i am turning 24 next month. i am a single mother. a college student and i work part time. i was an addict a few years ago and have turned my life around. i was raised by my grandarents. my mother is an addict. my father lives a wonderful life an hour away. i live in hell. i have rude grandparents as hard as it is to believe because grandparents are supposed to be nice they yell at me and tell me how lazy i am and how stupid i am how much of a b i am and how much of a sorry mother i am. they constantly demand money from me for every crumb of food i eat they purchased with my food stamp card. they are hoarders and have 11 ( i think was the last count) cats and two dogs. and a roach investation i have begged for members of the family to help me clean and fix this house i have offered hundreds of dollars but no one comes to my rescue everyone just shouts from the sidelines. and i am forced to to live through it and manage what i can. as i have grown older my friends have all drifted apart and the only “family” i knew doesnt exist anymore. not even a hey how are you when we pass each other at the grocercy store. my boyfriend who was so beautiful to me in the beginning my lifesaver my rock. changed my life and helped me into college and get a job. he has changed.. everything is wrong to him. i just dont feel beautiful anymore. i feel fat disgusting smelly with nasty hair and lazy and stupid. i put so much money and time into my appearence. but pretty faces are only good for plastic smiles. and i spend alot of time faking happiness and apologizing for my frizzy hair. everything is knitpicked with him and i cant remember the last time he really kissed me. and not when he was saying bye. my daughter is my only anchor to this world. a beautiful precious five year old. without her i would have never been a legal adult. but sometimes the pain seems almost unbareable. and i feel as if i would only hold her back. that she would be better without me. i have tought her lessons that will carry her through life like never cry in massacara never hit first never pay any attention to their opinions. and she will learn all the other through life. otherwise i just feel like an infectious disease for her. and for anyone i encounted. my loved ones are better without me. im only worried about them being burdened with the funeral. but just a wooden coffin will suit me fine. just leave me to rot because my soul will dance above their heads and i will feel weightless. and happy. always happy. what a beautiful way to live. well in death.
sorry for boring you.
3 comments
From me, a loss of a parental figure at such a young age is brutal, experience is such a great teacher. My emotions are and thoughts can be as well feminine I guess and I still try to understand life and such and the things in between without that one parental figure. Without you, her life will spiral downward so fast like me, depressing and confusion will kick in almost immediately as soon as she gains a grasp of the information. I’m not sure I have any guiding words for you, but to me, the key is probably getting the relationship with your boyfriend on better terms, then getting a job and living by yourself and growing as a family.
Best of luck.
Thankyou so much for the advice and like I said she is the only reason I’m still just because I grew up being tossed between households and I know how it feels to cry at night thinking I was never loved and begging for answers. And I want to give her the world. You put it in such simple terms. I wish it was that simple. But with my boyfriend I am constantly apologizing for things that go wrong the simplest of things. And as I have told him I cannot be the only one still trying to be in a relationship. I just feel disrespected and beat down. And honestly frightened to say anything. Just because I’m scared he will get really mad and it will start a fight. And job I have one that I am very good at however because of my school they woot promote me. And hours are decreasing each week. Bills are piling up and moving out is impossible. Because trust me I have looked at every possibility. I just feel like nothing is worth this anymore. I’ve suffered my whole life and now I’m done. I feel like I have tried my best to make the most out of this horrible life I was given and no I’m just really to walk away.
i know how tough it is when you recover from addiction. they dont realize that every little thing is more difficult for you than it is for them. even just getting out of bed to shower can feel like such a task. and you have a child and school and work? its obvious you are the furthest from lazy (considering being a mom is a full time job on its own) and as for granny and pappy, they love you in their own weird old fashion ways. but dont take every little thing they say to heart. i know its easier said than done, but they are only words in the end. do it for your child. dont let em feel the way you feel. you just might be their only hope.