It has been almost a year…
Since I lost the man I love.
Since he gave up.
Since my daughter lost the father she never got a chance to meet.
 Since he shot himself.
I was six months pregnant with his only child.
She is perfect.
She looks just like him.
But he won’t ever know that.
He is gone.
He has been gone for nine months and twenty-nine days.
It feels like it has been centuries.
I watch the one video clip I have of him just so I don’t forget his voice.
I’m the kind of person who had a great childhood. I wasn’t abused or molested. My family loved me and even though I was kind of weird, I had friends. I was content with my life. But, then, in sixth grade, I discovered that I had a gluten intolerance. Then, everything went downhill.
I discovered self-harm as a seventh grader. I started scratching myself with paperclips. I thought it was normal because it seemed that that was how everyone else dealt with their problems. It was “cool.”
I don’t really remember eighth grade, but about halfway through my freshman […]
Okay, so nearly six months ago, I was extremely lucky to find an awesome girlfriend. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, caring, the lot. But, she has a few major shortfalls. One: she can’t deal with my depression or bi-polar very well at all. Two: she shuts down when I try to talk to her (I.E. she tries incredibly hard to either swap topic or turn it into something else) and three: she doesn’t like the fact that I smoke (she fucking hates it more than I hate me).
Anyways, I very rarely see her these days because her schoolwork is absolutely ridiculous. She’s only in year […]
Eleven years. It’s been eleven years since I’ve had control over my emotions. Since I have felt any sense of normalcy or joy.
Medication after medication. None of them have worked.
Electro shock therapy. Gave me six months of relief before I relapsed, and my psychiatrist is convinced that the habits and anxiety and addictions that I never used to have before the ECT would have happened anyway. When I went through the treatment, I had no memory of anything for months straight. I forgot how to drive, where I was half the time, and each session was nightmarish.
Speaking of my psychiatrist, since I’ve started seeing him, […]
My story THERE IS ALOT TO READ SO GET COMFORTABLE and I wish I could give all those people who read the whole thing a damn cookie or something for their efforts!
Right from the beginning my childhood was far from ideal. My mother was a drug addict and gave no affection or encouragement that I can remember.
I never met my father until later in my childhood, he also turned out to be a scary looking toothless drug addict and acted like he knew me far too well which didn’t sit well with me at all.
When I was born I had two older brothers, […]
It’s just before 12pm. Â I have only just woken up and I wake up today looking at life like it’s a curse. Â What is the point of living life? Â (Not in a suicidal state of mine). Â I lay here thinking to myself how hard it is to get out of bed to get to the shower or to get downstairs to eat breakfast. Â So I just lay here for longer. Â It is now 1pm. Â I have decided to get up and start going on with my day to day jobs. Â I was meant to go out today but I don’t want to leave the house. […]
Hi, I’m 12 years old and in the 7th grade. I have never tried to commit suicide but I have considered it. I just want it all to end sometimes, but sometimes I look around and think, “Why would I want to die? There’s so much to live for.” I started cutting about two months ago, but got addicted fast. I didn’t realize it at first. I thought I was in control and I wasn’t. Finally I thought, “This is stupid. I’m done with this.” I managed to not cut for all of 24 hours, then I couldn’t stop myself anymore and cut again. I […]
I have been clean of cutting for seven months. Seven. I am very proud of that, so freakin proud of it, but there’s just one factor. I want to cut. I have stayed silent for seven months, I have tried something new for seven months, feeling happy about the fact that I am clean, but the want is there and it will always be there. And since I am now living with my father for the rest of my teen life, I am freaking out. Over here, we can’t cut, we can’t get angry, we can’t get sad, we can’t do what we want with […]
(I apologize in advance for venting like this.)
I have been binge eating for six months straight, and I’ve gained so much weight. I now weigh almost 80 pounds. I know that’s still really underweight, I know I shouldn’t weigh 60 or 70 or even 80 pounds – I’m an adult for fuck’s sake. But it doesn’t matter how hard I try to look at things rationally and objectively… I swear I look like I weigh twice what I do, and I’m so fat and bursting with so much self-loathing that I can’t stand it anymore. I’m never going to see myself […]
I noted a reply to one of my earlier posts that stated I was not actually talking about committing suicide immediately or maybe that was never my intent at all. To this I reply, if you were around on the Suicide Project six to twelve months ago you would not think that. The only reason I did not finish the job was because I was evicted from my home of 20 years because I had lost my job and became broke very fast.
