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Nocte Animam

by Alyce
written by Alyce

13 October 2019

To those who are here; to those who are gone,

 

As my life finally leaves me it is my hope that you know one thing beyond any doubt. Our search for peace does not end nor does it begin… it is everlasting, without hope of it ever coming to a conclusion. Darkness has a tendency to follow what casts a shadow and we are no exception. To think, the more light one tries to shine on something the darker everything seems to be… why?

All of my life I wanted to change into something better; something special, but… the most important thing to me was left untenable… and truly unchangeable.

For the people that were in my life I bid you farewell. I do apologize for what my death has caused you to feel, but… I believe this was the right choice to make, in the end. My heart goes out to the one I fell in love with. I am sorry things between us did not work out… it was my fault, till the very end. Goodbye, Isabella… I will not forget what you have done for me.

 

“Mayst thou thy peace discov’r.”

 

Sincerely,

Alyce Jeanette Kidder

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Chronic PainFun & InterestingGeneralStories of Loss

Euthanasia in Belgium and the Netherlands (and the debate surrounding it)

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

I must apologize in advance, because I’m going to put a lot of videos and articles in this post and it will probably occupy a lot of space on the starting page of this site (needless to say, feel free to write your opinions about euthanasia in the comment section).

 

https://theconversation.com/separating-fact-from-fiction-about-euthanasia-in-belgium-58203

Euthanasia in Belgium

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3748787/Euthanasia-tourists-rush-Belgium-free-lethal-injections-staggering-2-023-medically-killed-year.html

https://newsmavens.com/news/aha-moments/2088/belgium-fears-euthanasia-tourism

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/12/24/brussels-denies-eu-rules-encourage-euthanasia-tourism/

And a PDF about euthanasia in Belgium:

Euthanasia practice in Belgium

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Cat Stevens – Trouble

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Lyrics:

Trouble, oh trouble set me free

I have seen your face and it’s too much, too much for me

Trouble, oh trouble can’t you see

You’re eating my heart away and there’s nothing much left of me

–

I’ve drunk your wine, you have made your world mine

So won’t you be fair, so won’t you be fair

I don’t want no more of you, so won’t you be kind to me

Just let me go where I’ll have to go there

–

Trouble, oh trouble move away

I have seen your face and it’s too much for me today

Trouble, oh trouble can’t you see

You have made me a wreck, now won’t you leave me in my misery

–

I’ve seen your eyes and I can see death’s disguise

Hangin’ on me, hangin’ on me

I’m beat, I’m torn, shattered and tossed and worn

Too shocking to see, too shocking to see

–

Trouble, oh trouble move from me

I have paid my dept, now won’t you leave me in my misery

Trouble, oh trouble please be kind

I don’t want no fight and I haven’t got a lot of time

– –

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trouble_(Cat_Stevens_song)

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Charles Baudelaire – The Desire for Annihilation (Le Goût du néant)

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

(poème de Baudelaire en Anglais et en Français)

 

The Desire for Annihilation (translated by William Aggeler)

 

Dejected soul, once anxious for the strife,

Hope, whose spur fanned your ardor into flame,

No longer wishes to mount you! Lie down shamelessly,

Old horse who stumbles over every rut.

Resign yourself, my heart; sleep your brutish sleep.

Conquered, foundered spirit! For you, old jade,

Love has no more relish, no more than war;

Farewell then, songs of the brass and sighs of the flute!

Pleasure, tempt no more a dark, sullen heart!

Adorable spring has lost its fragrance!

And Time engulfs me minute by minute,

As the immense snow a stiffening corpse;

I survey from above the roundness of the globe

And I no longer seek there the shelter of a hut.

Avalanche, will you sweep me along in your fall?

—

Le Goût du néant

 

Morne esprit, autrefois amoureux de la lutte,

L’Espoir, dont l’éperon attisait ton ardeur,

Ne veut plus t’enfourcher! Couche-toi sans pudeur,

Vieux cheval dont le pied à chaque obstacle butte.

Résigne-toi, mon coeur; dors ton sommeil de brute.

Esprit vaincu, fourbu! Pour toi, vieux maraudeur,

L’amour n’a plus de goût, non plus que la dispute;

Adieu donc, chants du cuivre et soupirs de la flûte!

Plaisirs, ne tentez plus un coeur sombre et boudeur!

Le Printemps adorable a perdu son odeur!

