On Sunday I moved into my first apartment so I can be closer to my college. The apartments are set up like dorms so I got a roommate and its actually working out great. We’re very alike. I’d say we’ll get along just fine. And then I can’t help but think there is something else that will have to go wrong in my life for this to work out because my life is never just fine all the time. I’m hoping it can be something small.
I made brownies for us yesterday. Nutella brownies to be exact. And when I was pulling them from the oven the back of my hand rested against the burning hot rack. It only hurt for a moment. Then it just stung a little the rest of the day. When I woke up the sting was gone and there was a nice brownish skin that had formed over the burn and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed. That burn was supposed to hurt and keep hurting. It was supposed to last. I, for a seemingly obvious reason, felt that I needed to feel that burn. So I ripped the skin off the top and let it burn. It burned like hell after that and it just felt right. I think I needed that burn because I wanted it to be that one small thing that would go wrong. But I have the feeling that theres still something else.
Another small sleep night. Woke up, still dark, stare at computer, somehow forget everything. Yeah, right… I can’t even dream a little.
I also hate cloudy wheather, I feel heavier.
I think I’m going slightly mad…
I remember stuff from the past, Like at 17-19 when I was with too much tension I would just go for very long walks walking extremely fast.
One day I was just walking back and forth in my room at parent’s and I couldn’t take it. It’s all pain, it’s all pain. So sneaked out when they were asleep and roamed the dark streets.
Sometimes I walked miles to a club when a certain cover’s band was playing.Â A few kms. I was so fast. Didnt make a difference. I wouldnt get tired easily then. I swam a lot as teenager.
I knew the streets and avoided “pitfall” spots although i’would pass right next to trouble. Nothing ever happened. I walked with eyes on my back.
Sun is better for you, but there’s something about the dark. The dream-like… To save money right now i dont turn on the lights at night in my apartment actually. Light entering from windows is enough. The dream-like…
I was always alone. Some at the club noticed the pattern, of course. The guys from the cover band sometimes stared at me (who’s that poor fucker?), one time the waitress got my drink wrong, to correct it she payed for a new one for me with a smile. Nice indeed, but was pity driven as well.
Sometimes I walked to the top of an enourmous isolated hill staring at river and ocean. I liked that spot. Went there at sunset a lot, reading. Horses and rabbits could be spotted. Eventually buildings started to get up near the place and that was it…
Walks at night included going to wooded mountain where there’s an old castle and palace as well. A famous place here. I would catch the last train, with some risk, and went up up. One time walking near the trees but close to and following the road up, one car passing by hit the breaks abruptly, the passengers freaking out: “it’s a ghost!”.
There’s something mysterious about walking on woods at night. Yes, Im aware its weird, but im not superstitious despite what imagination makes you see at night (trees have faces for sure). I had enough will power then.
I would also catch the last bus to other side of the river, catched the very last fluvial boat and walked to the beaches. One night iÂ remember walked straight 8 hours through the sand, catched transport to get home at morning, open door, father shows up “what are you doing?” “im going to school now”. Went out again to get back later to rest.
Hey, i had something in me to be caracterized as a potential psycho killer, right? There’s was something seriously wrong with me! Poor me I needed a mental insitution. Not indoctrinated enough! Fit in or die!
Actually there was just too much tension and coudlnt sleep. Just keep the body moving… What’s the meaning in things, what’s the meaning?…
I was a kid in pain that’s all.
