More and more frequently these days, I’m struck by how utterly pointless everything is. This is accompanied by a feeling of profound sadness. This usually happens during a fixed time period during the day (in the afternoon), when I’m alone. I think I can understand why people commit suicide — it’s perfectly understandable. If there is a button I can push to get out of this world, and if it doesn’t involve pain or decomposing body, I think I might push it. This feeling goes away if I take a walk or be among crowds, or interact with people. I suspect this is what they call clinical depression — caused by imbalance of chemicals in the brain.
I’m glad I am a mathematician — at present, mathematics is the only source of joy in my life. Sure, interacting with people sometimes gives me inspiration — a deep inspiration. But it doesn’t last long. Maybe if I have someone I love, things may look different. But the chances of meeting a girlfriend whom I like is close to 0%, so I don’t even try. I also don’t bother buying lotteries.
1 comment
If being in social situations helps abate your sadness then why not try to find engaging activities which will put you in those sorts of positions? Why do you say the chance of meeting someone is 0%? You’re a mathematician so you should know that’s far from being true.
If you type in “of depression an exhaustive exposition” in the suicide project search bar and click on my post it may have some useful information.