I feel I ride upon so much life potential, even at the age of 47, but I am trapped in circumstances where all this potential is backing up upon me, and destroying me. Sometimes I feel my only hope is for somebody to place me somewhere else and give me a suitable function, for I myself not only lack initiative, I often lack mind, entirely. Too many early morning awakenings, where pacing in mindless anguish continues for lack of any thing other than the going thing–pacing in mindless anguish. Only later on, in the evening, it dawns on me all the things I might have done earlier but which I could not have done earlier for the insidiousness of the disease. And the cycle repeats itself. Even if I write down things to do upon early morning awakening, I am unable to remember to find the note to read it, for the morning misery has already swallowed me upon awakening.
Get a handle on endless anguish by a shift in perspective: deep breathing and there is no me, just this misery–what is it? Certainly sucks. Follow it. Does it change? Or remain the same? Breath it. Feel it. Let it sink in. It is just a feeling.
I’ve paced in mindless anguish from 4am to 7pm every single day for months on end, it is like a virus, a viral disease. <<<that was 2-3 months back in '97. I've paced for even longer periods, 21 out of every 24 hours for 8 months, but I was happy then. I just got done pacing for 49 days and nights last summer from 16August-04October in the halls of unit5 and unit3, and I have been more or less pacing (and walking) as a way of life since my release. Human beings, if nothing else, were meant to walk, perhaps even all day and night in search of food and water, so I must be thankful I can still walk so much, but there is pain involved, I just don’t feel it during my anguish.
Live! Meditate. Live your life.