But i had energy back then, now i’m just a mental and physical wreck. Slowly getting worse. Poison dissolving me slowly inside…
you look at my life, seems calm and cozy. i have a well balcenced life with exersise and friends. got ski racing and cadets. From a birds eye view it looks as if Â i have the near perfect life not just from other people but i think so to but im just so sad. my life is overrun in my mind i gotta think what to do next for cadets so the head officer wont give me shit. But he does any way no matter how hard i try. he tell me to do a list of things i need for next week. usaully saying polish boots,hem pants,iron rhis and iron that. so i do and the first thing he does is give me a new list. so you think just quit cadets, but i want to be in the uk air force. the pain is to strong to bare so im probly going to quit anyway. the thing that makes me so a grinched is that evrey time i try somthing i dont finish it. you name it evrey time i do anything it leads to me giving up because i cant handle it. the list is from minisculle things like drinking tea to more big things like ski racing or cadets. this is an ongoing problem for me. it all started two years ago when my parents first divorced i lived with my mom for the first year in an apartment. evrey night i would go to the balcony edge for like two hours and just sit there thinking if i should jump or not. this went on with no concern from me or my peers because i never thought any thing of it. so i moved into my dads house bin there for three years and all this shit came back. it was about half a year ago sometime in march it all came back with a vengence. i mean like evrey minueut it was kill that or hang now and so on and so on. it didnt go away i just got used to it. used to having evrey ten mineuts of my life trying to kill myself. until about june 2013 i develpled scrizofrienia and a siezer sydrom so i saw a counsuler told her what i told you and she said i need to go to bc childrens hospital straight away. so i went the doctor said is this that about divorce and i told them i hate my mom and she was never part of my life anyway. the docter went into the other room and though that i was fucked. after three days got out went home tried it again didnt work. so my usuall day of sucide attemps evrey ten mineuts played out unit late august 2013. i remember the i got cadets so im going to tell my dad that that i cant do it same thing with ski racing. i feel more realeved that im going to tell him. then thought to myself ive never finished any thing cant even go to school so what the point of always being disapointed because i dont have the mental strength to do anythin why dont i just give up on life for real no half trying to kill myself if i dont get any support whether its on this page or not in two weeks ill go dowm town vancover and jump of the canada pacific building. please to anybody on my post i just did this to see if anybody could give me a legit soullution. ps god forgives all sin so as long as im prepared iâ€™ll go to heaven.
I thought I would be okay, but in three day’s time, I had another accident.
A few days ago, I slit my wrist up. Never deep enough to kill, but just enough sting to get the point across. I padded it up and wrapped an ace bandage around it, claiming I just sprained it. No one at work questioned it, my boyfriend didn’t say anything outright about it. It’s hard to keep things from him though. So I told him. He grabbed my wrist and took a glance. He said my name, which sounded so… Off. It doesn’t feel right when he says it. It hasn’t for a while. I digress.
So we found ourselves sitting on the balcony of our apartment, my razors in hand; one slightly rusted razor blade that I had stolen from work (I wonder if they ever noticed I was stealing the blades?) and one from a child’s pencil sharpener. I tossed them into the grass below us.
Well so much for that.
I found another blade.
Today we were supposed to go to his grandparents’ for his grandma’s birthday. It started at 3:30 and I was still at work at 3:20. So I text him, telling him he could go ahead and leave, hoping that he’d say no. That he’d stay with me and we could go together. He says “Okay, meet you there” and leaves. I pass him on my way home.
So there I found myself alone (which is never good). I found myself alone with the razor.
And it happened.
I don’t think I’ll ever get better…
This time he won’t find out because they’re on my legs and I’m keeping my mouth shut. I have to suffer in silence. He won’t notice them unless we get intimate (and that’s never, which has a huge impact on my self-esteem and why I hurt myself. Silly I know, but it happens nonetheless.).
I don’t know what to do anymore…
And I’m scared it’s just going to get worse.
