I haven’t posted in awile as i don’t like bothering people about my proplems but if I could get any advis i would greatly aperachate it.My “down fall” of this year and my recent mental breakdowns have made me result to an almost errrie feeling i used to have when thouse thoughts enter your head.You know the one’s that weigh you down and the one’s they clame antidepressents can help with but even i myself amit i’am no role moddle for having a 215 medical marajuanna for my depression and isomia.
I guess i’ll start with October 27th of last year becouse that’s when I first started seeing signs and trubbles with my life.I started smoking weed before that just to sleep becouse of the late night shifts and back-2-backs.24-hour resturanuts run nonstop and even now i miss the glory of having a job.No i diden’t lose my job for anything drug related but becouse of favertisuem.Afound October of last year a girl who’s name i kept annoymis to everybody got employed and my place of work.This girl,this young adult,and soon to be parent,is and has been my crush since high school though i never told her.I would’ve felt improper for doing so as she has never been available and i’am not one to steal anouther’s girlfriend or be the guy she cheats with,i’am just not that way.I mean how would you feel if your partner cheated on you serinero kicks in with anybody.Anyways,surprisionally to me she goes out of her way to say hi to me and wonders when my days off are.For me it’s a rareacy becouse of my history of being bullied and tricked over the years as a child in elemtuarry school and hanging with the wrong crowed as we tend to do.She became my foaces from that point on.My main priotery.My world.
Late night grave yard shifts weren’t so borring or depressing as they were and we got time to talk on and off and i could tell i still had feelings for her.That was when i found out she had a boyfriend whom later started working with us months later around january.I was invited to her 22nd bithday but had to decline due to my grandmouther on my mom’s side passing away.Ironicly a year later after a friend of mine commeted suicide on the same date except my grandmother died of a stroke and passed away peacfully.Two weeks before she did I was staying up on late nights smoking weed trying to sleep and we often had tea together at night.Time i spent with her that i wish i had more of but negleated.Somthing that bothered me the secoent thime i got drunk on jack danelles,denting a pizza pan and shooting five bullets with my pellet riffel in my stuido aparment celling.Drinking for me is a “on-and-off” wich i’ve only been doing since my 21st birthday.That girl and me went to a local bar a few times and talked to me most of the time insted of her boyfriend wich i belived brought an end to it.When that ended we would often watch a movie together and eat at our work place across the street and she always paid for everything.She would ofter get angery if i did of atempted to and clam if i did she would have her boyfriend beat me in some video game.Seems like alot of people afr into that these days but,with me,I grew up waisting my childhood on video games and I am finding it harder for me to redo me old addication.
Looking back on it she propley liked me as well.Watching a film in the theater is a raracy for me as I usullly can never afford to do so and the prices i belive are overpriced.I wish i could live in thouses moments again with her.On april 23rd i was the 1st person she told was pregnaient.My heart sank and the relization sank in that i could never be with her as she dosen’t belive in adopations.I remember seeing her cry afterwords and i told her everything was going to be ok but after i got off i wasen’t.I felt an all-time low again,somthing i haven’t felt since i was in my early teens.That night i went to the bar i had my 21st bithday at as they know me so i diden’t have to I.D. for a drink or two and after awile begain to feel the lingering weight of failure.The sudden smack of reality hitting me that i’am a failure at my age.Normal people don’t act like me or have the proplems i do.Normal people are “happy’ with there life’s and the simple little things in life.a few weeks before a friend of mine moved away to his home town and he was the longest friend i ever had in my life.In time he became my adoupted older brother and got me into the music i’ve been looking for such as grunge,meal,ska-punk,hardcore punk,and guitar.Ofter after work at least once or twice a week we would hang out eather playing a video game of lission to such bands such as The Clash,Black Flag,and Lighting Blot and of course smoked weed being the 1st time i smoked with a non family member.I purchioused his bass guitar and dispite the fact he moved he have kept commuation with me via cellphone.
Anyways,with me being friendless,my grandmother passing,droping out of high school,and the fact that she,what i felt/feel “soal mate” is going to have a baby struck me all at once.I remember thinking “i’am in my early 20’s and i can’t belive i don’t have anything to look forward to anymore”.I remember texting my mom and letting her know where i was at as she worries.A place she dissaproves me of going to on and off but i always sat by myself.On the way out my mom’s friend noticed me and has shown signs of liking me but I wasen’t going to get involved with as she’s married but was hanging out with her room mate,a lesibaion I’ll use the name “sindy” for her as annomious.I will amit that my mom’s friend is atractive and she’s into music which sells me instantly for some reason.Somthing since I discovered Breaking benjamin in 2004 and Nirvana last year.The maine insperations to me playing guitar along with Zack wild.I’ve turn to music varry well depinding on my mood but playing guitar is different than thinking you can just play a cover by picking it up with one strum.Anyways,”Sindy”and me continue talking and we walk to her place and she gives me a ride home and litterly the wole conversation is what i think about in my spare time.Like history for examlpe of all the civil wars and battles we’ve done for “peace”.”Sindy” and i begain hanging out 2 to at least 4 times a week watching movies,plaing video games,and lissioning to music and hanging out.She’s a lesipion wich i had nonthing against as a friend of mine is gay and that fact being she was my parents woulden’t freak out if she was straight.Her ex-wife devorced her and took their kid with her and after awile found that she was concerderd a 51/50 wich i never heard of but i diden’t care becouse she was my friend.We went to drive in’s trying to hit on girls or getting phone numbers,in bars,or the beach,just to kill time.
Over time rummers begain to spread like us dating and having sex wich we both knew wasen’t true becouse we were just friends and as this is going on i was working over-time days six days a week for 3 months straight.June-Augest this year.On Augest 8th my parents returned from there trip to my mother’s inhearded proptery after her mouther passed but neather her nor my fauther had an income and were falling into dept.A argument between finanical aid for my parents and me exchanged into me atempting to walk away and him holing me on a chouch and him telling me to calm down when i was preparing to leave.The fact that i was the now”bad guy” becouse my dad phyically graped me because i had a “attuide’ caused me to get drunk and call “sindy”.This is somthing I should’ve seen coming and been prepared for but drinking causes you to ack differently around people.Aperently,when i got drunk i called her for a ride home eich i remember up to a point to where she said her place was closer so i remembered agreeing to it.I remember on the 9th i woke up laying in a sleeping bag nude on a chouch in her living room with my clothes scartered everywhere.I remember feeling fear and anoxiady zip through my entire body of what happend and how i got where i’am at.I haven’t spoken to her since but have texted on and off and at first diden’t want to belive that we had sex and the sting of knowing i wasen’t somthing i valued for my wife some day.Somthing she amited only a few days ago dispite the fact she’s not pregaunt is a relif to me but i belive i’ve contacted somthing i’ve been keeping a secret since.Towards the end of Augest on the 20th was my final day at work where i droped a plate on the cooks line lead to me being fired and since unemployed.
The girl i love is having her baby in 63 more days and i feel i need to tell her i love her and wish i could be there for her whenever she needs anything but due to my unemployment i begain to see her less and less and rarley hear from her.”Sindy” isen’t a close friend anymore as i feel used but blame myself for drinking,and my parents for miss understanding.I now sit around watching wrestling videos,anime,and movies playing computer and video games,playing guitat,and smoking weed.No real job interview or atempt to improve and change.The only reason why i’am posting is becouse my parents want me to seak counsling and theripy and i don’t know how i am going to be able to do that.I know i need help but i’am so afraid to ask._Broken Dreams