I don’t want to die.
I need companionship.
I need someone who will tell me it is alright. I need someone who will lend a shoulder to cry.
I need someone who will not judge me by my choices.
I am so tired of pretending to be strong. of pretending everything is alright and that my life is happy.
I am tired of pretending I don’t need someone.
somehow I feel like despite the fact that I have friends, I am disconnected with everything else. Â so I am seeking companionship.
how many of the people I know will cry when I die? in my mind, I know, they are not a lot. maybe one? five? or even no one.
I feel so alone it hurts more than death.
desperately, I try to make calls, I try to sound happy and excited and try to make conversation. but I know they are not interested. not in me, not in my life.
in on one ear and out on the other.
I feel so alone.
to top it off, I landed in a horrible job.
I want to quit.
I just want to quit.
but what do I do? everyone who pretends that they care wants me to stay.
3 comments
You wrote: “everyone who pretends that they care wants me to stay.”
If I may butt in a bit, depression makes us see the world through rather bad lenses. I know it’s hard to believe people when they say they care… but here’s the rub: some of those who say it really do. Our problem is that our depression makes it so that we cannot see it. We’re clouded.
I will give you advice that a friend of mine gave me when she tried to help me. She told me to not think about anything and only do whatever she told me regardless of how my mind was making me feel. Even if I was scared I had to move forward on what she said.
She used that to get me to get the help I needed. I was so scared thern.
But it worked… saved my life, actually.
Well., I will do that for you.
My order is as follows: Even if your mind tells you not to believe when someone says they care about you, you are to ignore your own mind. You are reuquired to believe even if your mind does not want you to. And you are required to act in accordance with the belief. That means if they say so, let them. If they want to hang with you and drink tea or just want to call to check up on you. You MUST ignore anything in yuor mind that tells you it is not real and accept that it is real and act in accordance with the idea that it is real. If they want to help you with doctors — let them… believe they want to help. Just accept it as real.
You have a chance.
Follow this order.
it is hard to believe that they care when i hear disinterested replies like, “ah” or “hn” if they care, why dont they put more effort in their replies? is it because they cannot relate to my experiences?
More than likely its because they cannot relate, or fathom the idea. It may be a self-defense mechanism on their part, like how some people faint at the sight of blood or danger. Please dont hate them, they just dont know what to do.
Hop onto the SP chatroom and ask for help on this. I hate that I cant talk to my own family about this shit, but here, people get it. I also have a licensed clinical social worker that trained to help people like us because he is one of us. I wish you well, DiscoGirl.