For the last 6 months I’ve been suicidalâ€¦
If I ever commit suicide there are a couple of things I want to accomplish firstâ€¦
1 become a professional artist (right now I draw in an anime/manga style really good
2 fall in love (once) maybe twice if Iâ€™m luckyâ€¦
3 go to Japan (maybe Tokyo or Kyoto, or Osaka or HokkaidÅ)
4 Become Atheist or Christian (currently Iâ€™m an agnostic theist and kind of Buddhist)
5 earn some money
6 buy a motorcycle or a nice car
8 maybe rent an apartment (a really nice one)
9 become healthy (have a healthy heart, have a healthy mind)
10 â€˜attemptâ€™ to kill myself first and see if I really want to commit suicideâ€¦
I probably wonâ€™t even complete half of the things on this list Iâ€™m trying to learn Japanese but sometimes itâ€™s really hard to learn a new languageâ€¦Iâ€™m still not 100% sure if god exists and not completely atheist either but I think Iâ€™ll become atheist sooner or later â€¦ I might kill myself before I complete even 1 thing on this list there are a couple of ways I would kill myself
1 drink a lot of alcohol (get alcohol poisoning)
2 shoot myself in the chest or stomach area (internal bleeding)
3 smoking (anything)
4 sleeping in a car with the a/c on
5 get people so mad at me that they would want to kill me or hurt me
6 try playing with a vicious dog or wild animal (try hugging a lion)
7 try swimming in crocodile infested waters
8 get like 300 sleeping pills and try to take them all
9 cut myself then take some pills that thin out your blood (like aspirin)
10 start insulting someone who is very violent and aggressive
Note: I was only serious about 1, 2,3,4,8 and 9 Iâ€™m not serious about the rest â€¦
I won’t kill myself now because I don’t have enough ‘material’ to kill myself and I want to start high school first
I’m still not sure if I want to go to Japan I mean I think it’s an awesome place but I should just try to forget about it cause I don’t know Japanese…
I really tried to trust god but I just ended up not believing in him anymore since I felt so alone
it’s Â about time to end this all
Lately it seems like everything is falling apart. I used to be so into church. God was everything to me. I finally got married to the woman of my dreams. I had a crush on her since i was just a boy. Everything seemed to be going great. We were married on July 28th 2012. Almost a year now. I had a great job, was a member of a wonderful church, and things seemed like they couldn’t get any better. Then i lost my job last December just before Christmas! Everything started to go down hill from there. Things seemed like they were going to get better around tax time. I started working a new job and had got a huge return on taxes. Then i lost that job. We ended up having to move out of the place we were living and moved to another smaller apartment complex. Still with no luck in finding work, things only got worse. Now im stuck here living in my old bedroom with my wife at my moms. We fight all the time. I’m extremely overweight and i dont think people realize how hard it is on me to really do anything. My back hurts so much and i can’t hardly breathe when i get out of the shower. I’m so depressed about my weight. I seemed to have lost faith in God. I prayed and i prayed and i finally got to the point where i just quit praying. It seemed as if no one was listening. Not to mention i am a God-called preacher.Today me and my mom got into an argument. I said and did a lot of hurtful things, but mostly because of how she and my sister and my wife made me feel. They call me lazy and fat and complain that i dont do anything. I weigh over 500 pounds and i feel like no one cares about how i feel. ABout how its so hard to get up and go to the bathroom. I can’t even wipe my own rear end. I have to ask my wife to help me. I just dont feel like living anymore. I’m so tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling like a fat overweight piece of crap. I’m not afraid to die. I know where i will go. But i just can’t stop thinking about how much i dont want to live anymore. I feel like i would relieve so many people if i weren’t around. Then they wouldn’t have to complain about me being lazy and not having a job. I try to pray for God to help me and sttrengthen me, but i dont think he listens to me anymore. Someone please talk to me. Please…..just help me!
Suicide to me 4 months ago seemed like only something I would hear in long hours of health class or something that would never affect me. Living in a small town of about 7,000 people you would only hear things along the line of sporting events or town meetings. Never anything about death. Until March 13th, 2012, I was sitting in the recliner debating whether or not i should go to church that night. I decided not to because I wanted to relax for the night. My step dad and I were watching TV when all of sudden we look outside to see 2 cars pull in our driveway. This was very strange because it was 8o’ clock on a Wednesday night and we lived in the middle of nowhere. While trying to gather all my thoughts my step dad answered the door. There was 2 police officers standing there. They asked for me and some basic information about myself. I honestly thought they were there because of something stupid I did at school. Until I they said the never forgetting words of your father has committed suicide at his apartment this morning. I totally fell where I was standing. I was lost, shocked, and confused. Wondering why my father would take his life and leave his 14 year old daughter. Not ever physically being able to be there for my graduation(s), to walk me down the aisle at my wedding and to just plain never be able to see each other ever again. I needed answers but the terrible thing about suicide is there are no answers. You leave all your loved ones to wonder why, what could i have done, and why me, just because of a selfish act. My father and I hadnâ€™t talked since Christmas because every time I saw him for a few short days or talked to him on the phone he could never put aside his problems and just talk to me. He was always in pain. He was the true definition of depressed now that I have stepped out of my denial stage and see the whole picture. I was left with all the responsibilities since I inherited everything and I was the one to make the choices. Picking out cards, what I wanted to do with his body, funeral plans, everything. From being a care free teen just a short day ago to making all these decision along with grieving my fatherâ€™s death. It has been hardest thing that I have ever had to do. No one should ever be affected by suicide itâ€™s selfish to you and your family. Life is a precious gift and we can’t take it for granted. People do care about you even though you might not think that. If youâ€™re having a bad day realize that the next day WILL BE BETTER. I could not express more on talking to people about your problems and get help. People will listen to you and the pain will go away if you get help. It has affected my life so much and I dearly miss my father. There is not a damn day that goes by that I don’t think about him. If you need someone to talk to I will listen email me at email@example.com. PEOPLE DO CARE!
