I wish you were here to help me…to explain all of this to me. Â And I wish I weren’t so terribly selfish that I am wishing you back from the grave, from peace, just to help me figure out my life. Â I don’t know what went wrong with me when you died…why I fell apart, glue all unstuck. Â I know you said to dad that I was never stable, not in the entire 6 years you treated me, but I wasn’t sick in the mind then. Â I was able to be me. Â I was functioning and happy and full. Â I had my times…had those freezing spells, had those times when I wanted to jump from the catwalk or burst through a window, when I had to use every ounce of will not to cut…but I never did. Â I didn’t cut then or swallow pills or lay in ditches waiting to die.
What happened to me? Â Why did I get so much better when you put me on the “right” meds and then so much worse on the same meds years later? Â Why was I fine with no medicine at all and then terrible? Â I don’t understand, Dr. Weller. Â I am so lost. Â You had such undying faith in me, such pride in your eyes when you saw me. Â What would you see now? Â After I have failed you so miserably? Â I guess that’s not fair. Â I always pull myself up and move forward…but then I fall down again. Â And I know whenever I am well it’s just a matter of time before sickness rolls in again. Â I know no one is always happy…I don’t want to be in some false world of never ending glee. Â But why can’t I at least be sane in the mind? Â Why these extremes?
I feel so empty right now. Â I pull my face together for the kids at work but it drains me to the core. Â I want to just curl up and not exist. Â I want to scream and thrash and be silent all at once. Â I don’t want anyone to see me. Â I don’t want to see me. Â Everything seems far away and distant and I am all alone. Â I just felt more isolated than ever. Â Life is such a sick joke. Â You get so far and do so well and surpass everything you dared hope for. Â And then you find yourself 10 steps back from square one. Â What is the point?
I wish I had your faith in God. Â I bet He has welcomed you with open arms. Â But He’s not there for me anymore. Â I don’t feel Him when I go to church or when I am lying in bed at night alone.
I don’t know why I’m writing you. Â I know you are beyond responding. Â I know that you are better off not knowing what is happening. Â At least when your eyes closed I was in a good place…but I need you so much now. Â I need to feel you and know you are still proud, still sure I’ll succeed. Â I need to hear your thoughts on this. Â Because you always knew me better than even I knew myself. Â And you were always there for me. Â Unfailingly, unflinchingly, until your last breath.
I love you. Â I always will.
19 comments
Hello Tryingsohard,
I am sorry that you are grieving so badly. How long since your friend and mentor passed? I know I’m not even close to a Dr. Weller…but I am here…and I do care…and I will listen.
Peace
Amakua
about 3 years….about as long as i’ve been sick this go round
It is a shame…very hard to make that kind of connection. When you say “sick”…what do you mean? Have you been diagnosed?
Just a suggestion…when I’m not sure about something…I ask myself…”What would Jesus do?”…and no I am not a Xtian…hahaha. Perhaps when it gets too much you could ask yourself…”What would Dr. Weller tell me to do?” I dunno…you were very lucky to have someone like him…but I suppose that just makes the loss harder…sorry.
Sending you a virtual hug and lots of positive thoughts
Amakua
i was diagnosed with a lot of stuff. bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, ocd, borderline….i don’t know what of it is right or wrong or what. i miss her terribly. she always understood. and she was the one to save me when everyone else had given up. especially me.
Okay…catching on…slow old woman here…lol. I have been diagnosed with GAD, severe depressive disorder, OCD(actually OCS), panic disorder, PTSD w multiple traumas, borderline personality disorder, Asperger’s syndrome…ummm yeah…I think you get my point. Perhaps that is why I connected with your previous post. So……the problem is…these are symptoms or conditions…not diseases. You need to try to remember all she tried to teach you..and understand she was not a fool…that she cared about you because you are worth it and she believed in you…believed you were worth saving…and so do I. Now it’s time to start believing in yourself…hard I know…I been there.
Random question: Are you a survivor of childhood abuse?
Peace
Amakua
it’s crazy the amount of times i’ve been asked that. and by people who know me well. i wouldn’t go all the way to abuse. nothing physical or sexual.
Okay…that’s good…I think…lol. No…seriously. You exhibit the symptoms of an early childhood trauma…that is probably why they ask and why I asked. Strangest thing is it could well be and you don’t know about it. For example…my friends daughter suffers from PTSD and has abandonment issues…why?…because her father took her to the beach one day…started chatting up some woman and left her unattended on a flotation device. She was carried out quite a ways and was having trouble paddling against the current. She panicked and cried out for her father…who of course was oblivious…and she was too far out for anyone else to hear her…she was in trouble…she panicked and went under twice…and then she says she just got calm, relaxed, took a deep breath…and saved herself. She was quite young…and may not remember the event…but the damage is very evident and moreso since she recently became a teen. So yeah.
