absolutely alone.

the holidays are so hard.  i think about dying quite a bit.  it’s like a heavy wet blanket that i can’t shake off or get out from under.

there is nowhere that i can express my true feelings.  i can’t post it on facebook or twitter, i can’t show my true colors at work.  i have to be on at all times.  and i’m good at hiding my feelings.  anyone who met me would think that i was ok.  i’m not.  i’m not asking for sympathy here, or for anyone to tell me that it’s going to be ok, or that it gets better, or any such nonsense.  i just need a place to publicly say how shitty i feel.

and i will say that i know first hand what suicide does to the people left behind.  my brother killed himself when he was 17 and i was 22.  that was 23 years ago.  so please don’t bother telling me what a horrible thing it is to do to the people who love me.  i already know.

i also know that i spent this day completely alone, as i have with every single holiday and birthday for the past 11 years.  it is exhausting trying to hold it all together. i just want to let go and let it all be over with.