Et le Temps m’engloutit minute par minute,

Comme la neige immense un corps pris de roideur;

— Je contemple d’en haut le globe en sa rondeur

Et je n’y cherche plus l’abri d’une cahute.

Avalanche, veux-tu m’emporter dans ta chute?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmstqlIziZ4

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Gary Clark Jr. – When My Train Pulls In

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

 

Lyrics:

 

Everyday nothing seems to change

Everywhere I go I keep seeing the same old things

and I, I can’t take it no more

I would leave this town, but I,

I ain’t got nowhere else to go

–

Wake up in the morning to more,

more bad news and I

sometimes I feel like I was born to lose and I,

It’s driving me out of my mind

Gonna catch the next train and I

move on down the line

–

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I know my time ain’t long and I,

I can’t live this life again – no, no, no

—

Walkin’ down the street you might wanna cross a smiling face, but they’ll

stab you in the back as soon as you turn – walk away –  and I

Oh Lord, it’s bringing me down

If things don’t change around here

ain’t no use in me hanging ’round

–

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I know my time ain’t long around here and I,

I can’t live this life again – no, no, no

 

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General

Something’s missing but what.

by livedie
written by livedie

I have everything in my life yet there is a great sadness in my heart. I just feel so hopeless and sad. And the worst thing is I have no idea why I feel so worthless and so tired of living. Everyday, I wish to die but I am afraid to try to do it on my own because I am scared about what will happen if i fail in my attempt. Everyday I wake up, I feel sad that I am still alive.  I am an atheist. So, I don’t think some magic will happen and I shall be me again. I am lost. I just know that death is my friend. Why do I feel this way? I am losing myself everyday. I tried going to the doctor but it becomes same again once I stop taking the medicines. I wish I could die. Why live? I just can’t. It is difficult for me but I cannot tell anyone else about how I feel. This sadness and despair in my heart is taking me to the hell gates of depression again. I wish there was an escape.

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Skip James – Hard Time Killin’ Floor Blues

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

(Acoustic) Blues

 

Lyrics:

Hard times is here and everywhere you go

Times are harder than ever been before

–

You know that people, they are driftin’ from door to door

But they can’t find no heaven, I don’t care where they go

–

People, if I ever can get up off of this old hard killin’ floor

Lord, I’ll never get down this low no more

–

When you hear me singin’ this old lonesome song

People, you know these hard times can last us so long

–

You know, you say you had money, you better be sure

Lord, these hard times gon’ kill you, just drag on slow

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GeneralPoetry & Art

The Beatles – Eleanor Rigby

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Lyrics:
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
–
Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice
In the church where a wedding has been,
Lives in a dream…
Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door,
Who is it for…
–
All the lonely people,
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
–
Father McKenzie writing the words
Of a sermon that no one will hear,
No one comes near…
Look at him working, darning his socks
In the night when there’s nobody there,
What does he care…
–
All the lonely people,
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
–
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
–
Eleanor Rigby died in the church
And was buried along with her name,
Nobody came…
Father McKenzie wiping the dirt
From his hands as he walks from the grave,
No one was saved…
–
All the lonely people,
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
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GeneralPoetry & Art

Paul Durcan – Thinking About Suicide

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Although I may never commit suicide

I spend parts of each day thinking about suicide –

Thinking about how I lack the courage to do it.

–

I wake in the mourning with 60 per cent depression.

That’s how it remains for the whole day,

Except for the odd occasion in a year

–

In the doorway or on the street I meet by chance

For a few minutes a woman passing-by

Who has the time to stop and talk for three minutes

–

Or five minutes or even sometimes seven or eight minutes,

Who rocks back on her heels in her pink, hooped skirt

With laughter, no matter what the topic.

–

Depression and despair are two different states

Of mind, not having a lot in common.

Although I have 60 per cent depression, I do not despair.

–

I do not see eye to eye with Samuel Beckett

Who disapproved of suicide and who promulgated

The doctrine of ”going on” for the sake of ”going on”.

–

Estranged from my family, if I do not soon

Take my own life, others will take it from me –

Hooded males with knives in their tracksuits

–

Or medics in their scrubs prancing corridors

Or cowpat-faced ward sisters smirking

Or ice-cold proprietors of old peoples’s homes.

–

How is it that you do not see it, Samuel,

That I do not want to go on for the sake of going on –

Seeing the same old, tired-out impressionist paintings again and again?

–

Men are such po-faced bores.

