thankyou Amakua for your reply

That was a first for me, 2 years ago was my first attempt, i just didn’t understand all that it involves, till i got there…
i have wanted it for a long time..guess that time 2 years ago i finally moved on a step, but i still crapped myself when faced with it and couldn’t just “pull the trigger so to speak”..
Was just being honest and like you said i wasn’t ready…

this time around, well i hope it goes better…but after the last time 2 years ago i know its harder to follow through than we all thought..But i’m much better prepaired this time around..I ain’t saying any more on that

i’m probably like a lot of us on here who have spent hour after hour on-line researching just this 1 subject… will it hurt, whats the easiest way to go, the most painless etc, etc…
also read time and time again that if you’re there looking then you’re not really ready cos when you are ready you will just go and do it..end of..

Maybe, maybe not..but i disagree…

Anyway i’ve pretty much cleared my studio flat out today, threw out almost everything…not that i had a lot anyway microwave, music centre, computer printer, shoes, clothes all that sort of stuff that i don’t want or need any longer…(i guess you could say i’m just spring cleaning a little bit earlier than i’m supposed too)..
the poor shredder has been used to the bone got a lot cleared today,dunno why i feel i need to do all this ..but i guess again each to there own..

yep you could say i’m where i wanted to be ..
not long now…

posting on here because i’ve spent 4 days now as usual without talking to anyone, yep spent the whole xmas, again, without a word to anyone, no contact at all…..only time i’ve walked out the door was to throw stuff into the bin..
being able to type here is well i dunno not my last words, but a comfort in some sad way to me cos why i’m typing i’m not on my own..

yeah yeah yeah..if i was gonna go do it..
i would of done it by now..I’m just lonely..
trust me i’m way past lonely
each to there own…we are all different…

Amakua..

Firstly a very happy new year to you..We just made it here to 2013 a couple of hours ago..
Thankyou again for your reply to my previous post, i apologise thats its taken me this long to reply. To be honest, me not replying was eating me up inside, what a bloody selfish bastard i have now become when i read your post soon after you posted it and i must of read it 15 times since and i didn’t at least bother to reply or thankyou in any way at all..
I guess this is now the person i have become..I just dunno anymore..
Anyway i’m sorry, feel very selfish and a complete bastard..

In answer to a couple of your questions ..
Yes i’m in London,uk.. and i’m a 44 year old male also..good looking, loads of money, huge house, erm what else?…(hang on..i’m getting my websites mixed up a bit here).. crap..

Now back to reality..
yes i’m male, in london..lost, very lost ,end of really..

I ain’t gonna bore you with all my details, i’m sure you’ve read em a 1000 times before..As you said pain is pain , is pain..lets just say i’m there..

Just spent new years eve as i did xmas…alone..
Pretty much used to all that now tho, so its nothing new..

I like Enigma..
Dunno about the yak bit.. lol..But it put a smile on my face anyway so thanks for that, i don’t feel smiley or happy that often ..

The lonely bit you mentioned in your post said it all for me too so nothing there for me to add either, its like me looking in a mirror, you sumed me up exactly with your words..

Anyway i ain’t gonna go on and on and bore you to death cos that may be a successful 10th attempt on your part cos i’d prob push you over the edge and i don’t wanna be blamed for taking someone else with me..

I Just wanted to say thanks Amakua..
I know there are so many good people wandering this planet of ours, i reckon you are up there with them..Can just feel it in how you write..

But nothings changed this end, i’ve sorted and done all i needed to do..Still got a couple of days left to dwell too ..I’ve had the exact date in my mind for a good while now, even when i first posted, That date has not not changed..
Still scared shitless, but am with the help of the web, understanding it all a bit more so i’m feeling much more positive and relaxed about the whole thing..
Not long now..
I can do this..

Hello again Amakua
Thanks for your reply yet again..and happy new year..(must be 2013 there now in Canada surely)..

i’ve spent the last 3 odd hours reading random posts on this site…
lots of very sad and moving stuff, i can relate to a lot of what i read and its a comfort in itself knowing that as much as you think you are ,you are not alone..
Sure makes you think…really does..

The getting my websites mixed up bit was me trying a bit of my stupid mad crazy humor, i’m only ever posted on this site and 2 others in my entire life and the other 2 sites i’ve posted on were nothing to do with anything like this one or dating sites as i was implying..I’m not here to play any games..I just wanted a place where i could go to express how i felt and get down some last thoughts as i spend most of my time alone..That was all..Was nothing sinister in it ..was just me and my humor..
I have only 1 secret and because i’m not hurting anyone but myself and thats the gods honest truth..(no-one else is involved)..i’m keeping it to myself..

Tactless *****…?..well i like your honesty..Like the karma bit as well..Don’t know a lot about it apart from what i’ve read on-line..(will read up a bit more about it over this next day or so)..
Also like your pesistence, excuse my spelling, typing has never been my strong point, but as long as i know what i’m trying to say then it don’t seem to matter..lolol..

Congrats for next week and your 12 years..Well done you..Reckon i’ve only felt this way 2 and a half years max, only the last few months its got to where i am now..Previously its just been the odd thought here or there, now i’m thinking it 24/7..its now completly taken over my way of thinking..
How you got through 12 years of this ..well i just dunno..But fair play to you..