They say that when jump off a building, before you touch the ground, your whole life flashes before you. Sometimes I want to try and do it. So that I may know if what they say is true. And if it’s true, I wanna know if the life I have been living is a good one.
I am facing a lot of problems lately. I am already at my 8th year in college and still have not graduated. I already have a son but I am not in good terms with his mother. I have a lot of debt; I just been kicked out of my apartment because I cannot pay the rent. Sometimes, before going to sleep, I keep thinking what’s the sense of all this. You’re supposed to live and be happy because you only have one life. But why do I feel the opposite? There is this gaping hole of loneliness in my body that continues to swallow me from the inside.
I am bound to be doomed. Forever shackled by this ball and chain called life. Constantly tormenting me as I continue this harrowing journey. And as I walk aimlessly to free myself from this misery, I sing a plaintive song. Hoping that somehow, someone might hear, and come save me from this unending agony.
I just found out this site recently, and after reading some of the posts, I just felt that I belong. You know, that somehow, somewhere in this cruel and unforgiving world, you have somebody that thinks just like you. And if there is a way that both of you can communicate, you both might be saved.
I used to be so happy especially at school I don’t really get bullied and this year im in year 6 and I really found my true friends I was happiest at school and going to school. I’ve liked loads of guys nothing big just like fake crushes but then I really like this guy called Christian and then there was this little rumour that he like this girl in his class coz he is a year younger but the classes are really close and from what he’s said he doesn’t. but still doesn’t stop my heart from hurting and at home for the last few months things have being getting really bad I have 1 older brother and sister my brothers 16 whom I get along fine with him but my sisters 14 but only 2 years older than me and she just has to get her way or she starts yelling MUM!! DAD!! and its so annoying and she has this way of always making it my fault. I’ve never being close to my dad EVER that did effect me a lot when I was younger at school which caused me to get bullied but not anymore my mumÂ used to be so loving the most wonderful mom but we got to her she just got sick of how rude we were which I understand we were so mean to her but were a lot better now but she’s so mean to me now not like 24/7 but when ever me and my sister fight its always me who has to go or its my fault because im annoying her she thinks that I thinks it funny to annoy my sister but I don’t she just overacts coz she a little lying brat and my mum says im a bully all the time! I haven’t really thought of suicide only a couple of time this last holidays 7 weeks ago when we were staying in an apartment 2 levels from the top and I thought you know if I jump I might be able to get into the pool and it wouldn’t hurt so much I would think that for ages as iÂ stared down over the balcony. one night there my sister and I had this huge fight and of course ITS MY FAULT! my mum started saying I was a little brat and selfish cow and to stop ruining everyone’s holiday which nearly pushed me nearly over the edge or should I say of our balcony! its now week 7 in school and every day seems so boring I haveÂ 2 great friends whom I play with, all the girls in the class are friends coz there’s only 10 of us but some are you know the typical bit#hyÂ type and I don’t really get along with them butÂ everyday I don’t really have anything to look forward to anymore nothing excites me like they used like netball training ,canteen lunch , seeing my friends or my crush it all seemÂ so dull andÂ I feel like I don’t even want to wake in the mornings.