Each one of them an editor-in-chief.

I wand to stand still by the water’s edge.

–

I want to hold a woman’s hand for the last time.

I want to fill my pockets with Palaeozoic stones.

I want to open my eyes.

 

From the collection Praise In Which I Live And Move And Have My Being (2012).

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General

Suicide sites

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Have you ever tried or even thought about committing suicide to any of these places? And do you have a place in which you would like to commit (or attempt) suicide?

As for me, I went to the Corinth Canal several times (for those who don’t know, I live in Athens, Greece), but I never thought to jump from the Acropolis of Athens… And I keep wondering why…

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Constantine P. Cavafy – Trojans

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Our efforts are those of men prone to disaster;

our efforts are like those of the Trojans.

We just begin to get somewhere,

gain a little confidence,

grow almost bold and hopeful,

–

when something always comes up to stop us:

Achilles leaps out of the trench in front of us

and terrifies us with his violent shouting.

–

Our efforts are like those of the Trojans.

We think we’ll change our luck

by being resolute and daring,

so we move outside ready to fight.

–

But when the great crisis comes,

our boldness and resolution vanish;

our spirit falters, paralyzed,

and we scurry around the walls

trying to save ourselves by running away.

–

Yet we’re sure to fail. Up there,

high on the walls, the dirge has already began.

They’re mourning the memory, the aura of our days.

Priam and Hecuba mourn for us bitterly.

 

 

(translation by Edmund Keeley/Philip Sherrard)

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Brian Eno – By This River

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

 

Here we are

Stuck by this river,

You and I

Underneath a sky that’s ever falling down, down, down

Ever falling down

Through the day

As if on an ocean

Waiting here,

Always failing to remember why we came, came, came:

I wonder why we came

You talk to me

as if from a distance

And I reply

With impressions chosen from another time, time, time,

From another time

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Chronic PainGeneralRantsStories of Loss

the only one who cares

by iamdarling
written by iamdarling

well, unfortunately, not a single soul truly cares about me. i need to understand that. that the only one who cares about me, is me.

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Fun & InterestingGeneralRantsStories of Loss

friday the 13th

by iamdarling
written by iamdarling

hey. today is friday the 13th. but, it doesn’t make much of a difference, since all days of life for me hold a significant amount of bad luck and misfortune.

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Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

people need people

by iamdarling
written by iamdarling

even though i’m an awkward introvert with social anxiety, i miss people. i miss being around people.

i’ve come to realise i’ve never really had a true friend, so, i can’t say i miss having friends. i don’t really know what it’s like to have friends. the idea doesn’t appeal to me much anymore. maybe, i miss the idea of them. the idea of a boyfriend is more appealing, which is weird, i know.

the idea of having someone i can expose myself to, and let them truly know me like no one else knows me, is bittersweet to me. it must be so… amazing, to love someone and have them love you back. all of you, all the bits and pieces you choose to expose to them and the bits that they discover themselves anyway. but, i’ve never had that, and it looks like i never will have that, which is the bitter part.

i’m the only person who knows me. who knows me inside out. and, that’s sad to me. if anything ever happened to me, no one would know the real me. i want to have people in my life who deserve to know the real me. i want to have people, or just one person, in my life that we can expose all aspects of ourselves to eachother, that we can love eachother so deeply, that we can rely on eachother no matter what.

i’m not just lonely, i’m alone. i’m so alone, and, i don’t want to be alone anymore. people need people. i need people.

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Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralRantsStories of Loss

my life is a mess

by iamdarling
written by iamdarling

i’m ugly.

i’m untalented.

i have no friends.

i haven’t attended school for two years.

my family are abusive.

 

 

my life is a mess, and i can’t clean it up.

i have nothing going for me,

and i am going nowhere.

i’ve ruined myself and my life.

 

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Coping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsGeneral

how to deal with an abusive family?

by iamdarling
written by iamdarling

almost my entire family are abusive, but i won’t get into all of that; i’ll start with who/what affects me most – the family i live with…

my younger sister is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive,

and my nan is verbally and emotionally abusive.

they are both controlling and manipulating too, and their moods can go from being cheerful, kind, and nice, to horrible in seconds.

they blame me for lots of things that aren’t my fault, if they are not being abusive towards me, they clash with eachother and come back to me and talk shit about the other behind their back…

these are things i deal with multiple times on a daily basis,

how can i cope and deal with this?

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