This is my story for what its worth and for whom it may concern, its an ongoing story and its ending is yet to be decided but in any case it isn’t going to be an “and they all lived happily ever after” kind of end, and nothing can change that. So if you want a story with a happy ending stop right here. However if you want to find out why the course of this tale can’t be altered and are prepared to peer into the mind of a madman… read on.
Ever heard the saying:”Beware the quiet ones” and asked yourself, “why?”
Have you ever known some one who keeps to themselves, and never speaks unless explicitly asked a question? Have you wondered what goes on in his mind? Well your about to find out but lets not get ahead of our selves here, and take it one step at a time…
Lets turn back the clock to when it all began…
My earliest recollection in life is of a dream, everything is dark and a flame goes from left to right behind something; as the flame moves i see these shapes “V” “I” “C” “T” “O” “R”, Victor
then it goes all black again, then i open my eyes to see the ceiling of my room, i find myself in a crib.
OK this might be a bit to far in the past but from my point of view its “when it all began” but don’t worry ill just point a few thing out as i skip foreword to the actual plot, like that dream, because as i am later to learn it happens to be my name, could possibly be relevant… or not… lets not dwell on that as there are plenty of other plot twists to come.
As a child i often found myself being asked “Why don’t you go play with the other kids?” or “How come you don’t scream and jump and run like the other kids your age?” to witch all i could say was “Why would i want to do that?” the answer i got was: “Its what kids normally do…”
From this i understood that its what was expected of me… but it doesn’t answer my question.
But hey i thought id give it a try and maybe id find out for myself.
Fast forward a few years later and i still have no clear answer to my question but i learned now to mimic the behavior expected of me because i was tired of the pointless questioning witch never yielded any conclusion. The only thing that was clear was that my choices didn’t seem to be categorized as “normal” and so i learned to mimic other children in order to be categorized as “normal” as this somehow seemed relevant.
As you can imagine putting up an image over several years wears on you especially when you don’t see the point for it. By age 10 my patience was wearing thin as i still don’t know why i have to act like this and i still failed to understand any other kid by doing it and thus find myself alone, i found this deeply disappointing but it didn’t bother me so bad since i had my family witch would always be there for me. Or at least that what my parents always said to me… right up to when the got divorced.
Normally a divorce is hard on a 10 year old but this hit me really bad as at that point it was literally everything i had to believe in, with this came my entire world crashing down around me like a house of mirrors hit by an earthquake. I find myself in the shards of the lies that made up my entire life, every last thing i cared about and believed in was a lie.
The pain was so bad that my personality split into a little child struck with grief and myself, shortly after they reconciled and everything seemed like it was going to work out but then they split again and again…
with the forth one being permanent by this time i was 13 and the little child went through all levels of hell and back and had become an animal filled with rage that i had no choice but to confine in a cage.
During this time it became blatantly obvious that it was my moms fault that the marriage fell apart, simply because she is clinically insane, hens depression and hospitalization in a mental institute, witch was about as effective as using a peashooter to tear down a bunker.
Witch is why i chose to live with my dad.
My mom got the apartment in town and my dad got the house outside town.
Now my dad or rather neither of my parents really cared about my academics or school needs. My dad was(or still is) under the impression that all you had to do was show up give a polite “Hello” and you pass.
At the end of the first year of high school(i believe this is the equivalent) i was in danger of failing and having to retake math, i was worried and asked my dad for advice, he told me not to worry and take it easy because they are just bluffing… well i wasn’t convinced but he was the one of us with “wisdom of age” so i gave him the benefit of the doubt. And to my expectation they failed me… when i told him he completely lashed out at me saying stuff like:”HOW THE F**KING HELL DID YOU MANAGE TO FAIL!? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO, YOU IDIOT!?” as if the only failed you if you kill someone or something like that but he was right i was an idiot, for listening to his stupid broke-of-reality advice in the first place, “they are just bluffing they wont mess up your life just like that”. I need to point out that the teachers at my school were broken and failed people that didn’t have any other option but education, they made minimum wage, do you think they give a damn if they messed up your kids future? F**K NO!! Quite the contrary they often failed kids on the edge of passing to drive them to take extra classes where they cashed in. I managed it to year four by myself and then thought to ask my dad for some money for extra classes since i was cutting it close, to witch he replied:”Are you retarded or something?
