thinking a lot

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.  I have rarely thought this much.  I’ve always been an intellectual, but now I am really looking at this from every angle.  I do want you guys to know that I hope that you don’t give up if there is any inkling in you to want to live.  I want you to fight for a better tomorrow, I really do.  I want you to be well and happy and healthy.  And I really believe you can get there.  Most of your problems are situational or solved with medications and therapy.  I really think there is a way out for you other than death.  I don’t think there is for me.  I really honestly and deeply believe there is no way to fix this.  I’ve started writing my letters and getting my affairs in order.  I’ve even started contacting people I lost touch with so I can have last conversations or meetings, without really saying goodbye so they can’t stop me.  But I know.  I still don’t know how I’m going to do this because whenever I think I have a concrete plan something happens and it falls through.  I’m going to keep living until I figure this out, faking my way through every step and every breath.  I refuse to cut or to succumb to a suicide method that will not work for fear of hospitalization.  I will find a way.