Yesterday, someone at work mentioned to me that I looked sad and that I could come into their office anytime and vent if I wanted to. She bought me a kit-kat bar to boot to try and cheer me up. I thought I was doing fine hiding my misery but apparently not.
This happens every so often, where I’ll just be so physically tired that I don’t have the strength to “PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP! PUT ON A HAPPY FACE!” I do appreciate the gesture(to some degree) and I wish that I could confide in someone but it’s an exercise in futility; all signs point to death.
When someone points out how gloomy I look, I’m reminded of why I am so. The powerlessness I feel in my daily life, the guilt that drives me to live on through this wasted life; when someone is genuinely nice to me, I’m reminded that I’m a nihilist and not a genuine person at all. The only thing I look to with anticipation is non-existence. I hate controlling this body in this disgusting world. left, right, left, right, left, right till I can’t move this body any longer.
I’m sick of being in such an ass backwards world where people riot and kill because their religious fantasies were brought into the light of reality. I’m sick of taking up the responsibilities of my mother because she’s too stupid and apathetic to manage her own affairs. I’m sick of my five senses and all they offer. I want to go back to nothing, before my mother fucked my dad behind the bleachers on that faithful day. I want to hop in a delorean, head back to 1985 and stab my mother in the uterus 50 times so I wouldn’t end up here on SP typing about it.
Most of all, I’m sick of not being able to appreciate kind gestures from others; I hate being affected by goodness in such an ass backwards way.
2 comments
I understand. I’m almost like a vegetable now, I have no emotion and just sit here. It’s so hard to “act’ like I’m happy now. And I defintiley undeerstand you when you say you basically wish you were never born and how it’s hard to accept the kind gesutres from others. Howcan you, right? When you’re in such a depression how can one appreciate some positivity thrown at them. It sucks, but it’s not an easy thing to just accept
Good vent. I wonder if it would help to play role reversal – go around seeking out anyone else who looks miserable and buying them kit kats.