These monsters grow slowly. They feed of trauma, deception, guilt and isolation. They pretend to know you, understand you and even be your companion. They are always present talking to you while you interact with others. They often claim to be able to read other peoples’ minds and make it the only truth even people themselves and evidence point otherwise. They get stronger in time and as invisible as they soon merge with you to become one. You’ll then be locked in the tower of your own mind where only torture, darkness and negativity await you.
Most of us don’t see ourselves as we really are. The monsters have painted an image of ourselves that people don’t see at first glance. We might try hard to hide who we “really are” but the monsters are smarter than us. They will literally come to life, project this horrible picture of what you are and destroy any good chance for a beautiful present or future in the outside. They want to win and taking your life is their price.
How is it that less attractive, less intelligent and less “fortunate” people in this world seem to have all I want? I’ve been around them and I see that they breath a cleaner air than me, they have joy in their souls and they irradiate peace with others and themselves. They are comfortable being who they are. They are lovely beings and they are a magnet filled with a positive charge.
What am I? I am what my monsters have told me for so long that I don’t even know what is when or where to start. You am not enough, You should be like this or that, you always fuck up, your relationships will never last, people prefer to be around others, you have no future and you will end up lonely until I die. So why not die now?
I know that the person I see in the mirror is distorted yet it’s too late and hard to change that. It took them years to conquer my brain and my spirit and I am too weak to fight back. The sad part of the story is that if it hadn’t been for them, I would have probably made lots of my dreams come true. Such a waste. Such a war. Such a lie.
5 comments
Create a hero to fight the monsters
“Self-deceit is the biggest sin” -Anton Szandor LaVey
Black Swan,
I agree with your analogy I have created a mess of the monsters myself, I can’t get rid of them either! I know they will never go away, I wish there was a monster remover but there isn’t other than alzheimer’s. I can only try not to create anymore. By the way my monsters aren’t really as bad as my mind thinks they are but it doesn’t matter.
Thanks Charlie for the advise. It’s a good one. Rocketman, it will take me some time and a lot of effort to kill them cause otherwise I’ll never have a chance at making things better given that it looks life I am going to have to stay in this world. I really would prefer to die but I can’t face the horrible ways to die by m own hand.
Black Swan, you are a lovely presence on SP from all of your comments that I’ve seen. I too have suicidal ideation (and ‘monsters’, or demons as i usually call them) but seriously doubt (especially since I came here) that I will ever have the courage to go through with the final act.
I hope as you go through life you will get pleasantly distracted and side tracked by events and opportunities unfolding in your life, and that the monsters will slowly back away. OK, chances are that they’ll be back, but in the meantime you have a chance to live a little and maybe discover a passion or goal that will trump these monsters for once and for all.
Sounds unlikely? Well, I’m a believer in miracles. Anyway, you are a beautiful person Black Swan, as your name suggests, and you deserve the very best in life.
Zoe x