Been on SP chat a lot. New faces everywhere… Sorry if its long, this’ll keep you occupied for a while

If you want my past look at previous posts.

I choked a lot and now its really making me forget, I’m gonna try to not do it anymore though. If I can since I don’t want to end up brain dead yet. Or forget any more of my memories, its hard enough trying to remember shit. I noticed that Stacey girls post and thought “the desperate teens are here” and its crazy how media fucks us up. I am fascinated with guns and really wanna join the army. There are girls blackmailing their boyfriends cuz they are leaving and getting themselves pregnant to stay together forever. That is a stupid idea, sorry to day and if you find offense to this then buzz off because I am on a rant now,,,

That post just angered me and I’m having mood swings because I’m easily influenced emotionally and mentally by anything like media, writings and tv shows or even music. If i watch a show with detectives and investigations I start observing crap and wondering about that stuff. That is among the ways i end up feeling different. Could be that I’m bipolar. I get obsessed with the idea of love just like some people and i think I have OCD in some shape or form due to it. I got obsessed with Nycolle before and then with my cousin.

I am having trouble remembering things and I’m very confused due to my choking habit. You see, I’m not restricting the passage of oxygen into my lungs, but oxygen enriched blood into my brain causing quick blackouts and making me forget. I have a very odd form of slef harm or a means of coping. I use my hands since i fear that if i use a rope or shoelace or whatever it may hold me for too long and worse consequences may occur.

You may notice in a paragraph or two that I may end up having a brainfart and not know what to say and end it there because thats a side effect of it. Possibly…

I would like to see a psychologist but my fear of not being able to join the US military keeps me from doing that. I fear they would check my medical records and find that I am not suited for the military. If only if I had a means of coping then I could go on with ease hopefully. I want to take medication but I fear being alone in the world and dont want to be stuck living in my parents house for years and years. Military service will give me experience, show me if i truly want to pursue a militant career, give me training that can get me into PMCs, help pay for college, and give me time to think about the rest of my life. Oh and also the idea of someone trying to make sure im dead is a better alternative than failing a suicide attempt out here.

I need to get a girlfriend because i have days when i feel deep sadness and depression or some other feeling where I’m VERY lonely and wish to physically be with someone. I flirt on the internet or texting people I don’t know but its only a small means of coping. I even had flirted with other SPers and one has fallen for me for the second time. That makes me fearfu as my OCD will cause me not to want her because she’s not skinny enough or pretty enough…

I believe that if I wasn’t so anxious around girls, I would be an asshole with many different girlfriends over a few years… I don’t like my current mindset, thoughts, emotions and all that.

Just to help you understand, I don’t think I’m suicidal as of current. I accept death as it seems like the perfect idea since I’m too fucked up to get better. Worst part is a part of me really does not want to get better at all. I feel that i want to have different disorders under my belt as if they were trophies on a wall. To show I’m more fucked up than anyone else, and possibly to show that it is very hard for me to get better…

I understand I can only make myself better by trying but I lack any motivation to do so. I am the rock in my path and its not easy to get myself out of the way… since its always in front of me keeping me in place. Bad analogies i know

Anyways I have been on SP chat and I had kind of lied to people hoping I would believe that I had split personality disorder and end up having it cuz im so into the idea of brainwashing myself. I might be a compulsive liar like the rumors about oancu have come up…

I wanted to believe that Rogue Shadow was my cynical, intelligent, and pessimistic. He is the depressed side of me. Theres another side thats happier, he’s dull though and he has faith in humanity, but he knows the dark side of it. Too bad I’m pretty sure its a lie. Anyways I still get bipolar in that sense I just aint in any psychology classes and diagnose myself wrong. Maybe I am a bit of a hypochondriac…

I don’t know if some of this isn’t making sense since I am confused as well but would love some comments. Don’t ask me to hold on longer, because that’s what I’m doing and since I was 12-ish it hasn’t really helped all too much! So thanks for listening people…

I’m 17, senior in high school, Ventura high school, California.