wanting to die…

i feel like i am already dead on the inside… its just my body that walks around i feel plain and boring i have been depressed all weekend because i was around my ex i was with friends who tried to cheer me up but it didn’t seem too help i cried at the bowling alley when he put his arm around me… when he asked whats wrong i said “if i told you what was wrong you would think i am fucked up” he did not really try to get an answer out of me after that… but i seem to feel upset around him after all the memories i love him so much and when he does little things that i love about him i smile i feel like he changed me and all i want his him back.. i wish he would read these and see how much it hurts to live my life with out him.. i want him back so badly i love him so much…. i don’t know what to do i am thinking of making another attempt at killing myself…. feeling alone a lot now a days