Here we go again. I am in a deep mess of emotions right now, it is hard to describe it but being mad is alright for today. Just for today. I have been happy for a couple of weeks, really happy. It was unbelievable.
We got drunk yesterday again, i feel lame because of it. I just remembered the scene of me crying in front of the screen watching sth on youtube, it was just a disguise for the reasons that really drove me to tears. Anyway this person i like, my best friend saw me and tapped me on my shoulder and left. I could not believe that he did what he did and he did so many terrible things this summer most of them were including hurting me. but i guess he didn’t notice that and is not seeing it as a problem now. It was the first time he saw me crying. When i am with him i never cry well that changed. I hate him, i feel better when i say that even though that doesn’t change my situation. So i ran away from the apartment and just kept running while repeating: I hate you, i hate you so much!
i thought i can forgive him but i saw it yesterday i can’t. i can’t look at him without seeing him with my sister. The same goes for her, but she is my sister, right. This such a crappy situation. There goes my happy person. I wish i didn’t find out, i like living a lie. Because i am now this person who can’t trust a single soul, i mean i can’t after what has happened. I want somebody good by my side but the reasonable part of me is fighting so badly playing the pictures of my best friend kissing my sister on repeat. Of course it makes me sick, sick of weird situations and bad people. but we are all bad, some more, some less. I wonder in which category am I?
i am not sad i just ..i don’t know what. i don’t like anyone right now.