I promised I’d follow him into the dark… Rabbit Hole

for the first time in 18 months I saw the love of my life in action-via video. It was filmed just months before I met him. he was so happy, smiling and laughing. i recalled that smile, remembered that laugh. felt that feeling he gave me. we just lied in bed all day holding each other. but underneath we felt the same thing. we walked in on me once as I was vomiting up a large amount of pills. my liver will never be the same. I watched his eyes fade over the months as he sunk deeper into PF. I followed him down the rabbit hole but he disappeared. we got into a fight one day, and that night said he was going to kill himself. I don’t know why I didn’t believe him. In my heart I must have known he wasn’t kidding. The next day he was gone. but i was pregnant and therefore forced to stay alive through my most capable months of suicide. our baby is gone now and I’m stuck looking at her year old baby photos on the Internet while she looks into a camera with his eyes and beautiful smile. There has been nothing for me on earth in 18 months that makes me want to stay. Ive tried everything. been in college, dated guys, made ‘friends’, and worked. but when I go to bed at night, I hope I don’t wake up the next day. I poison my brain with PF and pray they carry me down the rabbit hole again. I’m tired of singing “wish you were here”. I’m comfortably numb.