My Fault

I lost one of the last few things that kept me going. I pushed him away but honestly I never really understood him. He was just there. He promised he would help but he lied and I knew he never cared.
Every morning he would annoy me by poking me or calling me stupid. We had those retarded kiddy fights and it was just frustrating at times. I don’t know what I wanted from him but I felt I was better off just cutting all ties with him because he just doesn’t care. I sound so selfish for saying so and I’m terribly sorry.
My exact words to him :
“Just stop all the crap
Im tired of all the shit in the morning because clearly you dont fuckin care
Im just something to annoy to just get rid of your retarded boredom
Clearly Im just a huge joke to you so just stop it because no matter how many times I laugh things off it still fuckin hurts so just give up
you dont have to talk to me anymore you dont have to sit near me anymore.”
All he said was “fine”
I was ok with it at first but then I felt like I just lost someone important. I wish I knew how he felt about that but I guess I’ll never know.
We were really close especially during the summer when I had a lot of emotional issues. Now I just feel like I’ve been holding him down. To be honest I feel many things at the moment about him but what hurts me the most was I really genuinely cared about him. Whenever he would rant about anything I would at least try to help. But he had this weird “I dont care” and “I’m over it” kind of personality which made it hard for me to understand him because he genuinely never gave a shit. Now that I think about it I honesty don’t really know much about him. Yet I told him so much which is terrible. To be honest I guess I’m complicated too and very indecisive. I guess its better this way. I’m not going to lie it fuckin hurt like a ***** when I said those things because he was special to me. He didn’t necessarily feed me a shit load of lies but he knew what to say at the right time without knowing it. I dont know why I keep clinging to him its disgusting. He teases me, he constantly pokes me, and his sarcasm just made him likable I guess.
It sucks to care because once you loose that important friend and it’s all your fault you feel as if everything just falls apart.
Frankly right now I dont have the energy to type anymore. I’m still completely worn out from what I said to him.
I’ll just keep lying to myself and say its for the best.