Boy am I glad to find this site.
Just to be able to write down some thoughts here and not in my despised self help diary notebook.
I was driving around town afraid to come back home. Another sleepless lonely night awaits me. I am scared because I haven’t been this alone in last 3 years.
Here’s a short background story:
6 years ago I found myself wrapped in suicidal thoughts and plans. I delayed them for various reasons. And I tried to build myself as a person. I failed, gave up, found some strength again and tried again, and failed again.. It was a painful turbulent time.
With many issues that I have, I’ve managed to keep myself alive and somewhat functioning for the sake of others- my family and boyfriend.
That is the point of my writing tonight. I have deprived myself of my right to do what I feel is best for me. I have reduced my existence to keeping others not worried and caring for them. Especially my boyfriend, since he is so lost in this world. I made it my obligation to help him stand on his own two feet before i leave him. I feel like sh*t wanting to leave him because I care so much about him but the relationship is suffocating me.
I want out. I miss the freedom of the teenage years when you don’t hold yourself responsible for anything.
Not to make this a story about me b*tching about my relationships, following part is:
I got lost in my pretend I’m okay life performance and I’ve got no one to talk to about it since I can’t let anyone know what I’m going trough, it always ruins my thought flow and I start pretending it’s all good again. I need time for myself but I am also scared of it because I haven’t let myself be me in a long time.
I hate my writing, but the post didn’t turn out too long so hurray for me. All comments are welcome because a different point of view is always helpful. 🙂
First time writer, Tralala
8 comments
I’m glad you found this site too. It helps me a lot and I’m sure you’ll get a lot of support. Are you suicidal? Or just need someone to talk to?
yeah! write it! yeah get it out girl! were hearing ya!
haha 🙂
periodically i’m suicidal. well, i’m here because that time is coming again, brought to me by thinking about my future..
“You are not alone…” I think this will be sentence that will save you. Its hard to live alone even if u have people who love you or you love, you still maybe alone. Maybe somebody just needs to remind you that you aren’t alone? if you aren’t, that is.
I am also happy you found this site! It helps a lot and i hope it will help you too!!! 😀
Cake, maybe I’ve expressed myself in a wrong way, English is not my first language. I am not alone in life, I have my parents, few friends, boyfriend and my pets. My problem was that I haven’t spent time alone in a long time and I was afraid of myself thinking in silence on a sleepless night. I’ve been having some problems in college and started seriously thinking about my future. When I am alone and feel like such a mess my mind tends to think about my death and how and why I will kill myself
it’s why i took my time to write here and occupy myself, just not to stand on the window wanting to jump.
oh, uhh sorry for what i wrote earlier i misunderstood you, you wrote it all right. I totally understand you about trying to occupy yourself though, thats how i avoid at least try to avoid suicidal thoughts i have been getting in past few years. Just taking my mind off things. There are so many things i want to write right now but they none would be necessary. I wish you good luck!
it’s ok. 🙂 i’d be glad if you write anything that’s on your mind.