Sometimes I look at the dumb things I do, and it’s like watching a bird that’s stuck in a house, throwing itself against the windows. Again and again. At first you try to guide it out, but you can’t get near it, because it’s too damn panicked. And the more you try the more frantic it gets.
Then, after watching it crack it’s head against the window a few dozen times though, you half-wish the damn thing would just break it’s neck and be done with it.
I’m like that.
Two weeks ago, I found out that my ex (for nearly a year), who I am still sickeningly in love with, has moved on to someone else. On that day, I discovered this site. And I said, and some of you guys said: you need to stay away from him now.
And I did. Mostly. But that doesn’t make you stop missing someone. And I missed him. So I e-mailed him today – nothing soppy. Just an article I’d found on Junk DNA. Which is kind of psychotic, now that I think about: sure, I haven’t spoken to you in a while, but say, what about this article on genetics. Cool, huh?
Idiot.
And then he called, and he was as cool and distant – as only a guy concealing a relationship from his ex can be (long story). That upset the Almight Idiot that is me. So I texted him after the call to say:
“Hey, I have a confession to make: I heard that you have a new girlfriend. I found out just before you left. It’s why I didn’t want to see you before you left, because I didn’t want to ruin your new relationship with my awesomeness:) I was waiting for you to bring it up in conversation or something, but you haven’t. So I though I should say it for you. There. Said. Now stop being weird. Silly goose.”
He replies:
“Yeah.. it’s a hard thing to explain. I’m glad you and I spent some time together before I left. I’ll be done in the last two weekends of the month. Hope to see you then. Much love my friend.”
AAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I hate myself so much. Do you see what I did? Like a masochistic little *****. I pretended to be OK with something that I am NOT Ok with. Why did I do that? Why am I so fucking desperate to stay in touch with him when I know that he doesn’t want me anymore?
Why am I such a fucking loser?
Why don’t I just give him away at his wedding?
I can see myself becoming *that* girl. The smiles-until-her-head-cracks-open girl. I hate that girl.
It’s like I’m addicted.
Honestly, how can I live my life like this?
6 comments
its just a bad break up, you’ll find some one who loves you just as much as you love them. you’ll be happy with them, and life will be good, but only if you put yourself out there and try to fall for a decent guy.
its just a bad break up, you’ll find some one who loves you just as much as you love them. you’ll be happy with them, and life will be good, but only if you put yourself out there and try to fall for a decent guy.
I wish I knew how. I keep thinking I’m going to be OK. I keep telling myself that I need to move on. But he’s in my head every second. I even dream about him. I’ve gone on a few dates, and I feel like a great big fraud. Short of some kind of lobotomy, I really don’t know how to move on. I thought I was being strong. And then I went and contacted him again. Why did I do that? I don’t understand why I can’t stop myself.
You sound a bit normal actually. That’s how most people behave because it’s difficult to move on. You just need to go away and work on a few things in isolation, then, when you return you will be better than ever before.
part of what makes love so addicting is a certain understanding, a strong comforting feeling of belonging. we all like to feel like we truly matter to someone else, and it hurts to no end to feel abandoned by that person we still feel so comfortable with.
he understood you, and that makes you feel loved.
there is no cure for this. there is no “getting over it”. there is only replacements.
sorry to seem so pessimistic, but i am feeling in a similar way about my best friend and wife leaving me over a year ago. i cannot offer any positive thoughts, because i am still totally in love with her. i will never not be in love with her, because for more than half my life, she has been the only one who ever truly understood me.
@Fire_Bad- it’s true. It is a bit normal for people to do that. I do that sometimes to and I kick myself in the ass every time. I’ve heard because I’m just “too nice”. Well if I’m a *****, I get shafted….if I’m nice, I get shafted. Which one feels better? Neither. But we still keep doing it!! Anyway, that is something you can try. Isolate yourself from the situation. It will be difficult…but not impossible. Little by little.