Okay…not all the way to abuse…what would that be? Abuse is abuse whether physical, sexual, verbal, mental or self. Did the Dr. have any idea what was causing the symptoms? What was her take on it? Just curious.
Just my opinion…but it’s either abuse, trauma or a Spiritual crisis…again just my opinion. When did you first run into trouble? At what age? There I go with the nosy questions again eh?…hahaha
Peace
Amakua
i was first diagnosed in 8th grade with depression. which they later changed to bipolar. I had ocd symptoms my whole life. i started cutting the first time in 8th grade and intrusive thoughts started about 7th. there’s a lot of anger in my family. i’ll leave it at that. but i was never hit or assaulted or even demeaned for that matter. yelled at, definitely. scared senseless on occasions, probably. but it’s okay and i forgive it…..
they basically said it was hereditary or something but i don’t know anyone else in my family with these problems
Wow…you are now the 4th person I have met that wasn’t abused…well other than verbal abuse. So what did Dr. Weller think the issue was or did she know? Have you suffered from anxiety your whole life? I have…and the depression seems to follow…it got bad for me about the same time but I wasn’t a cutter…I found other more creative ways to self harm…ahem. You say you had OCD symptoms your whole life…but the compulsions are usually used to control anxiety yes?
There are sooo many questions I would love to ask you…but it is getting very, very late here and I have to be on my best tomorrow…so I’m probably off to bed. But I would love to catch back up with you tomorrow if you’re interested.
Till then…keep your chin up. Perhaps there will be others along with a fresh insight…if not…tomorrow
Take Care of Yourself
Peace
Amakua
Just caught your last comment….WOW…do I have a story for you…tomorrow…lol
Hereditary…now that’s a good one…I can work with that.
Night…don’t let the bed bugs bite
Amakua
Hi tryingsohard, I am very sorry for your loss.
Just as Amakua2309 wrote, Dr. Weller believed in you, and you should not give up. I think that our life is some kind of long lesson we have.
As I see it: lots of times things are happening for a reason. It was a reason Dr. Weller was in your life, she directed you, she had so much hope for you, does it tell you something? You are worth to be here for yourself, for her, for all the people who love you, for those ones who you have not meet yet, cos you will play an important part in their lifes, everything for a reason, we are for a reason.
I was searching internet today not sure what for really, just felt so depressed, sad, lost, found this website. Read a bit, and remember how I felt as teenages some times, it was so hard, felt like the world was ending, and I thought I could not take it. But I am still here, lots of things happened in my life, my best friend of all-my father passed away 9 years ago, it was very hard for me, but I know he believed in me. And I did well, just like he hoped for me. One day we all will go there where they are (no hurry, we’ll have that chance 🙂
), and if there is an existance after this life, we’ll have so much to tell them.
I am trying to get over my current depression, sure I will, there is so much to live for.
Lots of love to you, guys!
Sorry about my English-it’s my second language
@tryingtolive: thank you…I a grateful for the time I did have with her. I just can’t help feel I’m lost without her. But I’m trying. Your English is very good for a second language. Thanks for the kind words.
@amakua: thank you for writing last night. I am very curious to hear your views and the story you mentioned. I appreciate your correspondence, compassion, and time. I hope you got enough rest.
Hello tryingsohard
How are you feeling today? Me…meh…hahaha. Actually thank you for asking…but I didn’t in fact get enough rest…sigh…I ran out of my bedtime meds…and it’s sooo hard to shut the mind down without my nightly lefty…and yes I have a prescription…lol. Two things happened since we last “spoke”. One I got my prescription refilled and two my favourite toddler stood me up…he went to Grandma’s house of all things…hahaha…but he will be here on Friday instead. He is the most amazing 1 year old I have ever met…and his mom lets me borrow him sometimes when she has to work and dads not done work yet…an hour or two on the floor with the toys and music…laughing and carrying on…smiling from my toes to my noggin…and then a nice long walk and a snack…and I’m good to go for a few more days…hahaha. Ah well…as such…I am now going to take a short intermission and have a nap…sorry…but my lids keep drooping and I can’t see to keyboard or proofread…lol. I will be back in about 2 or 3 hours and I would love to chat with you…listen to you…and tell you a story or 50…hahaha…Know Thyself after all.
Hope to catch up soon
Peace
Amakua
Hey there. Sorry to hear about the not sleeping and getting stood up. It sounds like you would be good at working with kids. I work in a children’s museum so I can relate. Anyway, write back when you have time…things are a little better but everything feels artificial. I can smile if I have to at work or in front of family. But I don’t feel good. And after faking I feel even worse because it takes so much out of me.
