“LIFE”….yeah!thats the word that i hate the most.people say that after death u would go to hell or heaven but i think there’s nothing like this.This present world is the perfect hell.And To Live on in this world is worst then anything…….i hate life….i hate myself.,..i hate the whole world…….fuck!fuck!fuck!i can’t express my feelings clearly….may my death comes soon…..fucking god…..
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I’m not religious and I never have been.. So I don’t buy into the heaven and hell thing.I’m new here, so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post links but this article is just one fascinating scientific example of proof that the world around is far less real than we would like to believe and how the subatomic world behave differently when being observed. With that in mind, It has occurred to me that there is a possibility that this is, in fact, hell. That this entire world was designed to torture me. To be my own personal hell.I don’t truly believe that. But I certainly don’t think it’s an impossible theory either.
do u know that saying “it is to better to have love and to have lost it, than it is better to never haved loved at all”..?
replace the words with “live.” at least we’re not plain nothingness that doesn’t exist and do nothing at all.
besides, why do u view life as hell? i view it as… not a gift, nor a hell, but i think of it as a “worry,” but life is sometimes fucked up.
it sux doesn’t it? to have done so much things that give u that disgraced feeling of failing and now it seems too late to make up for everything u’ve did? i’ve felt a bit of tht 2. in fact im what u’ve just explained in ur 1st post. maybe just throw ur life away to get rid of it all. just to not have a life at all anymore.
if i throw away my life just to get rid of it all, and to leave behind nothing, makes me feel like a coward to not face life like a man.
i don’t no how to help u resist this feeling of life of hell, but just no not to die without leaving something behind.
Splatt2012 its not a theory….this is the fact….wat we want we won’t get,n wat we hate comes again n again…this defines life….fuck…this world….
WARNING:
Rant with no real point. There. You can’t say you weren’t warned.
There is only one reason that I am “glad” that I was born: my mother. My parents had 3 girls before I was born. All of them died withing a few days. My father couldn’t do it a fourth time. But she desperately wanted a child. So she convinced him to keep trying. That’s how I got here. My parents divorced when I was two. My mother had a hard life. And I know that having a son brought some happiness to her. So I could never wish that I hadn’t been born. But other than that, I can honestly say that I wish I had never been born. I have been miserable my entire life.
When I was an infant I was badly burned. So I can’t go anywhere without a hat. Which is fine when you are 19 or 20. Not so cool when you are pushing 40.
A while ago, one of my eyes started to turn outward. It got progressively worse. Now, my eyes point in different directions. I can’t even make eye contact with people. One of the basics of human interaction. I avoid looking directly at people. And even if I didn’t have those issues, I would still be butt ugly. I’ve let my teeth go. And I’ve gained 75 pounds.
I used to be into delusion. Pretending that I lived in some sort of Disney/ABC After School special where it didn’t matter. But the truth is, human nature is an ugly thing. People are far more shallow than society would tell you they are. I’ve always been able to make people laugh. So that’s what I did. I had to work so hard to put people at ease and it took so much energy. I always had to be “on” to fit in anywhere. People had me sized up before I even opened my mouth. And I had to bust my ass to win them over. Eventually I just got tired of it. I stopped caring about making people comfortable or winning friends. The truth is, the older you get, the more you realize that most people are boring selfish assholes and not worth knowing anyway.
I have been treated like this since grade school. I was never bullied. Initially, I think people probably felt sorry for me. I was such a timid child. Then I got big. So I never got teased. Just ignored. Like I didn’t even matter. Like I was nothing. I think it was worse.
I’ve never even been on a date. Not one. Again, we can act all high and mighty. But the truth is no woman is ever going to go on a date with someone that they don’t want to fuck. Let alone someone that repulses them. Personality matters a lot less than people pretend that it does. I’m not saying that I’m not a prick. I am. I turned into one. I am constantly angry. And my number one goal when talking with someone in the real world is to get them on their way. To shut them up and get them to leave me alone as efficiently as possible. I think most people get the idea pretty quickly that I want nothing to do with them. But when I was kind and compassionate and funny, it sure as hell didn’t make a difference. As a matter of fact 99% of women think that any man that’s nice to them wants to sleep with them. When I was young I didn’t realize this. So being a genuinely nice guy it was funny to see how fast they would run for the hills once their ego got off it’s leash and they decided that I was interested in them. I’ve met one woman that I was interested in. And I told her. Because that’s just how I am. And she said she didn’t think of me that way. Which means: I don’t want to fuck you. You’re ugly. That’s the only thing that ever means. She was just nice enough (or lacked the guts) to come out and say it.
My point is, reality is what it is. It’s not going to change because I want it to. I could live in a drug induced haze of delusion. But I will never have any of the things in life that truly matter. I will never be able to say “I love you” and mean it, feel it. I will never tuck my child into bed or send my girlfriend roses because I’m thinking of her.
Think about all the things that have ever brought you any happiness. And not the things you buy, or even accomplish. I’m talking about real happiness- the kind that touches your soul. I will never feel any of those. I will never have a soft spot to fall. I will never have any measure of peace. I will never be comfortable in my own skin.
Things are better or me now. There was this girl at work that jerked me around, to put it mildly. I needed a friend so badly. And she claimed to care about me. She pursued me. I was just minding my own business She used me for emotional support and an ego boost. And when she was done with me, she just threw me away like a piece of trash. That’s the short version. At the same time this was going on, I watched cancer slowly torture my mother to death. These two things just finished me. Whatever was left of my soul just vanished. I don’t know the exact moment. But I died. I don’t mean that in some sort of poetic or romanticized way. I mean it quite literally. I’m not here anymore.