Those things are only for the stupid and remedial” so your saying I’m the only normal guy in on entire generation full of retards, wow thanks for your confidence in me dad, the retards all have top grades and I’m barely passing but hey, grades aren’t that important, right? Of course not… Well by this point its pretty clear that i can’t rely on my dad as far as my future is concerned so i got a part-time job.
Let me run you through a day of my fourth year during winter:
get up at 4:45 am
leave the house at 5:50 am for the bus stop
arrive at school at 6:50 am(10 min to first period)
school ends at 14:00 pm
go across town to my job
get off at 20:00 pm and catch the bus home
arrive home at 21:00 pm(on good days)
chop wood and build a fire in the fire place in my room so i don’t freeze to death.
By the time i got home i was basically sleep walking, and i once laid down on the bed and fell asleep without building a fire, it was freezing cold in the room that morning and my dad was baffled as to why i didn’t build a fire, well… i dunno… i was kind of hopping you could do it for me during that time of the day when your not sitting on you ass all day and build the one for your room or perhaps i was hopping to get hypothermia in my sleep and didn’t have to worry about getting up in the morning anymore, but now that you mention it i dunno what kind of crazy things i was thinking
(its just a pleasant 7 degrees Celsius in here after all or 44.6 F its not even close enough to get hypothermia, just right for pneumonia tough(witch is treated with penicillin intramuscular shots that hurt or intra venal shots witch didn’t hurt, care to take a wild guess as to witch one i got? heres a hint: the ones that hurt were cheaper.
Well now, i understand the value of money, and that we should not blow it on pointless things, but save it up for thing that are important like buying pigs to slaughter because pork is important and going on vacations, after all, we saved almost o pack of gums worth of money on that deal in exchange for just a little pain, reminiscent of having you leg melted off with chloric acid, so please… those painless ones are for girls, I’m a man i can take it)…)…
guess sleep depravation does that to you, who knew?(these are my thoughts, i just told him that i didn’t think it would be too cold that night with no fire, to witch he goes
“Oh, ok then”).
Threw out my entire high school i just went to class sat at my desk not exchanging any conversation with anyone in the class then left just as swiftly as i came, as for my job i worked at an IT firm and sat in front of a computer most of the time, and as for home, well we had a large house divided in 4 rooms, my dad and his concubine (who is 2 years older then me and with whom i never exchanged a sentence with during the 3 years we lived under the same roof) lived in one room and i lived in a room opposite the entrance so we were technically under the same roof but due to this outlay and the fact that i was only home to sleep, you can almost say i was on my own from the start. I didn’t have anyone to speak to but i didn’t feel the need for one, actually even tough i came home every night in a zombie-like state, for the first time in a long time, i felt accomplished, i felt the satisfaction of staring destiny in the face, smiling and saying “Is that all you got?”(this is the insanity speaking)
Well as i later found out destiny still had some tricks left.
After finishing high school i wanted to go to Germany to get a degree and to start a new life, i applied but was rejected since i didn’t manage to get a language diploma in time, but i didn’t give up since i had this planed out for several years, so i decided to move to my mom in town to find an occupation for a year until i can reapply.
I didn’t have any luck finding an occupation in the middle of this recession, but i did realize something while living with my mom, during high school ,as described before, i was fairly isolated at any one point in time.
That is to say, no one bothered me and i could gather and focus my thoughts an strength, but now my mom is busting my balls every day and this is taking a bad toll on me… well not me… remember the rage monster from earlier? Well it certainly seems to remember my mom.