I’m gonna say something now that i hope you don’t take offence to..
Please don’t take this the wrong way..Cos i appreciate your replies but i’ve seen now how i’m going off track here..

I’m replying to you because i’m that kinda person..That is me..
you were kind enough to reply to my posts, so me being me i’ve felt i have had to reply..thats just me..thats the way i am..
I see now that i have made a mistake..I should not of replied to any comments..
I guess By me writing here i should of expected a reply or 2.. I honestly thought i would just sail away into the night..Thats the gods honest truth..I just wanted to get written down exactly how i felt so that maybe one day, someone may read my thoughts…I never thought someone would reply..

I’m not gonna start getting into conversation, about music, about me, etc… cos then i’m tied to something else….
I’m sorry i don’t want other things in my head that i’m gonna be thinking about… I’ve just spent 3 odd days clearing and getting rid of stuff so i have no ties..
I can’t do that, i really can’t cos its gonna put doubts in my head..I’m sorry..

I have 2 days left now..Been thinking about and working towards this day
for a good time now..
I don’t want to fuck this up now ..I really, really don’t…
Not a lot left now to work out, everythings done here ..i know just what i’m doing on that day down to what time i leave, what i’m wearing, how i’ve left my place the lot..
each day that passes i think of other things i need to do..so i do them as best i can..Theres always gonna be something we miss tho ain’t there…

This is going to be the 2nd time i’ve tried ending it all..I’m going back to try exactly the same way i tried 2 years ago..I know what to expect..I’m feeling positive and know what i need to do but it ain’t the easiest way out from what i’ve read online, and of course i’ve been there before..
i’ve got it all figured out, like to think i’m ready, but am still scared shitless..I really am..I’m not going for a walk in the park afterall am i??..
I just need the courage and focus to do what i want to do and i’m not gonna find any of that here am i..

Thankyou for your posts..and once again i’m very sorry..

Pretty sure you will reply to this, i get that from you when you replied to my second post..

less than a couple of days now ..gone 6 am here and i’m drinking a very large brandy..
What am i looking for…courage, answers, strength, reasons.. a way out..what????..
I dunno really…

2013…here it is..
Here we go
you takecare

Just over 3 months ago i came to this site after a web search
when i found it i read many peoples stories for hour upon hour
So many of them i could understand, could relate too..
I eventually posted myself and blurted out what was on my mind, etc..etc..
On the 5th of January i tried what i had planned in them previous posts..
I got there, was oh so close and then what did i do?..
Was pretty much hammered (drunk) when i got there, i never stopped drinking on the train down..
Walked for god knows an hour, maybe more just followed the sea..
Climbed up then down..up then down..Lost a bag i had with me containing another half bottle after falling a few times..
Eventually got to where roughly i wanted to be so what do i go and do
Spotted lights which turned out to be a pub..This place is a few mins walk from where it could all end..
Fucking bloody idiot, i just couldn’t resist could i, maybe if i hadn’t of lost that bottle falling somewhere then i wouldn’t of gone in..But i did..
Don’t remember much more, just remember getting a pint and a double brandy then another double brandy, the rest is a drunken blur..
Remember getting cuffed, picked up and nothing else..

Woke up in a police cell at eastbourne police station a good few hours later..
Don’t remember nothing else from that pub to where i woke up..Nothing..

Anyway after asking if i could be let out so i could go home, i was told no as i was being held awaiting accessment from a team including a psychiatrist as they believed i intended to harm myself..(found the notes i had left on me)
But i later learned that the staff in the pub had called the police as they do so often when they spot i guess people like me???
Few more hours passed and i get accessed and then put on a section 2 under the mental health act….
Back to the cells for another long wait till i get transferred back to a hospital close to me in london..

27 days i spent in there..Only good thing about it in there was the other patients and the staff who were great..No fun being locked up though and watched 24/7 but i know these people have a job to do….
Had almost daily checks with dr’s and talks with staff about everything and anything….
Finally got the all clear, escourted leave gradually then an hour on my own, then 2 and so on..Till i finally got discharged in the care of a friend..

Anyway been out now for just over 2 months..
The Pills i’m on seemed to be doing something for a few weeks, but not any more..
Am back on the booze again now big time..All them thoughts i was having then even without the drink are constantly running through my head all over again..Only this time round i also keep thinking about how i fucked it all up that last time round..
Missed a few appointments with my follow up team..Now the label is on me i could get whisked back in a heartbeat..Know they have been round at my place..Been twice when i was out and left letters..
Hardly go back home anymore..Stay at a friends sleep on her floor..

Why am i here again, after saying previously i don’t want to get into conversation….
what exactly is that or this even about..
why also do i have this obession with that place that i seem to be drawn too.
Why can’t i just move on or at least stop thinking it and just go do it..
I read a lot…a lot here and on-line and i dunno anymore what, where who or even why…whats that all about..
I have a couple of friends who know how i feel cos i tell them, they even visited me in hospital..One of them signed me out in there care..
I told them i don’t wanna go back but i know they are concerned about things now..I can see it in some of the things they say to me..

I need to talk, need to say something..
So i just have..
Know just what i want to go and do..
so why the fuck ain’t i doing it..
not ready don’t want it..my head is 24/7 telling me different..
Fuck me..please stop all this.