I’m the loneliest I’ve ever been. And it’s all because I’m surrounded by people. People who are happy. I don’t just mean fake happy, they are genuinely happy. Fuck! I wish I could remember how that felt. Am I a bad person because I feel jealous? Jealous that they’re happy without me? I don’t know. I can’t answer that. I mean, it’s not like they’re my real family. I’m just that kid they took in ‘cos they felt sorry for me.
Every time I hear them laugh and cheer, I feel a painful twinge of jealousy. It’s like being stabbed in the heart with a cold blade. Then I feel guilty for being so selfish. Why should they care? It’s none of their concern. But what about me right? Someone should care, right? But they seem quite happy to ignore me and continue on in their merriment. And I don’t blame them. It’s just, I wish they cared but then again I know I shouldn’t wish for that. I mean, what more can I ask of them? They’ve provided me with warmth, food and shelter. They owe me nothing. I can’t expect much more from strangers. I should be happy with what I have… But I’m not.
I mentioned jealousy, but jealousy is just the tip of the iceberg. The jealousy is swiftly followed by an overwhelming sense of guilt, then comes the anger. The anger turns to frustration. It’s a vicious circle I can’t seem to break. How I long for some acceptance, a cool breeze of acceptance that I’m not part of their family, that I’m not as important as I like to believe and that I need to deal with it like a man. But no, I’m stuck on this self destructive path. One of hate, resentment, and pain. If I can’t control my emotions, what use am I? What can I control? At least I can control the rate of my descent. At least I can smoke weed, drink alcohol, sniff coke and pop pills. At least I can watch myself burn. From the outside, as if  I were a passer-by. It’s like I’m trapped outside my mind, forced to watch myself. One half of me is watching silently with all the composure of the old me and the other half speeding head first into a brick wall.
2 comments
Wow.. it’s almost as if I’m the one who wrote this.. I feel the same exact way. my family is all so happy. they all have someone. all couples loving their life and there I am thinking constantly about how I can end it. I don’t want to bs here anymore. all I can say is your not alone.
Hey, thanks. This helps a bit.