Up till now it was just sitting in its cage and calming down as time passed despite stress and exhaustion, but it seems that my mom knows how to play that magic tune that taunts this thing, and this is really bad since shes in my face all day and i don’t have any time to calm down and i feel it building up little by little every day till i start to fell a knot in my throat every time she annoys me. Now bear in mind that the only way i know to went is to be alone with my thought and concentrate, but she is disrupting my thoughts like a fog horn every 5 minutes, and no other method seems to work for me, so i find myself in very nasty position and was hopping to out last it, but unfortunately i hit my limit one day and the knot in my throat felt like a damn break, when that happened i instantly lost control of my voice volume and started screaming at the top of my lungs, louder the i ever thought i could be
(up to this point in my life there were occasions where one would threw o fit, but i always managed to remain calm relatively easy. And always spoke in a hush tone, such that if you were not paying attention you would easily miss it).
Now i lost control of my tone and started screaming incoherently after witch everything went red and blurry and all i remember is waking up after a 39 hour nap witch was preceded by smashing everything i could lay my hands on before passing out(heart gave out?). I had to get away and regain control of myself, i believe i was even capable of injuring or even killing someone in that state.
By this time half the year was over and since i had no luck up till then in finding anything to do i gave it up and immediately went back to my dad.
Time slowly passes and i reapply and get accepted this time(this all happens via email, and no one but myself knows about this).
I am about to move to Germany and start a new life and i decide to give my dad one last chance to be a part of it, i told him i all set to leave and asked if he would support me, he didn’t agree(witch is putting it mildly since his reply was a bit more firm and included Nazi references) i take that as a “No”, and with that i said “Well… i guess you made your choice clear… Goodbye” and with that i left for Germany, from that point on i considered myself on orphan since everyone i knew was dead to me.
When i arrived all i had was a small suite case of clothes and what little remained of the money i saved up from my job from witch i managed to get this far in the first place since no one offered me any help.
I found an affordable rent, went to the university and sorted the paperwork, then found a part-time job to finance myself.
This was around this time 2 years ago, i have been living on my own for the past 2 years and this is where i find myself today, September 20, 2012, 22 years old.
During this time i have been attending my courses and doing my job almost in complete social isolation despite being in a big city(are you thinking to yourself:”Hey, i lived a pretty isolated life as well, just how much isolation are we talking here?”, well have you had 4 days in a row of courses+Job+shopping+etc… and not uttered even a single sellable from your mouth the whole time? I have) and it would be longer but i keep bumping into people that go “Hello” and i have to go “Hello” back, you know because that is what someone would “normally” do, anyway in this time i have come to realize(if there was any doubt to begin with) that i prefer solitude and go out of my way to avoid any social activity, the term for this is asocial, not to be confused with antisocial witch is something else entirely, Wikipedia offers a very clear explanation of both terms for those interested.
And while looking up asociality i stumbled upon Aspergers Syndrome and well… if i ever decide to make a Facebook account I’m just going to copy+paste the definition of AS because i can’t even begin to think of a more accurate definition of my persona. Well no wonder i could never connect with anyone. AS is a genetic condition witch is inherited from a parent with psychological problems(do i need to point out witch one is the case here?) So i have my mom to thank for Herpes and AS, wow thanks a lot for these 2 incurable diseases mom, i wonder if this is the end of it or are there more surprises down the line since asociality is often observed in schizophrenia patients, theres some great news.
It just gets better and better the more i uncover, well these are recent discoveries so ill have to see about getting a proper doctors opinion on this matter.
But then again that may not be necessary since my biggest revelation is the simple fact that all i ever truly wanted was to be alone, to live under my own roof with my own rules and just wait for the “end”, well I’ve accomplished this to my hearts content and since it was the only thing i ever wanted to accomplish i fell I’ve removed the only motivation i ever had to live witch was refilling my tank, a tank witch I’ve been running on since i was 13 and ill be 23 in November so I’ve been pushing on my own for 10 years now, 10 years I’ve been walking down the path of solitude with all of the sorrow and trials that come with it, but make no mistake about it i knew right from the start what to expect when i chose this path and if i could go back i would make the exact same choice.