Something just snapped. I stopped feeling. I stopped deriving any sort of pleasure from human interaction. I just want to be left alone. It’s a fair tradeoff. It’s the closest thing to peace I will ever have. Before I shutdown , the pain was unbearable. I know it would have overwhelmed my fear of suicide failure. Not that that would have been a bad thing.
There is one person that matters to me- to an extent. Maybe I just feel like I owe her. The girl that didn’t want to date me. We didn’t see each other for around 15 years. A little bit before my mother died, I just lost it. I was in so much pain that I just snapped. I hadn’t talked to this girl in fifteen years and I just called her. I just needed somebody to talk to. I never would have done it if I had been in my right mind. But I did. And we ended up talking pretty regularly over the next couple of years. I’m a ridiculously private person. But I told her pretty much everything. She doesn’t know I’m going to kill myself someday- obviously. You can’t really trust people with that sort of information. But pretty much everything else about me, she knows. Which is rare for me. And I know all her secrets too. But I wouldn’t say we were close. Eventually the relationship started feeling much more like a patient/therapist relationship than a friendship. I don’t need to spend whatever time I have left here whining about shit I can’t change. And it was obvious that she didn’t give a shit about me. She just felt sorry for me. That’s how she is. She has a huge heart. But there was no real connection between the two of us. So I stopped calling her. She didn’t exactly come chasing after me. So my instincts were right
I have enough cash to leave her now that it would change her life in a major way. The rest of my life is just an endurance test. It’s just a matter of how much cash I can pile up before I go. She’s the only person I know that has never been mean to me. She was just there to help me. And she asked for nothing in return. I figure it’s the least I can do. She’s had a hard life and she’s going to school to be a special needs teacher. So she wont make a lot of money. I think this will help her. It’s better that, then having it go to the government or my father who already has more money than he knows what to do with.
But there is nothing that will change my situation. I can’t change human nature. All I can do is deal with it or live in denial. I have no interest in doing either. And talking about it isn’t going to change anything either. I bought an exit bag years ago. And I would love to get some ********- that would be preferable. But the exit bag seems less risky.
And to rohon: You realize how insulting that sounds, right? Face life like a man? I’m assuming that you have never stared down suicide. Because once you start to think of all the things that could go wrong it is terrifying. A hell of a lot more scary than suffering through a mundane existence waiting for time to do the job for you.
Sure, I could “face life like a man” I could suffer for another 20, 30, hell, 50 years. But why would I choose to do that. Out of spite? That’s just stupid. To prove what? To who? No offense, but that’s crazy.
And to anybody else that made it this far, please don’t mistake this for some sort of cry for help. There truly is nothing you can do or say that will help me.
I just find it tiresome that some people refuse to accept suicide is a perfectly reasonable solution to a problem. Not often, but sometimes. Some things can’t be fixed. That’s not good or bad. It just is.
rohon, i’ve realized the way i had written my previous commment, facing life like a man, the way i’ve written this, may have been offensive to you. please forgive me for not realizing how stupid i was to write it so uncaringly.
still, it does not change my oppinion on throwing away ur life with no purpose. sure, it may be a person’s choice to continue life, but what pride is tht?
for those love ones that rasied and made you, what pride is it to them that they gave birth to you in the first place? any1 is capable of anything, that’s why you need to find that calling in life that’s right for u.
many of us say we suffer so much from living, but does that mean we back down from it when it gets to the most darkest of times? does that mean we just end something when it gets worst? like a dog for example
when u get a dog, at first it’s a cute puppy, always wailing it’s tail, licking ur face, giving u all tht happiness and gratitude it can ever give. but over time the dog’s not as good as u hoped it to be. it’s barks uncrontalbally, it bites aimlessly, and it ain’t as cute as it use to be. does it mean we throw away what has turned bad? does that mean we turn our backs away from something once it gets worst. i think not. cause u stick with something to the very end.
Splat2012, i sincerely am grateful on how honest ur opinoins on everything are. i’ve found tht out myself too, tht no lady wud like to hang with u cause u ain’t that attractive. it always got to do something with the looks. its true no one truly does care for u. and cant truly say u love some1, unless some conditions are met…
but Splatt2012, im not saying to deny the bad condition of life u r in, or to just suffer until u die from it, but im saying to get rid of tht suffering. I’m saying u shud find out what in life u can do that gets rid of ur suffering. of course trying to suffer for the rest of ur life is stupid, and i no denying the fact ur life is bad will somehow make it worst, but can’t we have a goal in mind?
“Some things can’t be fixed,” i don’t think that’s true, its just people don’t work hard enough to change their life around. and there are plenty of people, not a lot, but plenty enough i can name tht have.
and is may be true tht there isn’t any true happiness or true cares we have in this world. of course no random women u meet for a few minutes wouldn’t rly give a damn about u because she talked to u. no 1’s “1st impression” is ever meaningful. no one cares about u unless u get rly close to them. in fact, no one can truly care for something. no one has a “true feeling” feelings that r full of truthness in them.
well rly my point is tht sure, accept life is being a little b**** with u, and then just let it kill you over time, or just slit ur throat and never exist or do anything again, but why waste it? y waste tht one more brain and pair of arms tht can help shape a better world. maybe a better world with better caring people that truly can help others.
life is always giving u different chances, in different ways, to make u feel successful. success, doesn’t always mean being happy. but success, can mean achieving anything. acheiving anything in reality.
so anyway…thts all i got to say. im a bit curious, Splatt2012, if u r reading this, how old r u.