I dunno. Life man. I’m so burnt out on this shit. In the past I made a lot of mistakes and now they are finally catching up with me. I have never been happy, but I try. When I was younger I was the fat kid and everybody picked on me. So I had no friends. Then I went to college, did a bunch of drugs, and ended up in a psyche ward. I got my shit together after that and went back to the university. Then I met a girl. Well, I loved her, she loved me, and it all turned to shit. She found somebody better. So then I was alone, and I went back to drugs and drinking heavily, which lead to heroin. Well, I quit all that now. But I’m so empty. So vacant and low. I don’t like what I am studying and I don’t understand society at all. I have no friends and I can’t communicate with people easily. I see a shrink, but you know, docs just toss meds at you and tell you how you’re supposed to be. I’m tired of it all. All I want to do is play my guitar and read books. But no, I’m going to school and learning shit I don’t care about. It kills my soul. I can’t make friends. I haven’t had a girlfriend for several years and shit I mineswell be a monk I haven’t been laid for a year. I guess that isn’t important anyways. I’m just so fucking depressed man. Nothing seems to make me happy but playing guitar and going to class steals all of that time from me. The only happiness I get out of the day gets snuffed out because I have to sit through a bunch of classes that I don’t give a damn about and then go back to my apartment and study a bunch of shit I don’t care about. I dunno. Hopeless man. People avoid me. I avoid people. I don’t think I belong on this planet. Or anywhere. I’m not good at shit man. Not a damn thing.
This post might not make sence unless you’ve read my previous one..
I think i’m glad I didn’t look inside when his best friend was outside the apartment crying. The neighbor did… But something in my head said “don’t look in there, you don’t need to see. You know what happened, don’t be stupid and make the pain worse..”…. I kinds wish I looked…. Just to see how he died rather than just imagining and repeating the horror story his friend told me…… When we were standing outside as the investigatirs were taking the pictures and such, Roberts friend that witnessed his death broke the silence with a simple, yet chilling statement: “I can’t get the sound of the spinning cylander out of my head…”…. I thought “I can’t get the sound of the gunshot out of my head….. You know even going back to school a
Couple days later, the bell made me duck… I know that doesn’t really make sence but I can’t tell you how jumpy I was after… Still am sometimes……
I really miss my old friends… More than I should…. More than they miss me foe sure…. Ones busy with his gf, the other with his kids, and Robert is dead……
So… I been depressed for as long as I can rember. I tried sudicid once and been thinking about it daily four four years now. I am sick of it , this year I have been trying really hard to destory my will to died, will my want to die grows stronger…..but ^^ I think I found something that won’t be deeply affected by my depression…….the awnser is …… manga…. Anime…..cosplay….and coustums…(even thougth I am black and can’t turly cosplay)……but mostly Mangas and anime…… I want to live to work really hard to have a great collection….. I hope to get an apartment where I can watch anime all day and nigth…. When I am not working………. Is any what is your want to life????
I’m not really sure how this is done so I suppose I’ll just go ahead and start off. (I apologize if it’s hard to follow.)
Uhm, well, I was actually raised relatively well, all things considered. Both parents were present, working, and in healthy condition. I was also the only child within the household.
Life was prettyÂ privileged, normal, but rather quiet, as everyone mainly kept to themselves in the household. There weren’t any major conflicts or fights, and alot of my time, along with my father, was spent on the Computer, whether it ranged from activities such as educational programs or games or whatever I used to do as a little kid. However, my dad had always been an introvert, and he always had kept to himself, having very few friends, but nonetheless, close. Along with being introverted, my father suffered from anxiety and depression, tried to take medication for it, but he said it didn’t really do much for him.Â In fact, depression was actuallyÂ hereditaryÂ within his side of the family, spanning from his mother, down to his sister, into him, and later on, into me. But I digress.
So, recently, on January 5th, 2012, my fatherÂ committedÂ suicide. I believe he shot himself with a .22, for those of you who were curious. Now, this whole incident started with my parents discussing about getting a divorce around Christmas Eve, my dad moving out of the House shortly afterwards into an apartment, and thenÂ committingÂ suicide in his apartment on the 5th. Incidentally, my birthday was about two weeks later; Oh and I’m sixteen years old. I have no doubt that this may come as a surprise to some, or it may be normal around this sort of site, I honestly have no idea.