Hey…sorry I got lost…the boyfriend showed up with dinner…Yeah!!! And then my oldest called to ask for a ride to work at stoopid oclock tomorrow morning. Hahaha that’s life. But I’m taking the rest of the day tomorrow for myself. My landlord gave me a Tim Horton’s gift card today in return for a favour I did for him sorta…hahaha…and so I’m going somewhere where I can sit in front of a screen of some sort…smoke lots and eat a dozen doughnuts. Okay…now I’m feeling better…hahaha.
I digress. I looove the children’s museum here in London…I used to take my grandchildren all the time and their parents before them…not for the kids…hehehe…but because I loved it. I also love parades…whee. Good at working with kids? My own mother says I should have had a dozen of them…oh yeah…she also added…just like me…sigh. No seriously…I am a big kid for the most part…I’ve tried to be a real grown up but I failed miserably at it. So even at my age…you will find me splashing in the puddle…digging with tablespoons in the backyard with the neighbour’s five year old…and chasing rainbows…oh yeah and singing and laughing. It’s okay…I do know how to behave appropriately when I have to…I just don’t want to for the most part. So work with kids? I am a kid. And my grandmother says I never have to grow up…so there…hahaha…she says there is really no such thing…and she should know…she’s 96.
It’s like this:
When I was a child, I was speaking as a child, I was led as a child, I was thinking as a child, but when I became a man, I ceased these childish things.
I’m sure you recognize this verse…and before you get scared…I AM NOT A XTIAN…hahaha
But my childhood was stolen from me…and I kinda skipped that whole being a kid thing in general. I was working by the time I was 9 and running from the time I was 6…so not much childhood. I tried very hard to be a grown up…and I failed miserably…but thanks to my grandchildren and others…I’ve finally learned how to play while the sunshines…that’s all. I just wish my body would comply a wee bit more. I think that grown ups are what is wrong with the world…sigh.
I warned you I talk alot eh? I’m glad you’re feeling even just a little bit better…one foot in front of the other eh? Gonna take a quick smoke break…refuse to smoke in the house because of my youngest daughter…she’s just a baby at 16…and I’ll get to that story. Feel free to share one of your own if you want…I am always curious about others…especially people that work in a children’s museum…now I’m friggin’ jealous as hell…hahaha.
BRB
Amakua
Much better…now back to hereditary…ahem…yes…lol
I am one of five children…have a million stories about being the “different” one but not today…hahaha…but I was basically left to fend for myself. Mom worked 2 jobs…dad was a workaholic/alcoholic…and I was a difficult child. Everyone treated me differently…but I truly was different…not bad in retrospect…but difficult.
The matriarch of the family…my grandmother…treated me very poorly…mostly because most said we were too much alike…yuck…but it was very painful and continued to be until just a few years ago. Against the advice of my therapist de jour…I confronted the old lady and let her have a piece of my mind. We have been the best of friends ever since btw. I’ve always been the one she called on when she needed something…but treated poorly just the same. Now she is trying to make up for lost time…and doing a remarkable job for a woman of 96…but I love old folks…I mean really old folks…lol…as much as I love children…so I’m good with that. I digress yet again.
A few months ago my sister in law had upset her by talking about her playing favourites with the grandchildren and now great and great greats…and she asked me what in the world Terra was talking about…she says…I don’t play favourites. Well I started to laugh…come on Nan I said….you know you did…we all have to try hard not to…I used to let it upset me terribly…but now that I have 4 grandchildren of my own…I know that we may love them equally…it doesn’t necessarily mean we like them equally or that we have as much in common with all of them. I understand I was a difficult child and hard to deal with.
She told me that yes…I was a miserable child. So I asked her…Nan? When did I become miserable(I already knew the answer from my mom)? Like when I was 2 or 4? Did something happen to me? And she said…God no…you were born absolutely miserable. And that’s the God’s honest truth. I was born miserable.
My mom had already told me that I refused to be held from the day I was born…had to have my bottle propped. I would cry if anyone picked me up or got too close. I was socially awkward and extremely shy and withdrawn…or having incredibly mind blowing temper tantrums. And then at 4 I quit talking or communicating altogether. So yeah…I was born miserable…hereditary? I dunno…but I can believe it. No matter what…I was born to die…so my mother says. I was born this way…miserable. And yet even though it took me forever to get here…even I can now really enJOY my life for the first time…and it takes my breath away sometimes. So can it get better with work? You betcha…I’m living proof. Am I always happy? Not even close…but atleast now I have something with which to battle the never ending misery that was my life for over 40 years.
Story over…need me to pinch you to wake you up? lol
Peace
Amakua
I’ve heard of people being born miserable….Kids that were unhappy babies from the start. And I am one to attest that psychiatric problems are not just something that happens later in life. I’ve seen it at work. I saw a week ago a kindergartener with terrible terrible OCD. I’d never seen it so clear. And it hurt because I knew what it was going to be like for her growing up because I have had it my whole life too. Not quite like her, though. I would still be happy with a 96 it didn’t have to be 100. This girl would scream her head off if there was the slightest line left when she cut out the tracing of her hand for an art project. It really pained her. It wasn’t being difficult. I saw it in her eyes, she was terrified and panicked by it.