Prior to becoming homeless last April, I had my Final Exit all planned out and was only waiting for the best time…for me.
The […]
I dont even know where to start my first and only love of 14 years, dropped a bombshell 4 weeks ago that he had been cheatin on me for six months and was leaving me and the two kids. I feel betrayed, lonely, hurt and empty. He was my best friend and we were planning our lives together and he just left and i dont understand why I wasnt enough and how he could just stop loving me after all these years. I know i sound weak and moany and should just pull myself togetrher because people are goin through worse but i just cant. I […]
I am a twenty-one year-old who most recently spent 9 months putting together my suicide after many failed attempts since the age of twelve. I attended the Menninger Clinic and my life has changed drastically. At the end of the months it will have been six months without making serious suicide plans. After my release from the hospital I began a blog. For myself, but for others too. It shares my story, because I realized that I was not alone. By sharing my story, and sharing that I made it through the darkness, you might see some similarities and come to discover that you can […]
Yesterday my boyfriend told me that he wanted to break up with me because he refuses to stay with me if he goes 6 hours away for college. We’ve been together for two years and he won’t listen to anything I say.
I raided his medicine cabinet and I took all of the pills I could find. I’ve been throwing up for 18 hours and can’t eat or drink anything. I’m so dehydrated. When I drink anything, I vomit. I can’t stop sleeping but I needed someone to hear me in case I pass.
My parents have never listened to me. My problems have always been written off. […]
In 2002, I was in 8th grade, and that was the first time I started thinking about killing myself. It’s also when I started hurting myself. Things got a little better in high school, so I was just self mutilating day-to-day. Then as a senior in December of 2006 I ate a shit ton of aspirin, and ended up in the hospital after my first real suicide attempt. My favorite part was when I got home and my step mom asked me if I was ‘stupid or something’, because ‘everyone knows’ that aspirin is a blood thinner and actually makes you more jittery and awake, […]
I laughed the loudest, who’d have known?
I took my time, I hurried up. The choice was mine I didn’t think enough.
I’m too depressed, to go on. You won’t be sorry when I’m gone.
I never thought, I’d die alone.
Another six months, I’ll be unknown.
Give my things, to all my friends. You’ll never set foot in my room again.
I have tried just about everything. I started trying when I was seven years old and have not been successful this far. I am 42 and am in chronic pain. My health is failing which as you could imagine makes one very depressed. As for the gun shot I didn’t try it myself my brother did it for me. At seven I received a gun shot directly into the eye and spent six months in the hospital. I lost an eye over it and a lifetime of pain. Today my health is failing because of the damage that gun did to me all those years […]
I am not perfect. I have many regrets. I have the scars to remind me of my mistakes. I knew a boy in middle school. He was 10 and had beautiful hair. When we were in high school he overdosed. Six months ago, I went to visit my family. I saw my uncle as I was getting ready to go swimming with cousins. He wanted to talk but I told him I had to go. I took a picture with him, went swimming, came back home. A week later he hung himself. 5 days ago my friend put a gun to her head and killed […]
For the past six months I’ve been strugling with severe problems in my life. The main reason was breakup with my girlfriend after 3 years. Since the breakup I havent slept more than 5 hours a day, I don’t even go out anymore (in fear I might see her) and overall I’ve isolated myself from the outside world and things got so far I’ve been inches away from commiting suicide, however there came a point where things started to go more positive; me and ex talked about the breakup and deicided that it’s best for both of us if we just stay friends, I’ve got […]
Hey Everybody!
So…here I am again. Don’t really have anyone to talk to. Usually I don’t want anyone to talk to, but that makes it hard for those times when I need to talk to someone. I stopped seeing my therapist about six months ago; I lost my job and I just couldn’t afford it anymore. I see my psychiatrist about every month-and-a-half. He doesn’t say much. I take whatever he prescribes, and I think it helps a little. I don’t like him. I’m going to have to borrow money to pay for my next refill. I’ve got insurance but there’s a copay.
I need to make […]
Hi, so I have not posted in six months or more….I want to say that things can get better. My life has turned around and I did it without meds and therapy. I have a stable job (they love me) and an agent wants to read my manuscript. It is night and day for me. I am so glad that I stuck it out, day by day even just three months ago I was still pretty hopeless. But here is the difference, I’ve read about the link between mood and creativity. It is not my fault. Yes, life […]
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