far away from his place. He sleeps over. Enough said.
I don’t want to call him on it. I don’t think I have the right anymore. It’s not like he’s cheating. He’s just moved on.
I have spoken to him since yesterday. I didn’t mention spotting the note. Do you think I should?
@jmvsic
Nah, that wasn’t a rant. I get your point. And I guess you’re right – we shouldn’t give up just because it gets hard.
I wasn’t trying to argue that it should be rainbows though. In fact, I think that we both agree that love is a good quality. It’s a quality of strength – and in your case, really admirable perseverance.
I guess what I was trying to say is that love, in itself makes you strong. The thing that makes you want to die is not love. It’s grief, and it’s frustration.
I think that’s an important distinction.
I think to kill yourself because you’ve lost a great love does not honour the love. It just honours the loss.
And believe me, even as I say this, I know what it’s like to feel like you’re walking around with a great big hole in your torso. I know what it’s like to not want to sleep because you’ve afraid of those moments in the morning when you wake up and have to remember all over again, about the awful thing that happened, about what’s missing.
Living with loss is hard. It’s difficult to even find a point to it.
But when I try to remember the person I was that was worthy of a great love, I know that that person was someone that was more comfortable with life. She didn’t wonder around under a raincloud – pretty much the way that I do now.
Maybe there was something loveable about that in itself.
But all of that’s an aside. I wish you all the best my friend. Please keep me posted about your efforts to win her back. You’ve got one cheerleader right here:)
I can’t help but feel like he was toying with you a little bit, being all sad, the hanging out again…surely he senses that you still have feelings for him and I do feel like he may have been having a little fun with that, to see if you would still be an “option” if things don’t work out with the other girl.
I might be completely wrong. It’s just what I sensed from what you wrote.
Don’t let him play you. If he wants a relationship and that is what you want, go for it again. If he doesn’t want a relationship and he’s playing the “friends” card…that’s not going to work out. You know it won’t. You’re going to die a little bit inside every time you’re around him, knowing he’s seeing someone else. Don’t do it to yourself. You deserve someone all to yourself!