I’m sorry your grandmother was so hard on you, but I am very glad that you guys made amends in later years. (It’s my grandmother’s 89th birthday today, btw) It must have been hard growing up with an alcoholic father….workaholic I understand. My dad is as well. He’s amazing, though, I am so proud of him for what he is able to do. I couldn’t imagine doing all that he does. Why did you have to work at such a young age? I hope that isn’t too nosy of a question.
My childhood was pretty much snatched when I spent my entire eighth grade year in and out of hospitals. You can do a lot of growing up in there. It was a terrible hospital. I have been to many hospitals, but none as awful as that first hospital I was exposed to at 13.
I’ve been doing okay when I’m around people today. But whenever I get alone the impulses to self harm and even to kill myself are really strong. And I just sink. I don’t really know how to place all these feelings.
Happy Birthday Grandma!!!! Is she well? Do you have a relationship with her? See…no need to worry about asking nosy questions…you’d have a long way to go to top me in the nosy department anyway…and I am an open book as they say…sometimes toooo open…lmao.
See I knew there was a connection somewhere…I am also a life long OCD or rather OCS…obsessive compulsive spartanism…hehehe. I’m like a hoarder with no junk and little of anything else. I have lived a lifestyle of voluntary simplicity for 10 years now…and I love it. I could sooo relate to your story of the little girl and the craft project…ya know…the things that are supposed to just be fun…but I wasn’t as lucky as you…I was a straight A student…with the exception of one B in my best subject in Grade 5…my mother was my Grade 5 English teacher…another long story…but again I digress…hahaha If I came home with a 99 on a test…my father would want to know exactly what happened to that other 1 percent…didn’t you study etc…ayup…and he was basically an uneducated hard working self employed man…my mother’s family are the friggin’ geniouses…or so they think..haha And before you get the wrong idea…my dad and I had our issues for sure…but he was my hero…he didn’t have it so good himself…came from a long line ofs…my mother married the guy from the other side of the tracks to piss off her mother…and although my dad has been gone from us for many years…my grandmother is stilled pissed off…hahaha…that is one of the things I confronted her about…her ability to hold a grudge like nobody’s business…hahaha. Most of them against me. Why did I have to work at such a young age? Because I needed money of course…lol. I am also an Aspie…and I was …well to say I was a picky eater wouldn’t even come close…and I could only wear certain clothing and fabrics…and…well you get the picture…so if I wanted these things…I had to buy them for myself. My mother refused to allow me to be “different” and I was forced to be “normal”…and I tried…hehehe…but the blood will always tell.
I’m sorry you had such a hard time of it…but it’s not too late to reclaim your inner child and learn to play again. I met a wonderful lady in the hospital last year when I was caring for a dying friend and his wife who was also in the hospital. Her name was Brownie…or so she told me…her daughter later told me that it was a childhood name. They had brought her back from Xray and had to finish a procedure with my friend before they could bring her back into her bed…and while standing out in the hallway waiting…I started to chat her up. We had an amazing conversation…and I remember she had the most beautiful smile and blue twinkling eyes…a bit of the devil I’d say…hehehe…and then I feel someone touch my elbow and I turn around. A woman who turned out to be her daughter told me that her mother was going to be 100 years old on the 9th of January this year…she made it to btw…and there were tears in her eyes. I turned to Brownie who had a big smile on her face and said ‘Are you kidding me?” and she laughed and said…that’s right…I’m an old lady. So I held her hand and asked her…”I know you’ve probably been asked this a million times but I have to ask…what is your secret?” And she looked into my eyes, got rather stern…and said “Always work hard.” Then she smiled and laughed and said, “And don’t forget to play harder.” Well that did me in…hahaha Oh yeah…forgot…she was left in the hall for a while because the nurses got coded…so we had a good chat…and it started by me touching her hand and asking her if she smiled pretty for the camera…and she said…they wouldn’t even let a lady make herself presentable…and giggled. Oh yeah oh yeah…lol…it’s getting late…sorry. When they came to move her back to her bed…the daughter came and thanked me. For what I said…and she told me that that was the first lucid conversation her mother had had with anyone …well anyone that she could see…for several months now. In the end I asked her…How do you know they aren’t real? Hahaha And she gave me a hug.
Oh yeah…what is the point of the story….work hard…play harder and forgive yourself when you fail or fall…pick yourself up and start over again…one step at a time…cuz life is a journey and not a moment.
Any more cliches? nope
Peace
Amakua