They try to tell me its chemical. Here… take this drug and you can start to live again. Here pop this pill and you can start to feel better, after three or four months. Placebos.
It numbs me from feeling anything. That’s all the antidepressants and antipsychotics do… Numb.
I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be a mindless drone going through the motions of being alive. I don’t want to meet someone and have them run in the other direction once they see the pills in my medicine cabinet.
Besides, its not chemcial. No. Not really. I’m 25. I had my first breakdown when I was six years old. Everything that was happening at home was too much for the little me to handle and bubbled over. Since then its been an uphill battle. Things continued to get worse at home and when they finally cooled off it was too late for little Kristen. I already had my sense of safety broken at home, at school I was target of laughter, and I had ingrained a way of thinking that was consistently negative.
So now? Nearly 20 years later? Those thinking patterns are nothing but stronger.
Those thinking patterns have led me to more negative situations, which have strengthened the ways of thinking even harder!
And they want me to change… ha. Good luck with that.
I’ve looked back at my life and there are few if any happy moments. I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want to wake up and convince myself to get out of bed. I don’t want to live knowing that my family despises me. I don’t want to live a life of lonliness.
Change won’t happen over night they tell me….
yeah but I don’t think it ever will.
I want to be done. I want to go. God, fuck serenity and wisdom, give me the fucking courage to end this miserable life of suffering and begin my life anew on the other side.
6 comments
Although the pain you are feeling is not fair, it is not uncommon. I sympathize with you when you say you are done. but, darling, if you were done, you would have done it already. You would not have wrote your story here in this blog, and your life would already be over. This is a sign that you still have fight, you still believe in happiness. You need to embrace this fight, you need to embrace it and never let it go. it is the only hope you have to feel better. What you are feeling, and the fact that you have felt it for 20 years leads you to believe that this is a forever feeling. But, it is not. This is not a forever feeling. You were worth dying for with the Lord gave his son up for us. You are precious to him, and you are precious to me. Sometimes we forget how much our lives mean to someone else, and sometimes that is enough to hold on. So, take a deep breath, cry a little, and then smile. Pick your head up. Help someone else out. And reach out for our Savior. He is there, he is always going to be there. When you are in need, pray. When you are feeling weak, pray. God would never put us through something we couldn’t handle. He hasn’t given up on you, he still has your story. You just need to have faith, you need to have strength. and you CAN do this. I will be praying for you!
No one gets better merely by taking medications, there’s a debate as to weather or not medications even help. I think a much better focus is therapy to try identify and address the underlying problems of depression. You should try to find what thought patterns are leading you to this depressed state of mind and try to devise a plan for rerouting them.
Change definitely won’t happen over night, but it can happen one day, and you’ll be a stronger person for it after struggling to get to the top of the hill.
DEAR FRIENDS,
I UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEMS YOU ALL GOING THROUGH, I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN HERE, IF I HADN’T HAD SUCH PROBLEMS.
GUYS, BUT INSTEAD OF KILLING YOUR BODIES COMPLETELY, DO PRAYERS, “PRAYERS & FAST”. PAIN THIS FLESHY BODY, INFRONT OF GOD, INSTEAD OF KILLING IT AGAINST GOD, YOU WILL DEFINITELY SEE THE BREAKTHROUGH.
PLEASE TAKE MY WORDS, MIRACLES NOT ONLY HAPPENS TO ONLY RARE PEOPLE, IT HAPPENS TO THOSE ALL WHO DESERVE IT. DO “FASTING AND PRAYING” TO LORD GOD, YOU’LL DEFINITELY SEE THE RESULTS.
BY SEEING “CHRISS ANGEL” DON’T YOU THINK SOME NEGETIVE MIRACULOUS POWER EXISTS WITH HIM IN THE UNIVERSE?
SAME WAY THE POSITIVE MIRACULOUS POWER EXISTS.
TRY IT TODAY. FOLLOW THE LORD GOD.
HE WILL DEFINITELY OPEN THE DOORS FOR YOU.
“GOD BLESS YOU ALL”
DEAR FRIENDS,
I UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEMS YOU ALL GOING THROUGH, I WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN HERE, IF I HADN’T HAD SUCH PROBLEM.
GUYS, BUT INSTEAD OF KILLING YOUR BODIES COMPLETELY, DO PRAYERS, “PRAYERS & FAST”. PAIN THIS FLESHY BODY, INFRONT OF GOD, INSTEAD OF KILLING IT AGAINST GOD, YOU WILL DEFINITELY SEE THE BREAKTHROUGH.
PLEASE TAKE MY WORDS, MIRACLES NOT ONLY HAPPENS TO ONLY RARE PEOPLE, IT HAPPENS TO THOSE ALL WHO DESERVE IT. DO “FASTING AND PRAYING” TO LORD GOD, YOU’LL DEFINITELY SEE THE RESULTS.
BY SEEING “CHRISS ANGEL” DON’T YOU THINK SOME NEGETIVE MIRACULOUS POWER EXISTS WITH HIM IN THE UNIVERSE?
SAME WAY THE POSITIVE MIRACULOUS POWER EXISTS.
TRY IT TODAY. FOLLOW THE LORD GOD.
HE WILL DEFINITELY OPEN THE DOORS FOR YOU.
“GOD BLESS YOU ALL”
^
I think you left the caps lock on by mistake
Your right. I will now only follow the lord. That is to heaven. Or like hell.