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No idea

by AndreDA

Hi. This will probably be really long. I just found this site yesterday, lots of different posts were showing in google when I searched stuff about suicide, I feel so bad,  I’m fighting for my life literally every minute for the last few days, never been this close to suicide before.

I feel so hopeless.  I really don’t know where to start. I’m 20 years old and I seriously want to kill myself for 5 years now.  I have been to psychiatric hospital twice in my life, first time when I was only 11. The last time I advanced in school was when I was 13 (7th grade? we have a bit different system in my country). I live with my mother and that’s the only person I have contact with in real life. I have no social life at all, and no friends.  No job. I leave the house maybe a couple times a year. My mother is 59 years old and I’m always afraid she will die, because for years I see how she is suffering because of me and how that destroys her health.

The world just seems too much for me.  I had a happy childhood (my father left me and my mom when I was little but I don’t care), but I always had to put on a mask around other kids, copy them, because I felt the world differently. And ever since I had to deal with it more and more on my own I’m in pain almost all the time. I have to escape to places in my head, my imagination to keep calm. I just can’t take it, I feel like I bleed inside every time I have to touch reality. It’s all so beautiful, but so cruel, cold and painful at the same time. I’m hiding in my room from it for so long now… I just can’t deal with life, I can’t take it, I can hardly breathe when I’m awake (from the world in my head to which I escape to survive another day) and it’s not some phobia or something, it’s the sheer amount of… it’s not even really pain, it’s just everything, all emotions and tastes, but they are so strong I can’t take it. In 2007 I finally realised that I just can’t live, the thought of suicide is with me for every day since then. Like a shadow, because I know I will have to do it someday.  Why? Because life for me is… well, let’s say the life is an ocean and I can’t swim. And the problem about learning how to swim is the fact that for me the water feels like acid and I have no arms and legs.

(here comes the really long part)
The only real hope to live for someone like me was this girl I met online 3 years ago. Over months we got really close, we spoke about everything, we lived for another day just to speak to each other again. It’s hard to believe, I know, but she was the sweetest, the most good person imaginable (I mean people not some saints or mother teresas). She lived 200 km away from me, but she always said that if I asked she would drive here by train the very next day just to be with me and to hug me. She said we could live for each other, have each other to survive in this world but I was just too young, too stupid, with too little expierence in anything in life and just too much of a coward to do anything about it! She was the part of my soul that I have missed since birth, you know? The part I needed to live. She completed me. I didn’t believe in love before I met her, but now… I’m an atheist but I think she was made for me, we were destined for each other. Anyway, we’ve met a couple of times actually (!), the first time we saw each other she just hugged me for minutes not wanting to let go… But I didn’t understand how I feel about her, that she is my only way to rescue myself before it was too late.  In time I was hurting her more and more, taking out my pain on her. She was saying she wants to help me and I always said the same thing – I want to kill myself. She always was there for me, but she found some new friends, I became jealous, I was really mean to her, we lost that special something between us. I finally realised everything about her when the day I planned I will kill myself came. I realised I don’t want to die, I want to live for her! It was too late. The pain I felt when I realised I destroyed my only chance for a happy life… I can’t describe it with words.  I was suffering so much I could hardly survive in the safety of my room before I met her, and the pain of losing her made all that feel like nothing, like I knew nothing about pain at all!

My big plan was to simply escape from the pain, hide in this room until my mom dies and then kill myself. Except this year she wrote to me again, to check if I was still alive… we met a week ago. It was… normal. She’s happy, her life is looking really great you know? I’m glad about that. I miss her so much I just want to lie on the floor and cry myself to death, but she deserves to be happy. Meeting her was like waking up from a dream. I was escaping from the pain and the world so much since I lost her… I almost forgotten who I am. In the train on the way back I decided I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to die in the future not remembering what I feel to her, what I think about the world, who I am. Life or death, I have to decide.

And well, I just don’t see a way to live. For that week I concentrated on reality, on thinking about my life and options, on not escaping into my head again. But it just hurts so much I can’t even make myself a sandwich, clean myself… There is no way I can live, she was my only chance. I feel so completely alone. I need love. Trying to make anything out of my life now would need a heroic amount of strenght and courage, and as I said, I can’t even make myself some food! When I think about life I see incredible pain and struggle, on and on, just to survive.

I really want to die but I’m so afraid. I can’t take it, when I think about life I see pain, when I think about suicide I see pain. I live on 11th floor/story/whatever so the method it pretty obvious and since friday I’m on the edge, every hour feels like an entire day and it hurts so much to know that there’s no escape, that I have to look either death or life in the eyes. I’m afraid and I just want to be hugged, and loved and to live for someone and that someone would live for me. I want to feel safe, loved, to know that tomorrow won’t hurt. I don’t want to jump but there’s just no other way… I’m terrified that I will survive the jump and be a vegetable for the rest of my life, or that I will suffer in pain for hours before I die. I just want the pain to stop. I’m so tired and it feels like it’s so late…

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vedura 10/29/2012 - 7:15 pm

Hello Andre,

Your post is so painful I have difficulty knowing what to write except that I care. To be in pain for as long as you have is a waking nightmare. I am so sorry. I don’t know where you live. Do you have access to mental healthcare, perhaps to anti-depressants? They do not solve the pain but they can help you gain strength and perspective on your life.
The girl you pinned so much hope on… I’m certain that she cares, but I will tell you truly that no other person can do the survival work for you. The person inside you, the pure and natural strong Andre that you’ve lost touch with, must help you survive. A caring therapist can help bring that person out into reality. BTW, caring is more important than expertise.
Keep reaching out rather than locking yourself away. Try to find kind people who, like your friend, can help you find your own strength. Trust me, that strength is indeed within you, simply blocked by too much suffering.
You said you are an atheist. Most churches will try to convert you before they help you, but there are church organizations that might put survival above salvation. Perhaps reach out to them. Don’t stop at the first one if they put a ‘trip’ on you. Keep searching until you find a true person.
I also understand your fear of becoming a vegetable or going through even more pain if you jump and don’t die. It’s very hard to kill oneself, one of the great paradoxes.
So you know, I’m a 68 year old woman, not a possible romantic interest. But I have dealt with suicidal pain most of my life and survived to retirement. Don’t buy into all the ‘shoulds’ of society. You are unique and must make your own way. Eventually, you will find those you can share with, but no one can support you like the real you deep inside.
I hope you survive to find and be that person.
Much love to you and a caring hug.

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