But anyway, now that I have provided some background into myÂ dilemma, I’ll just get to my point of writing this in the first place. I… well… I hate myself. To put it bluntly. I absolutely, completely despise myself. I’m not exactly sure how to word it… Well, according to people who I consider “Friends”, although they’re more likeÂ acquaintances, I’m actually pretty funny, relatively smart, and a genuinely good person. However, I honestly see myself as terrible. Why? Well, I feel as though I am selfish because I desire attention to the point where It urks me and makes me groan in frustration. There are so many selfish things I desire to do, so desperately, while at the same time, I hate spending time with some of my closer friends, although I would rather try to get the attention of those who don’t matter… popular people, primarily on the internet. This leads into another thing, just like my dad, I spend alot of the time on my computer… whether it be Skype or whatever. I also like to Roleplay. Gah. I’m getting so off topic…
Anyhow… my point is… if anyone is still reading this… I just… I feel as though my mind is falling apart. Throughout my life I’ve always wanted to be recognized, to be acknowledged and known for my good deeds. I’ve tried to desperately to maintain myself, and to try and live a life of good… but the longer I keep up this… this… by now, almost an act, I start desiring more and more evil, becoming more selfish, becoming an angrier person overall… I just… I don’t understand myself. I don’t know what to do. Everyday now, I want to scream… I want someone to hold… someone to love… and… at the end of the day… if I can’t have these things… I’d much rather die.
I feel so cold, so abandoned, so misunderstood, that there’s no one there, no one here, and nearly everyone in my life has someone, whether it be a close friend or someone to love. Hell, my mom already has a damn boyfriend… Every day I feel more and more like I want to cry, like no one cares, and no one even can care, because no one can understand the predicament I’m in. Along with that, everyone that I’ve ever been with has either lied to me, left me, and cheated on me…
I simply don’t understand how people can simply compliment me, tell me I’m a good person, tell me I’m funny, smart, cute or whatever… yet, whenever it comes to relationships and things, I’m always the second priority, there’s always someone better than me, and all of my good traits are never enough to make anyone happy… let alone myself…
Also… I think really… really… logically. I’m an analytic. I suck at dealing with emotions and dealing with people, and common human touching, such as hugging and things of that nature. Hell, I haven’t even had a first kiss yet. I get chronic headaches, over think things, and always feel as though no one can understand me… I just… It gets so frustrating, and overwhelming… I need someone to talk to.
This is why I hurt.
This is why I hate living.
This is why I want to die.
Now, please, can someone help me? Does anyone understand what it’s like… in my position…? To beÂ privileged, to have everything and more than the next person could ever desire, yet still desire more and hate himself? Please… help me or forever hold your peace.
I really think I am a loser.
I’m almost 25, living in a tiny room in my parents’ place. I know they think I’m a drag and a burden. I should have worked harder in college and not gotten kicked out. I just didn’t give a damn about my classes and I should’ve just argued it out and changed majors, but I didn’t and I flunked a third time. Three strikes right?
Working part-time at a pretty thankless job, but they’re all thankless. The only full-time employees are managers, of which there are 5 as oppossed to 7 employees. That seems pretty out of whack to me.
I’m a shitty role-model for my brother. Here, in this tiny room, I’m my own worse enemy and made a torture chamber for myself. I have no prospects unless I want to start piling on colege loans. I barely eek out $60 a week and a lot of that is going to gas and food. Oh yeah, did I mention my parents told me I’m on my own when it comes to feeding myself?
I feel really spoiled though. Here I am rent free, paying no utilities but a roof over my head and hot water to shower. But I’m a drain. I am. I’m a useless drain who doesn’t have the strength to hold down two part-time jobs to save for college. I get so freaking stressed out thinking about how I could move out since most of the apartments anywhere close to my job are $400-600 a month. Most of my friends have “grown-up” jobs so they have their own houses or a really nice apartment I can’t keep up.
SOME DAYS, I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY AND DIE IN THE DITCH. THEN I WONT BE A BURDEN.
Well, I’ve whined enough, a lot of kids probably have it worse than me, 6 am shift. Stay strong out there.
I’ve worked to support myself for over thirty years. I’ve always taken care of myself without complaint and without asking for handouts. Now, because I’m older, no one will hire me.
I have so much experience and I am very good at what I do. No one cares. All they see is an old, overweight woman. I speak with agencies and potential employers on the phone and they are so excited to meet me but when I go in for an interview they say there is nothing for me at the moment. The moment has lasted two years now.
I will lose my apartment in a month or two if something doesn’t happen soon. I’ve lived here for almost thirty years and it is my home. I will kill myself before I become homeless.