Some may pity me but if any pitting needs to be done it should be done by me for you the social and the antisocial even, i wish you could see the word threw my eyes to see the beauty, elegance and perfect balance of this huge clock we call the universe.
Very few people have this privilege, Einstein and Newton are some of them(they has AS with high probability) they were mid to above average IQ, described as socially awkward and they has very deep interest in their specific fields of research, text book definition of AS. Through our eyes the world makes sense, the only thing we cant understand is you the human element, through your eyes the human element is the only this that makes sense and everything else is chaos. You live life to find out that its not fair, i knew from the start that its not fair but i learned that its always balanced. For example, in a fair world, if a rich man lost some money then a poor man would find it, but this is not reality, however if someone loses money then that money will be found someone, it doesn’t disappear, this is the balance of the world. But i digress from my point…
I’ve been going for 10 years and my tank is empty, not out of exhaustion but out of fulfillment i feel at peace with myself and everything in the universe even my parents, who have succeeded in failing to meet even the lowest expectations i had of them.
I have every reason to hate them yet i don’t, I’ve just come to accept that this is the crummy hand that fate has dealt me in this Poker game of life.
I play the best i could and am fairly happy to say i played a good game even tough all i did was bluff it, but this game is drawing to a close.
I’ve reached my goal, and from here on out everything i do is just to pass the time till the end comes.
If i were to live id finish my degree, get a job, buy my own home where i can await my “end” and possibly face schizophrenia as mentioned above, all of witch are, as mentioned, just things to pass the time, I’m finished with my life now, waiting around for 50 years is not going to make much of a difference. Since i started studying i kept on slowly falling behind it wasn’t a real threat up till now, i qualified for the next semester but the one after that is a big stretch witch i don’t think i can manage, i make no excuse of working, and having to provide for myself, if i really had the conviction i know its within my capacity to finish this degree but i have no more conviction left, because, as mentioned earlier, everything i do from this point on is just to pass the time, none the less i will give it my best(as you can imagine its not that much) but if i fail to qualify for the next semester I’m not a student anymore, if I’m not a student i can’t keep my job, if i can’t keep my job i can’t pay the rent and will end up on the streets in no time. If it comes to that i can just say to everyone here(coworkers, landlord, etc…) that I’m going back, finish all my affairs here, book a flight to somewhere with an active volcano and jump in or go cave exploring with a few sticks of dynamite, that way no one is inconvenienced with my remains, and here is where the path of solitude comes in handy, no one will miss me enough to try and contact me and start to suspect something when they can’t, so there won’t be anyone to grieve over my death, and if i cover my last tracks, its going to be a mystery if I’m still alive or not and ill probably be presumed dead sometime long long after I’m gone. Now if you are sitting there and thinking about putting a stop to this you can, but there is only one single way to do it, find something i overlooked, convince me that I’m not done in this world(let me tell you right now that i thought about this for over a year now and everything i thought of, i came to the conclusion that i don’t care about it enough to motivate me to live any longer). Don’t break your head over this, the only one who could find an argument here has to be at least an mad and insane as me in order to make any sense of this, if that is not you don’t feel bad about it and thank your for taking the time to read this.
And i hope that whenever and however your end comes, be it at your own hand or at the hand of faith, you will have reached the clarity and confidence to walk alongside death to the next life as i have, rather than be anxious, afraid and want to run away from it, because in the end its all that matters, how you were born, how you lived, how you died… that all stays here, everything is taken away from you, the only thing no one can take from you, be they god, devil, angel or daemon is your internal peace because I am god, YOU are god, god is EVERYONE, we all have divinity in us and nothing can change that and if I’m wrong and even that is take from you then it begs the question if there is any point to have any kind of belief?