10 years of wanting to die.

In 2002, I was in 8th grade, and that was the first time I started thinking about killing myself. It’s also when I started hurting myself. Things got a little better in high school, so I was just self mutilating day-to-day. Then as a senior in December of 2006 I ate a shit ton of aspirin, and ended up in the hospital after my first real suicide attempt. My favorite part was when I got home and my step mom asked me if I was ‘stupid or something’, because ‘everyone knows’ that aspirin is a blood thinner and actually makes you more jittery and awake, so the whole ‘falling asleep’ sort of death didn’t work out. That was nice. Trying to die, then coming home to being called an idiot.

That turned me off for awhile, on account of the fact that I didn’t like being called an idiot, or failing. I don’t know how much that experience matters to where I am right now, in this moment. Maybe I just needed to be reminded about how humiliating it is to come home after a failed suicide attempt. Maybe it will be different now, I don’t know.

So since then, the idea has come and gone, that maybe suicide would be awesome. I feel so silly thinking about it, but isn’t that part of it? The fact that I live in a society where if a 23-year-old says they’re thinking of killing themselves, instead of a hug or talking about it, they’re called a ***** and laughed at, never taken seriously for just wanting to talk for ONCE about something besides someone else.

So in the last six months it’s been on my mind again. REALLY been on my mind. To a point where I told my boyfriend, who just said I’d ‘be fine’, and then changed the subject. Awesome job, everyone.

My life seems to be getting worse. At least when I was 17 I didn’t have to deal with the real world. Now, I have a shitty job. I just got out of a shitty job that turned me into a drunk and an angry person. I tried going to school, but I’ve already dropped a class. I can hear my step mom calling me stupid again. I can hear everyone calling me stupid. School isn’t for me, and it shouldn’t have to be. Things seem to be getting harder as I go through life, shouldn’t they be getting easier? Why stay alive when things are getting worse, more chaotic, more difficult…more…everything.

It’s hard to write about this. I’m anonymous right now, and I don’t have to read any bad comments from here. But I’m so used to being mocked for thinking about suicide. Maybe my life isn’t the worst, but I haven’t had it easy. Not like I’m going to re-tell that again here. You people don’t give a shit about my shitty childhood, and whatever else. You’re here to tell me to stay on topic, to only wanna die if I have a “REAL” reason, to stop wasting your time bitching about my shitty job. “We all have shitty jobs!” I can hear you saying “And we’re not thinking about killing ourselves, you *****!”

Well I’m not you. I feel differently, and think differently, and I have different weaknesses, different handicaps, and I refuse to be judged for it. I know millions of people have worked shitty jobs while going to school full time, cleaning up the house, making dinner, and blah blah blah. You think I’m whiny? Then don’t come to a fucking suicide webpage blog or whatever this is.

The point is….I feel alone. I feel alone, like no one else understands me or even wants to help me. I feel stupid for still mutilating myself. It’s been a decade. For nearly half my life, I’ve been a cutter and a suicide-enthusiast, and honestly? It’s not getting any better. People are less supportive than ever. People are more judgmental than ever. At least when I was 16 and angsty, I had other 16-year-old angsty friends who were going through what I’m going through. Now I just have people who tell me to shut up and deal with it.

I’m tired of “dealing” with it. I’m tired of thinking like this. I’m tired of the thoughts that plague me. I’m tired of hurting myself, and the judgmental population around me. I’m tired of my shitty job, AND I KNOW YOU ARE TOO. I’m tired of the idea of school. I’m tired of saying “I am SO tired…” tears welling up in my eyes, and one of my stupid friends saying something like “I knowwww! I’m totally having a Starbucks craving!” No, you don’t understand. I’m tired, and I’m tired of being tired. I just want it all to be over with. I want to stop thinking about money, and success, and whatever the fuck else. I was to stop being judged and I just want all this bullshit to stop.

Most of all, I want to end a decade of suicidal thoughts. I thought it would get better, but 10 years later, it’s only worse. What’s the point?