I wont even know how to describe it. All those ways how I was acting made me feel extremely embarassed about myself. I thought I was missing out on a lot, and I tried to catch up. But instead I was making a fool out of myself. After we stopped talking, I tried to fit in, but it would only lead me to feeling more embarassed. I never cared about the future, but now I pretty much began disregarding the flow of time. It became scary for me to leave the house. I was getting progressively depressed and anxious. I tried therapy, but I never was comfortable about it. I would just live in my parents’ apartment, wasting my time. Days would come and go, more and more I would hear about my ex-classmates making it in life. They would graduate, get ahead, become people. And I’m still at the same point where I was when you left me. I’ve got noone to blame except myself. For some time I thought that maybe it’s not entirely my fault, maybe it’s just the way I am. But it’s not the case. I’ve seen the sufferings of the people who are that way, and I’ve got it made in the shade with the lemonade compared to them. That would make me feel even more embarassed, me being so weak and not being able to suck it up. I’m too spoiled and I’m afraid of the real world. I guess I am just escaping the reality. I really hate to be this dramatic. But I’m too apathic to go on, I don’t see myself getting anywhere. I’m embarassed of myself, once again.
I am 56 years old. I have no money, no property, no assets, no pension, no income and, frankly, no marketable skills. I have large unpaid tabs at several local hostelries and debts to most of my friends here which I have secured on the (false) assurance that money is on the way from my (long closed) UK accounts. Help and understanding (of any sort) have long since dried up. I am largely looked upon as the liability which I am.
I have been staying at a cheap hotel locally since I was evicted from my apartment three weeks ago for non-payment of rent. I am now five days overdue with payments for this accommodation. I shall be very lucky to escape without a beating when I donâ€™t come up with the money tomorrow (thatâ€™s the sort of place it is). I shall then be homeless.
There is no social welfare of any sort available to me here and I cannot even raise the airfare back to the UK (where I am, in any case, unsure of my welcome). My only relative (parents dead, wife estranged, no children) is a brother to whom I have long since defaulted on payments for a very generous loan and whom I can no longer approach.
My current situation has been caused entirely by my own foolish behaviour. No-one else is to blame and, if I am honest, I cannot even say I have had particularly bad luck. Until fairly recently I have had a very enjoyable life but (creditors excluded) if I die tomorrow it will really be no great loss to anyone.
What I was wondering was if I could get film shot of my jump and sell it to a newspaper to cover some of my debts?
So I have been fighting the urge to kill myself off and on for about 15 years now. Sometimes I lost and attempted suicide. So far I have tried twice, once when I was uncertain so it was a far cry from a real attempt, and once when I would have died had my neighbour not have found me. Problem is, I really do want to die but I don’t want to kill myself. I keep praying not to wake up and find myself full of rage when I wake up in the morning. I am so angry and depressed. I feel stuck, literally, we moved into this woman’s house last minute because we had to find a temporary home while we wait on the bank to clear a title on the house we want to buy, anyway, I hate it here more than I can say. My husband refuses to move again since this would be our 5th time moving in a year. Can’t say I blame him for not wanting to move again since we both work and both go to school, however, I can blame him for never helping me find a place to live. I can’t stand to leave the room, I can’t stand to come home, I don’t know where else to go and I really just don’t want to live any more. Sounds horrible but I would love to die just to get back at my husband. I may be very irrational about all of this, hence why I am writing about it instead of acting on it. Problem is, I can’t reason with myself. I just feel this way. I just don’t want to live and I keep hoping that I will get hit by a car or shot at the bank. I have some pills I carry with in case of emergencies, meaning in case I finally just have to overdose. My life could be worse but it is pretty bad as it is. Trying to go to school (last semester) while working while trying to buy a house. We have spent over a year of trying to buy a house. The last one we spent 8 months on and moved into a hell hole apartment for, found out we didn’t get it two days before Christmas. Also our lease on the hell hole was up and we had no place to go so we moved into a hotel. I don’t even want a fucking house any more. I fell in love with the idea of having a home since I never had one growing up, it was stupid. The best way to live life is to never kid yourself and just realise that life sucks and you will never be happy. I am so pissed at myself for falling for this. Now I am here, at some strange woman’s house waiting for a bank to call, if they ever call. Maybe I will get lucky and she will turn out to be a phyco and kill me in my sleep. All my life I have wished I was dead. Just my luck wishes don’t fucking come true.